After 10 days of no PMO, I was finally able to have great sex with my wife. We haven’t done it in probably six months, and the last few times ended with ED or DE.
But this time I was ready. I was so horny after resisting PM, that I kept it up throughout foreplay and intercourse. Sadly I could only O while thinking of an outside sex scene, which means I still have a long road to travel. But this was a great start.
My wife had a huge smile on her face the whole time. She doesn’t know about my struggles specifically, but I’m sure she knows that something changed for the better. I owe a huge thanks to this group, both the commenters on my previous thread and to the rest who’ve been sharing their stories and lending their support. I know I can beat this disgusting habit now
Hey everyone. I’m 37/m, and with your help I’m trying to kick a 25-year (!) fap habit. I’m on day 9 of nofap and tonight has been the toughest so far. I’m writing all this in an effort to keep myself from relapsing.
I had been a shy and introverted kid, and it was really tough for me to make friends. At age 12 we moved towns and I started middle school with no one that I knew. I also hit puberty right around that time, and the hormones certainly didn’t help any. I discovered masturbation and how good it felt, and retreated to that world rather than engage in my new environment. Since then I’ve had a 1-2x daily fap habit.
Due to feelings of inadequacy about my body and social status, I found myself jealous of the popular guys in school. Somehow these thoughts became intertwined with MO, and I ended up fantasizing about other boys. The more I did it, the more awkward I became, and the more guilty I felt about my choices and my sexuality.
It got even worse when I discovered online porn. Starting from age 16, I looked for erotic stories and pictures to get me off. AOL and BBS’s provided me an endless stream of fap material, and the downward spiral continued. I was mostly into gay porn. Strangely, the gay sex scenes turned me off, but the images of male perfection are what took me over the edge. These thoughts completely crowded out any thoughts of girls. Although I identified as hetero even then, thinking about sex with girls was out of the question. PMO made me feel like shit – how would any girl ever want to sleep with me?
My PMO habit has been pretty consistent since then. Somehow I was able to make friends and do well in school, but this routine has been like a millstone around my neck, wearing me down and causing awful feelings of inadequacy. Despite all this, I’m fairly successful in my own eyes: married + 2, a couple advanced degrees, a well-paying job.
Sex with my wife was great in the beginning, and I managed to cut back on PMO, but the last couple of years have been fairly sexless. I take care of myself in the early morning and late at night, and have no sexual energy for her. We have a good partnership, but I feel like I’m on dangerous ground here – if this continues, I may lose her and the fulfilling life that we have. This scares the shit out of me, and I can’t let that happen.
This subreddit has been a great help to me. The support here is great, and I hope this story rings true with others. By helping each other, we can kick this disgusting habit.
Thanks for reading.
EDIT: Wow, thanks for all the great feedback. I don’t feel so different anymore, and now I know of a ton more subreddits that could be useful. I’m so glad I posted here.