Fellow travellers….I remember the first time I jerked off. I was about 11 years old, I was in my bedroom, I gave it a go, and something amazing happened. 29 years later there hasn’t been a week go by that I didn’t MO, and there have been probably hundreds of weeks where I’ve been MO-ing every day.
Porn came into my life: first via soft core magazines, then rare hardcore VHS cassettes via a friend of a friend, then DVDs, then painstaking online JPEG downloads, then painstaking mpegs, finally up to today’s blistering HD streaming. All the way porn and I were married, truly and deeply…..”my Precious”…I was never satisfied. I then got into massage parlors and hookers…..sexual adventure, sexual conquest.
Images of pornstars would pierce my reality, burn in my mind. I’d wake up in the morning and my first thought would be of a scene, or a model’s face. At night time if I got up for the bathroom I’d have to be careful not to let my mind get going or I wouldn’t fall back asleep. My mind would race through my collection and dwell on my most cherished clips. My heart would skip a beat. I was sold, I was owned. I couldn’t imagine life without it.
Over the past say 3 or 4 years I’ve been trying to ditch it, failing many times, but starting to really see it as an addiction. Then I reached 40, and I asked myself…”do I really want my life to continue like this, is this really me”? Well I got angry, I got sad, I got lonely….I raised my awareness, I kept a log, I resisted the urges and I started NoFAP.
Thanks to NoFAP, thanks to you guys, this community.. a place where I could come and share my secret life, I’ve done >200 days without porn, and >100 without MO-ing, for the first time in over 25 years!! :). This is a huge win for me.
And I can tell you that I feel more human than I’ve ever felt, more powerful, more in control, more in touch with reality, and more in touch with the people in my life. I’ve uncovered the probable reasons why I do this….my lack of self worth, my suppression of feelings, my toxic parents.
And what is the state of my mind now? Like the title says I forgot about the counter….yes it was tough the first 30 days, but that counter is just accelerating now, whizzing higher and higher….I’m actually forgetting about it. Not letting my guard down yes, but not dwelling on the number. My mind is clear of pornstars, I have zero PMO urges, ZERO, I have new routines in my life, I’m recalibrating to normal life. I’m feeling my feelings vs. running to porn. And yes I still check out the hot girls on the street, but I’m not looking at them with greedy eyes like I used to, I’m looking at them as humans, as people with a story, as sisters, wives, mothers. I’ve realized that I can live life without needing an orgasm every day or other day. I can’t describe all the effects but the bottom line fellas is that my life is massively better in many ways
….. I’m starting to like myself.