tl; dr: Karezza saved my relationship.
I came to this place via karezza. Last fall, while hanging out in /r/deadbedrooms, I came across some articles by Marnia Robinson, in particular this one, that suggested to me that my focus on sex was possibly the reason why I didn’t get any in my long-term relationship. So I decided to run an experiment and give up orgasms alltogether, both from fapping and when having sex with my SO.
So far, the experiment has been a resounding success. The state of my relationship has improved dramatically. I’d say we’ve gone from a 3 to an 8 on a 10-point scale. Last fall, after over a decade of a sexless marriage, I was ready to get a divorce. Now, I’m perfectly happy. And I am actually having much more sex than I used to. Having no orgasms seems a small price to pay. Almost no price at all.
- I would masturbate almost daily.
- I would watch porn maybe 2-3 hours a week.
- I didn’t have any of the obvious effects of porn addiction (ED), but I do think my porn use affected how I behaved towards my SO. I also was quite tired quite frequently.
My nofap experience:
- The first two weeks, I was extremely horny. I could have jumped anybody.
- Weeks 4-8 I was flatlining. I didn’t really get erections or think much about sex. However, I never lost the ability the get an erection when I needed it.
- Weeks 9-12 Libido is restored to relatively normal levels. I could have sex every day. My SO will have it only 1-2 a week. That’s a workable compromise, however. And what I experience now, 90 days without orgasm, is that while I have libido I don’t have strong urges. I’m perfectly fine with waiting a few days.
- I definitely have more energy than before. I had some energy surges throughout the experience, and they have past, but I’m still more energetic now than before. I doubt I would have written all the stuff on /r/karezza without the added energy from no orgasm.
- I’m more creative. I experience the need to express myself, when before I was more a passive reader.
- I have more free time.
- The relationship with my SO is way improved. We used to fight constantly. Now I can’t really remember when we had the last serious fight. It must be over 6 weeks ago.
- My SO says I’m much nicer to her.
- I haven’t really noticed much improvement in social interactions. But I was doing reasonably well in that department already. And as an early-40s married guy, I don’t expect girls to hand me phone numbers, no-fap or not.
I am strongly convinced that many of the benefits that people experience with nofap really come from no orgasm. So if you do nofap but have regular, orgasmic sex, and you don’t notice effects such as more energy and more creativity, I’d say that’s why. If you want to experience the full benefits, you might want to give sex without orgasm (karezza a try. It really gives you the best of both worlds, in my mind.
One comment to those of you not in a relationship: I salute you. You are doing an amazing feat. The hardest days for me where those on business travel, when I was alone in my room with my laptop. I don’t know if I could have done 90 days without the constant support and love from my SO.
And finally, one comment to those of you with premature ejaculation: You don’t need to fap to desensitize yourself or control your orgasm. In the past, I sometimes used to have difficulty to come. Now, my sensitivity has gone through the roof, and I know I could come easily if I let it happen. However, it’s relatively easy to not let it happen. The trick is to stay absolutely relaxed during sex. Orgasm comes from muscle contractions. If you stay relaxed, orgasm will not happen. The trick is to breathe slowly and with purpose. When the sensations are extreme, it almost feels to me like breathing through a painful experience (but pleasurable, of course). The breathing allows you to experience the sensation without allowing it to affect your body.