Wow what a ride, an immensely beneficial self development ride. I am really glad I found this community when I did. I was in a dark place, masturbating multiple times a day to porn of all kinds. I had social anxiety issues and girls considered me creepy and getting friendzoned was commonplace.
Before I joined the community I thought nice guys finished last, I thought assholes always win the girls, and over the course of the last 2 years my perspective slowly shifted and I realised those beliefs were defence mechanisms protecting me from the pain of dealing with my demons.
The truth of the matter is that being an asshole is just a cheatcode guys use to get in the door, it’s a cheatcode that tricks girls into thinking you are a self assured confident man that has his shit sorted, and while it may get you laid, it does not make you better than anyone else, and it almost always leads to pain. And being a ‘nice guy’ and assuming its the reason you finish last shows a grand misunderstanding in what is going on. Women love nice men, but they have to be nice men whom are honest about their intentions and have their demons under control.
Men that consider themselves at the mercy of the nice guys finish last fallacy appear to fall into one of 2 groups.
1: Guys that believe that being nice should be all that is required for a girl to want to connect more than platonically; Otherwise known as guys that are not doing interesting things, they tend to be really boring and ‘nice’ is all they really have going for them… Girls dig guys that are nice PLUS… Niceness along is just the bare minimum expected requirement. Don’t be the bare minimum, it won’t get you far. Work on yourself, be EXCEPTIONAL.
2: Guys that don’t realise that the way you start an interaction with a woman has an ongoing tone… As in, if you start your interactions with a woman as just friendship (hoping she’ll like you) and then drop the crush bomb when she’s spent time developing a platonic friendship with you, it’s usually not going to end well. This tactic results in the classic friendzone, and is almost always the guys fault for not expressing himself as a sexual being from the beginning, usually achieved by fears causing the man to play it safe and give off the wrong impression entirely. It’s easy in this position to blame the woman and feel you invested time that was not reciprocated how you want, but from her perspective, you pulled the wool over her eyes and were not honest about your original intentions. The other guy she fell for? He was probably flirting with her from day one and made out with her within a week…
So how do you break this cycle? Well… nofap is a great start. How does this all tie into nofap? Well I’ll tell you a story or 2 and give you some of my best guesses.
2 years ago when I started nofap as a personal experiment, I went for about a week, it drove me crazy and I was horny constantly. My energy levels certainly went up but no other effects were apparent. I tried and failed many times, and after my first 2 week streak ( a few months in! ) I realized that the massively reduced frequency of masturbation was changing the way women were interacting with me, they we’re looking at me for longer periods, flirting, smiling etc. I couldn’t figure out why as I felt I was still acting mostly the same. Then I had a curious thought pop into my head. Women react to pheromones and hormones we give off, and they change when you start nofap. I have a theory that somehow your chemical release and pheromone expression is different if you are masturbating rather than having sex because there is one key missing ingredient… When you are masturbating, your body is not detecting positive aroused chemicals from a partner, which for the subconscious and the body can be perceived in 2 ways
1: you are not attractive enough to find a partner at all, or 2: You subconscious thinks you are having non consensual sex, or essentially rape…
This will build internal anxiety, shame and a chemical expression that can be perceived by women as creepy, they essentially detect that you have low self worth or are predatory or both, and to top it off, you drained your testosterone reserve, so you have no confidence either… This is just a theory mind you… But if it has any merit, then it explains rather well some of the more profound differences many of us experience when giving up or reducing PMO. I use this now as my motivator.
In the last 2 years of nofap attempts I’ve had some amazing relationships, even a rather wild ride of a 1 year long polygamous relationship, and I’ve learned a shit load about women and myself. I now find it very easy to spark attraction in women, and find getting into sexual or romantic relationships very easy now, and have the opposite problem of now trying to protect womens feelings by not getting involved with too many interested women when there is likelihood of hurting feelings or of misunderstandings.
One thing that has not changed, is that I’m still a totally nice guy. I never put women down, don’t have to use any negs, I don’t even have to play the waiting game. I can go all out, be honest with my feelings, be romantic (or not!) and women still get swept up in it and enjoy the ride. Why? Because I’m being completely confident and genuine all the way. Only keen on a friendship? I let her know. Keen for more? I make sure thats obvious as soon as I feel a pang of sexual attraction, flirting and perceiving the sexual tension in an interaction become second nature when the way you observe sexuality is not through a screen. Once you are spending your time observing from reality for long enough, you pick it up naturally and the hardwired primal language of sexual communication comes back to you. Women love it when you have the balls to be up front with them about it, so long as the chemical signals and the way you move through life match what you are saying and doing.
Nofap is the journey that gets you there.
Here’s my story thus far, finally at the point where I can swallow my pride/shame enough to ask for help.
So here I am, awake in the early hours of the morning with a particularly frustrating series of events unfolding around me.
First lets rewind a little I have had this habit for the last 15 or so years, all started when I once found some porn floating in a river. It being new to me I scavenged the pages and took them home, then dried them with a hair-drier and fapped for the first time. This was before I’d ever had a wet dream, and ever since I’ve never had a wet dream, ever, most likely because I fapped regularly/a-lot since then.
I ruined the best relationship I ever had because of constant PMO. I had minor ED and major DE to the point of not ejaculating during real sex for the first entire year of my relationship, despite my lovely girlfriends best efforts. (She really was very understanding for a long time, and even knew I was having issues with porn). At some point she started becoming distant and increasingly frustrated and our sex life fell totally apart and the relationship came to an end.
It’s been a few years and some more failed relationships since then.
I’ve been on the no fap journey now for about 9 months, and haven’t had luck keeping to it for more than a 2 weeks at any point.
I happen to have a lot of friends in the burlesque community, and also do occasional pin-up photography of these girls, and also occasionally work on websites with sexual material which makes my mission all the more difficult.
I’ve seen myself change dramatically during my struggle, between feeling amazing and empowered after about a week of nofap, to feeling insecure, shy and unworthy after relapsing, often with multiple PMO in one day. The average however, is increasingly going upward, with each time I start the effort again, and each attempt, I feel like a better person and have been gradually building more confidence and self-worth, and also gaining better luck with asking girls on dates and seeing them differently than I used to.
So here I am, sitting at my PC working on a website design for a “gentleman’s club” (a place in which I’ve never before sought service) struggling to finish the design for my client without relapsing. All while I have a date with an amazingly cute girl lined up, tomorrow, whom I met at a theatre-burlesque show… She’s really cute and has many of the same interests including painting and making music etc, as far as I can tell she’s quite into me so far and I really don’t want to fuck this up.
I feel like she is worth the effort, and that if I can get through this entire website build, and not mess up my date, and then last for a few weeks with her, then I’ll really feel like I’ve achieved something.
I have to keep telling myself that she is worth the effort, and that I am also worth the effort.
Any tips out there from guys working in industries that have you around a lot of sexy women and working on projects involving them??? Any advice is appreciated as I really want to have a successful relationship in which PMO does not have a part in any way!