I never knew just how far or how bad my addiction to porn was until I came here. I used to think that watching fetish porn was a way to embrace and empower my sexuality.
It started with Jenna Haze way back in middle school. She started me down the road to anal porn. From there it was DP. By this point it was high school. I was torrenting and multi windowing/ tabbing like a mofo. Once I got to college I had a roommate which forced me to stop out of lack of privacy. What happened? I got laid a lot. Never had sex in high school but freshman year of college I stopped fapping like a maniac and started embracing the good stuff. Women.
Then sophomore year rolled around and everything started to change. I had my own place, my own money and nothing but time. I was still sociable but not even close to the me of freshman year. I would smoke weed and fap and listen to music and study for school. I was a functioning addict. This was the biggest problem. I was able to keep my addictions back just enough to still do OK at life. Nobody could really tell what changed or what was happening but this addiction would go on for the next few years.
Eventually girls, lesbians, DP, hardcore, racial, piss, damn near every porn genre or category you can click on a site I had been into. Then I found Bailey Jay. Traps, traps, traps. My brain had rewired its limbic circuit to only respond to this taboo now. I began to look at hypnosis videos and I thought I was embracing my sexuality. Everyone is really sexually plastic, there is no gay or straight I told myself. It then got so bad I would turn to camming in girls panties for dudes just to get hard. Eventually the ED started to kick in. I had masturbated myself so far into fetishland I no longer knew what my natural sexual preference was. I was always high and horny, if I went to class I couldn’t wait to get home and light up and fap.
Senior year rolls around and somehow I manage to stop fapping for just a few days. I meet a girl. I hold off a little longer. I start working out like crazy. I win the girl over. Despite getting constant action from my new gf I started fapping again. If I wasn’t with her, I was with my dick. Eventually I fell into a boring routine of smoking and asking her for some action. She was always happy to comply but would fall asleep and I’d get up and keep going by myself.
Then I introduced some kink to our sex life thinking it was the answer. A dildo for her at first. Then a vibrator, role-play, bondage and pegging. My desire to wear panties even came back but every time we had sex or did something I was stoned or drunk or both. I was in a state of tantric excess. I thought I would burn it out. She lost interest in me, I spiraled further down, becoming a needy and disgusting shell of the man that I once was. She cheated on me.
I loved this girl with all my heart and I immediately snapped out of my funk. I broke up with her because anyone who cheats in my eyes is a coward. She made it worse by trying to lie about it. That’s what ended everything. I knew the former me deserved better, so it was time to return to who I really was/ am. I stopped fapping, stopped smoking and got clean. You have no idea how fucked up you are or were until you return to a sober state and look around. I could see ground zero from there.
I saw all the damage I had done to myself and her. I have huge dreams that I now spend every minute working to achieve in science and music. When I see a sexy girl I look and approach and make eye contact instead of logging her in a spank bank or being anxious.
My brain feels like a transplant. I forgot how witty and quick thinking I could be. All the memories my ego fed off when I was under the fap’s spell came from my sober self’s achievements.
Returning to who I really am is mind blowing. I want to thank everyone here for being so fucking supportive and helping me when I want to relapse. It happened once after 4 days but since then I just come here when I want to fap and I remember why I’m doing what I’m doing. Reading the stories of the shit times and damage is enough to stop the urges now and the thought of having self control and discipline is the best part. Knowing I don’t have to hide anything or clear my browser history is a huge burden lifted.
The confidence comes from the feeling of control over yourself. Now you have all the time in the world to work on turning that control over yourself into control of your environment. Three hours fapping? That’s a couple chapters you can read in a textbook for a new job certification that will get you more money. That money will get you the things and lifestyle you think you deserve. That feeling of accomplishment will give you the self confidence you need to turn the ladies on. Those ladies will fill your life with love and heartbreak but you’ll have a better story to tell at the end of your life than “I fapped and died alone”. The less you fap now, the more people will come to your funeral and truly deeply mourn your death. Think about that.