I finished hard-mode yesterday (No P or M) for 90 days. The changes are incredible and I was ecstatic when the counter on my phone read 90.
At the beginning of my journey I decided that after 90 days of hard-more I would allow myself to masturbate again whenever I felt a very strong urge, but only to imagination and sensation. Long story short, last night I ended up getting frustrated with my lack of ability to do so and ending up using visual stimuli.
It lasted about 20 minutes. The dopamine rush was insane but I did not enjoy the content as much as I had previously. After the deed was done, I was actually kind of happy. Having read quite a few posts on this sub I learned that beating yourself up about a relapse is in no way a good thing… but why was I happy?
I learned things from this experience that made me excited for my next journey, now restarting at Day 1. I have the upper hand on this addiction because of my relapse.
Here’s some things I learned:
- My bullshit justifications for viewing porn are clear to me now and I can identify them from a mile away
- Being horny and the feelings caused by my addiction are two very unique things
- The dopamine rush, which nearly left me shaking, shows that PMO is not something a normal mind should handle
- I am still addicted to visual stimuli and porn, but actually viewing it is not as enjoyable as it was
My mind has cleared substantially and lifted a great deal of ‘brain fog’ that I had been living with for years. Before my successful journey I would not have been able to identify these things. Because of my progress I learned these things.
So although my 90-day streak ended last night, I learned valuable information about myself and this addiction. Now of course this is not advocating that you intentionally relapse to learn stuff too, but maybe a different way to look on the bright side after a such a thing happens.
Best of luck to you all. This journey is an amazing one and every day you put porn behind you is a day to appreciate. 🙂