So I finaly made it to 90 days. What once seemed unachievable is now reality. I was getting pretty good streaks throughout the whole year: 20 something days, 30 something days, 40, 50 etc. Each of those streaks, however, ended with a very hard relapse. By a very hard relapse I mean I was obssesively watching porn and masturbating few times a day (or around ten at times) or night for like a week, , or waking up at 4:00 am and jacking off to porn for an hour despite having a busy and important day ahead of me. After every streak I would just go into this porn/masturbation frenzy which was leaving me exhausted, weak, having flu symptoms, detached from reality, isolated and all in all half-dead every time.
What caused to me relapse each time? Cheating. I didn’t watch porn or fap during my streaks, but I loved fantasizing about sex, oogle at girls thinking about all the sexual stuff I would want to do with them, I didn’t avoid sexual images in newspapers, internet, posters, movie scences etc. Often even purposely looked for them….All of those things made me feel a constant sexual tension and rendered me unable to focus on anything else. I was a sex obsessed zombie.
I made it to 90 days because after my last relapse I stopped cheating and started to treat this seriously. I finaly realized that what I needed was a complete abstinence from any kind of sexual stimula because I simply cannot control my self in this respect. The battle starts in the head guys, and it should end there. If you allow your self to indulge in sexual thoughts you’re going to fail. Hardmode is the only way if you’re very screwed up like me. Don’t buy into the whole faping in moderation is ok or porn in moderation is ok. Both of those behaviors are just terribly juvenile and no it’s not natural. Nothing will happen to you if you don’t drain your balls, they will simply drain them selves in wet dreams.
Porn fucked me over. It changed me, it made me isolated and lose a lot of good friends. I don’t know how it happened but the more I PMOed the less social I was becoming and eventualy I stopped hanging out with people who were my best friends. Porn made me worship sex and objectify women. It made me emotionaly numb, unable to connect with others, cynical and shy.
After 90 days I’m feeling that the healing process isn’t finnished yet but I’ve changed a lot for the better and I’m on the right path. I’ve learned to accept the pain that life brings and the pain of withdrawal which is still there. Accepting the pain is absolutely essential part of recovery, if you’re looking for an easy way out of it, well, there isn’t one. Pain=healing. Embrace it. I am also more social, more optimistic, more talkative, my focus is better (although still needs improvement) my habits are better and my relationships with women have also improved (I’m more outgoing, I don’t objectify etc.)
Although relapses set you back, they never make you go back to square one. Even if you binge as hard as I did. This isn’t to say you should not avoid binging, but I’m positive that although I binged in my relapses, the number of days that I had spent relatively clean was making each consecutive streak longer.
tips
- pray daily (I believe God helped me)
- Exercise
- eat right (limit sugar! And get your self some supplemetns esp. magnesium)
- limit your time on computer
- Read (if you screwed up your focus like me)
- Don’t ever think that it’s a legit need to look at porn or jack off.
- Daily cold showers (Yes, they do help!)
- Get shit done
- Accept the pain
- Forgive your self (really, one of the reasons I kept coming back to this was because I wanted to numb the pain of regret caused by mistakes)
- pursue hobbies/interests
- invest in your self
I wish I could write something smarter than this but hopefuly someone can find it encouraging.
This community is awesome. Thank you guys. This milestone wouldn’t have happened if you were not here to help.
God bless and stay strong!
LINK – 90 days – The best present for christmas I could ever ask for
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