Ups and Downs of the First 21 Days

Attitude is normal during recoverySo…after 21 days here are some key observations.

1 – I have been A LOT more depressed. I know this is related to lack of fantasising, masturbation etc., because I have never experienced it like this before. The thing is, I can see it for what it is. I just have to have confidence that it will pass, so I just get on with it. But it’s there, and it’s nasty. It’s easily the worst part of this journey.

2 – Less anxiety – I used to have low-grade anxiety, kind of like very minor OCD symptoms. Feel guilt etc., after driving and things. I think my mind used to find reasons to feel guilty to match up with the physical feeling of anxiety I have had. That low grade anxiety is all but gone now. This is the best part so far of this journey.

3 Much more irritable. For the past few weeks I have been very easily irritated. It is so obvious to me. Also, I quickly anger, and this can almost turn to rage. I hate it…but am aware of it. This is the scariest part of the journey for me.

4. Clarity, Focus, Alertness – As others have discussed I am generally more alert, more focused and do not have a constant fog in my brain!

5. Minor headaches – I am not a headache-y type person, but I have had lots of little headaches in these first few weeks.

6. Calmness- I am generally A LOT more calm these days – physically. I am content to read a book, relax, watch TV or even just sleep in bed. In the past this has not been an option for me. Physically, I have had to be up doing something, and my brain has never been idle. This is a HUGE positive benefit for me. Just being able to relax and take pleasure from things that have never before really interested me is awesome.

7. Living in the moment – I seem to be almost exclusively living in the moment, living in the real world, and that feels great. I tend to think more long-term now, and can think ahead to more than the next day. It feels great to be so ….present.

8. I reckon when I look in the mirror these days, I kinda like what I see (physically) more than I did before.

9. I seem to be able to control my food cravings better than I normally can. Much easier to eat a healthy, balanced meal than crap food.

10. I seem to be conquering things on all levels of life at the moment almost subconsciously:
– I am eating a lot better
– I am taking better care of myself (personal hygiene) etc.
– I am taking responsibility for my finances
– I am planning my future
– I am taking more pride in my appearance
– I am exercising habitually
– I am thinking constantly about finding love

11. As others have reported, I am dreaming a lot now – or at least remembering my dreams. This is something that does not normally happen.

12. I love being naked at the moment. I love walking around my house naked, and I look forward to sleeping naked in my bed. I have NO idea what that is all about…but it’s real!

13 My penis looks really small at the moment. Comically small even!

14. Flatline – I appear to have flatline. It feels like I have significantly less libido than normal, and my penis is lifeless. I initially got a fright and wanted to tease myself to see if I could still get it up. After reading posts on YBOP, I decided this symptom was a normal part of the process and have just had the courage to run with it.

15. Drinking hangovers seem significantly better. Normally I feel anxious, guilty and depressed after a drinking session. My brain looks for reasons to fee guilty about something because physically my body feels bad. I dread this feeling and it last several days. After my latest drinking session however, I was hungover but not depressed, anxious or guilty. Hopefully this is a real observation. I’ll let you know!

16. I find many more woman attractive than I normally do. I love this.

17. I am not horny! In past attempts after say a week or so I would get very horny. I would love this feeling and could keep it up for many days. Eventually, however, I would edge, and over time would end up coming. This time however, I have made a point of not even THINKING anything sexual. This has made it very very easy to abstain. I do also think this has made the depression significantly worse though.

So there you have it. Take from that what you will,but I think all of those observations are legit!