I had never realized how much porn had over taken my life until I started this journey. It crushed and ruined many relationships. I was once the guy that knew everyone and planned parties. As I got older though and the addiction got stronger, I started to shelter myself from people. I became a recluse. I stopped being that guy that knew everyone.
A few years went by and I found myself hanging out with only two of my best friends and my girlfriend. Despite having a girlfriend, I was having a morning wank like it was a cup of joe and a scone, it was just how I had to start my day. My daily wanks obviously resulted in less of a sex life, which, later resulted in an increase in my singlehood. I didn’t care though, I had porn and I was moving to a new city to start a new life by myself anyway.
The even higher lack of friends in the new city increased my wanks but I started exploring and making friends. Eventually the newness wore off and I started becoming a recluse again. It didn’t start to hit me that I had a problem until I had a hernia surgery and only managed to go 9 days without wanking it. Then, I happened across /r/nofap one day and started to contemplate it. A few more months passed and I decided to give it a go. It was a touchy start of a few two week streaks because I wasn’t committed. I couldn’t bring myself to delete the porn collection I had spent years hoarding. One day though, after a relapse, I just got sick of it, sick of being unemployed and having no friends. I did nothing with my days because of it. I went all out seek and destroy on every bit of porn I had ever had in my possession, cleared it all out. It was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Suddenly, I knew for a fact that I could take comfort in someone else using my computer without being worried about them finding my porn. holy shit, was that an awesome feeling.
With my new found light I had made it 57 days, non-hard mode. Thanks to the new found confidence, I was going on dates and meeting new girls all the time, had a few new friends too. But, I wasn’t invincible, one day I faltered and relapsed… and relapsed, and relapsed, and relapsed. I couldn’t make it longer than a week because every weekend I would rationalize it with “Well, it’s only a week, I can totally just do another week”. Worst. Logic. Ever. Even though I had been relapsing though, I had still been on the path to making myself a better person. Having the drive to better myself by cutting out P and M had helped me to have the drive to better myself in other areas of my life. I got a job and started meeting new people and was sticking pretty strong to a streak. Suddenly I didn’t have the time to relapse, I was working and hanging out with new found friends. Yeah, there are moments that it crossed my mind, but it wasn’t worth it. If not wanking it made my life this way, why would I ever want to go back?
which brings me to todays post, 90 days! It’s been a hell of a ride with many ups and downs. But it’s all been worth it. when I started this journey, I was anti-social and had very few friends, hell I’d go days with out talking to other people. Now? I have a job that I love and am a social butterfly, meeting new people every day. My confidence is probably the highest it’s ever been. Yeah, my life certainly still has it’s ups and downs like normal, but I no longer turn to PMO when I feel down. I surround myself with good people or do something productive. I certainly wouldn’t say I’m “cured”, because I still have urges, but I’m going in the right direction, and that’s what matters. Now when I have urges it’s not a “Damn, I gotta grease the pocket rocket”. It’s more of a, “Damn, I should go out this weekend so I can possibly meet someone”. If you got to this part, thanks for reading and I hope that it may help you on your journey as well. Also, sorry it it’s a bit of a ramble, I kinda just spewed sentences and hoped that they made sense as I went along.