This is my story of how for the first time in my life, I feel human.
On 7th June this year, I M’d after going for a week with no PMO.
I hadn’t really set myself a goal the previous week. In fact it wasn’t my plan to go a week without M. I just realized one morning that I hadn’t M’d for 4 days so decided to continue.
Before June, I was wasting so much on porn, cyber, sex forums, sex chat with real-world and cyber-world contacts, hook-up apps. Not only time and energy, but wasting my spirit and my self-respect. I didn’t know that at the time though. It was normal for me to do all those things every day. Part of me.
So a week passed. In that time I had deleted all the porn from my phone. Cleaned up my inbox and browser history and I guess started to formalize a little bit the decision to change.
I still had all my contacts in my phone although I had deleted all the sex chats from my WhatsApp. I thought it would be cool to message one of my contacts to say I hadn’t O’d for a week. That person enjoyed being dominant and within just minutes of the chat I’d broken my stint and even sent a video of me doing it. As instructed.
That was the moment I realized how low I’d got.
Challenges and wins
Thank you for reading so far. The next part is about my challenges and wins over the first 32 days of my no PMO journey. I hope you find some ideas and encouragement here. Feel free to comment or DM me if you want to know more about anything I’ve experienced so far.
So I was back at day 0. But I had already changed. I’d changed because now I knew I had a problem. I didn’t know that before.
My whole life was being directed by sex. Even my personality. I had taken fantasies and sexual preferences to the extreme by letting them become part of my whole person. Every conversation and every interaction had a dark, sexual undertone from my side. I had become that guy who looks and doesn’t stop looking. That guy who looks where’s he’s not supposed to and wants you to catch him doing it. If you recognize yourself in that description, I want you to realize that you don’t have to be that person. It’s not you. It’s some wires that got crossed in your brain and you can fix it yourself.
Social skills were rubbish
Those fixations and obsessions meant that my social skills were rubbish, as you probably expect. It was normal for me to go alone to a bar, drink 4 pints and not interact with anybody other than to ask for my drink and pay. Just hide behind my phone. If anybody spoke to me, I couldn’t maintain a conversation because I was shy. It’s not possible to talk about football while thinking about sex. Or to talk about your work while thinking about sex. I was:
- incapable of small talk
- a weirdo.
So. I realised that the O which I’d just videod and sent by WhatsApp needed to be my last for the time being. I didn’t set myself a time goal. I just made a decision to change. No more PMO.
I knew more or less what to expect for the first week as I’d just done 7 days. Lots of distractions and temptations. I’d already learned some effective tactics to handle these. Move to a different room, go for a walk, read, put my phone down on the table. I made a promise to myself to not talk about anything sexual on WhatsApp.
Days 7-14 were tough. I felt low. I felt like I’d lost a very close friend. I got through it by putting more energy into my work. Some days were easier than others. Some days I felt quite strong and others less so.
Days 14-21 were the easiest so far. My two biggest challenges were pictures on Facebook which my sub-conscious P-loving mind would get lost in and I wouldn’t realise straight away. And the second were some problems with frequent urge to pee at night, probably because of my prostate adapting to not being emptied twice a day. I overcame that by discovering Kegel exercises, which I now do several times a day. Problem solved. I’ve also found them a powerful way to divert sexual energy when it shows up.
I feel human
By day 21, I was enjoying some positive changes. My mind was much sharper at work. My short-term memory had improved, I felt generally happier, more confident, and had even had some real conversations with people in the village bar. In addition, I’d made contact with a guy here also on his NOFAP journey, and we’d been supporting and encouraging eachother. Having direct communication with someone on a similar path is not only helping me stay on track, but opening me up to improving other areas of my life, such as exercising and cutting back on the beer.
My confidence has grown more, and now I find I’m drawing people closer to me. I’ve noticed that people are looking me in the eyes and smiling. I’m having small talk with shop assistants. I feel, for the first time in my whole adult life, that I’m a real human being. If you need some motivation to keep going, then listen, every day that passes, you feel more and more human. More and more alive.
Becoming a better person
I was having a pint of beer at the bar on Friday night and a guy moved from the other side of the bar, sat on the stool next to me, ordered himself a pint, one for me, and we sat and chatted about his work for 15 minutes. Sure, there were a couple of awkward silences and I know I can do better, but I am so, so happy that he did that. For me it was the ultimate validation that what I’m doing is making me a better person.
That’s my journey so far. Today is day 32. My only goal is to continue becoming the best version of myself.
Thank you for reading. Feel free to ask questions below or by DM.
My biggest lesson so far is this: Respect yourself.
By – badajoz1982
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