So, I never thought I would ever be here posting a positive my own story of recover. But here I am! Despite the very lengthy account, I hope someone find it useful. First, some history. From a pretty young age maybe 9 or 10, maybe younger, I started masturbating. Heaven knows why at such an early age, possibly a curiosity thing, probably an element of self soothing. Regardless it wasn’t too long before it became a regular habit.
For context, I’m 46 and I wasn’t really exposed to porn during adolescence. I did have the occasional fellow school kid waving a porn magazine on the way to school. But that was probably about it. However, that doesn’t mean that my problems hadn’t already started. A burgeoning unhealthy obsession with masturbation was probably already becoming well established by my teens.
The Beginning of Porn Addiction
At the age of 16ish my slightly older brother moved out. He left a load of porn mags in a draw. Not as a favor I had but more of not knowing what to do with them. Looking back, I can see he probably already had an unhealthy obsession. Which was proven later on in life but that’s another story. I can see now this further concreted what was likely already an addiction. Although certainly one I was not aware of at the time. I didn’t see how it was already negatively impacting my life, but more on how it was to follow.
By this point masturbation and to porn mags was very frequent. Probably daily, even twice daily, and during long term relationships. Looking back, I was very likely using it as a way to feel good. I had a somewhat broken family upbringing and my family wasn’t the type to show love and affection. When reflecting I wonder if this was where the habit stemmed, I’m confident it played a part at least.
The next level in my porn habit was around 21yrs old when I purchased a home PC for studies. After this I soon discovered the world of on tap free and novel porn videos. This brought a whole new level of what I can see was by now a fully fledged addiction. It was at least a nightly habit, often morning and night. Unless I was with a girlfriend. But any days I wasn’t with a partner the porn would be there.
Signs of Issues
It was about this time I started developing a debilitating blushing issue. It wasn’t the first time I’d blushed, but early in my years I typically blushed because something embarrassing happened. Now though just somebody looking at me would set me off. It would often be with recurring, both women and men. This was crippling especially being someone that was socially active (despite being an introvert).
At this point I hadn’t put two and two together. As I’d always been shy I just thought this was just a part of who I was. And it’s worsening was again just who I was. As depressing as that was, and completely separate to my masturbation and porn habits. I should also add from my early teens (and in retrospect clearly already having a deeply engrained habit) even walking down the street by myself could be torturous from a self conscious perspective. I already had an irrational fear of being looked at when in public as bizarre as that sounds. Unfortunately something that has hung over me through life.
Relationships and Porn
At times during relationships the porn use would reduce but masturbation was always a daily activity. Sometimes multiple times a day. I can remember feeling emotionally numb after such marathons. But I can see now I hadn’t really connected the two together.
So, after many years of more of the same fast forward to about three years ago. Despite being in a relationship porn use was daily. My partner was ok with porn during sex (not my idea actually but I certainly wasn’t going to object!) which was novel and this kind of made it ok for me to use porn. It wasn’t taboo that’s for sure. The blushing mentioned earlier had become so bad over the years. Even going to a till point in a shop could result in a minor panic attack and blushing. Speaking to a waiter in a restaurant would be similarly painful.
Shame and Social Anxiety
I also started to develop a fear of any talk about sex or sexual health or anything of that nature. I would get very panicky. Bizarre I know, but I think it stemmed from a fear of people thinking I was a sexual ‘pervert’. I think this is where the shame of porn addiction comes to into play which many have mentioned previously. In essence subconsciously I was deeply ashamed and fearful of someone finding out my dirty habit.
My social anxiety had become so bad, debilitating. I’d now started to have suicidal thoughts though admittedly nothing to the point where I would act upon. However, I can say that the daily social anxiety was making me miserable. I should also add I have a good, well paid job with quite a bit of responsibility including managing a team and although often well hid (not always though) the daily fear and anxiety was torture, especially the constant blushing.
I was also getting severe brain fog, my concentration was screwed which was also starting to affect my ability to do my job. Motivation was also non existent. My self confidence was frequently at rock bottom. Still I hadn’t made any connection between porn and fapping.
Searching For Answers
I actually cannot remember where I came across NoFap but I think it was in my search to solve my social anxiety and stumbled across something that linked the two online. After much reading followed by many attempts of NoFap I started to notice that after a relapse I would feel completely empty emotionally and I’d notice my anxiety would go through the roof, more than it ever had before. This seemed to get more noticeable the more I relapsed.
At this point my background levels of social anxiety weren’t reduced by NoFap but the spikes were making me realize there was some link though I wasn’t convinced NoFap was going to solve my problems. By now I was achieving up to 15-20 day streaks regularly and 30 days would still be a notable achievement for me. I struggled though with not edging which ultimately, sooner or later resulted in a complete relapse but I would always feel so terrible – brain fog, emotionally flat, depressed so I would usually be spurred on to try again straight away, a little more motivated than the last time.
Porn and Anxiety
After cycling in this way for about two years I really started to see the pattern and connection. It was increasingly obvious the fapping and porn was having a huge influence on my social anxiety and blushing.
In a way the NoFap was making it worse, the relapse would create such a spike I’d be on the brink of full blown panic attacks at multiple times in any given day. I cannot stress how horrendous this was, but I in some ways I’m now thankful as it really shone a light on the consequences of my habit.
I subsequently started achieving longer streaks e.g. 60 days and started to feel real benefits in my anxiety but a false sense of confidence resulted in a relapse followed by a few short streaks and a quick decent back to the previous days of acute anxiety. This really drove home the link between the social anxiety and the porn. With the motivation that came from that I was able to frequently get to 40 days and above and after another relapse at 60 days (I was edging, still taking a peek at porn) I said enough was enough and stopped 99.9% of the edging and zero porn ( and still to this day). That was a few months ago and despite a single lapse (just fap, not porn though) 55 days ago I have to say the change has been nothing short of astonishing.
Bring on the Benefits
Benefits have been huge and every week seems to bring further improvement. I’m really not exaggerating whatsoever when I say the benefits have been astonishing. Some of these as follows.
– after over 30 years of suffering my social anxiety it’s now almost at zero. I feel a level of calm when in social situations I cannot remember ever feeling. I can speak up confidently in meetings ( I was recently very vocal in a meeting with numerous VP’s and only very very low anxiety, if at all).
– my confidence as a senior manager has snowballed. I no longer suffer from a regular sense of imposter syndrome.
– no brain fog and increased motivation
– the relationship with my partner is back to how it was when we first met. I don’t feel disconnected from her like I often did when fapping. It’s playful again.
Feeling Connected
– I feel connected to life, a desire to be part of the world rather than wanting to hide away from it
– I no longer feel like I’ve hit the ceiling in my career, feelings which I’d had for sometime despite being relatively successful. Just in the last few weeks I feel ready to take steps towards director level which just thinking about previously would give me a rush of fear due to the likelihood of increased social interaction, bigger team etc.
– I walk in public with my head held high not in fear of making eye contact. Before I would have a rush of fear if I accidentally caught I contact especially on the tube
– fear of being watched is massively reduced
– I had an experience the other week where I was in a meeting with someone who was being a bit confrontational and I had an urge to make very direct eye contact. I could actually sense them shrinking under the intensity. It was satisfying but I also have to admit I actually felt a little guilty. Previously I focused on peoples mouths when talking to them in order to avoid eye contact. Just a slight catch of eye contact could send me blushing. Now I frequently make eye contact with someone and remain comfortable within
Whispers of Anxiety No Longer Debilitating
– I still sometimes get an initial wave of anxiety at which point previously this would be trip to cherry face but bizarrely the feeling now just vanishes after a second or two rather than descending into panic. When I do blush it is less intense and yes maybe still uncomfortable I recover from it much quicker and more accepting. However this happens less and less
– The more I become accustomed to the reduced fear of blushing the less and less it even enters my head
– I used to physically shake during challenging times of social interaction such as meetings with leadership or people I didn’t know well. This seems to have reduced significantly in the last few weeks. I’ve not noticed it for a while come to think of it.
– I’m no longer in a constant state of flight or fight state.
– I’m starting to actually look forward to social occasions
Some Suggestions
As this has turned into a mammoth post I’ll finally provide some quick suggestions:
Start meditating, and properly. It’s worth putting the time in here e.g. min. 30mins in the morning. Check out TWIM.
Check out fasting and cutting out of carbs and wheat. I honestly think this helped during times of relapse especially when it’s resulting in the inevitable symptoms of acute anxiety. Having more balanced insulin levels (due to fasting and reduced carbs) seemed to help with my spikes in social anxiety following a relapse, whereas I would have otherwise endured a 3-4 day period of feeling rock bottom with a constant being on the brink of panic attacks in social situations. Also two days fasting gives a huge injection of mental clarity and emotional well-being (once fat adapted) Check out videos by dr pradip, which are incredibly insightful and motivating
Have faith in the process
Have faith in the journey. For a long time it can seem that although there is some improvement from nofap it’s not as much as what you would hope. Stick with it, it might take many times to get a long enough run of longer streaks to start making changes to the brain.
Stop drinking if that or hangovers are a trigger – they used to be a source of craving for me but I stopped drinking before I was on the nofap journey but I imagine it’s a risk area for manyAn obvious one but keep busy, break the link when times of boredom lead to craving for that little peak or edge. It really is playing with fire and every lapse probably is a result of an initial small crave to edge for a moment which soon escalates into uncontrollable urges to fully relapse.
Make a list of benefits of nofap and read them at times of weakness or just read regularly anyway so they remain at front of mind. This did help though admittedly craving can be so strong sometimes you forget you even have a list.
My timeline of benefits
For me positive things often started happening at 17-20 days into a streak and then the next jump in benefits would be around 30 days.
However, for me 60 days brought really positive benefits as far as reduction in social anxiety. However it’s not just the current streak at play here – for me longer consecutive streaks strung together brought deeper changes e.g. 40 days+50days+20 days+67 days, significant benefits started to materialize when these longer streaks were being strung together. I should add that this is when in most instances I’d cracked the looking at porn piece and lapses were only fapping. I’m currently on a 55 day nofap streak (though no porn for quite sometime now) and I feel like a different person, no exaggeration.
If you are starting to edge and feel like you really are going to lapse either get it over and done with quickly so your not burning the brain out as far as receptors or if you can and of course the better option get up and do something else. However, avoid edging for long times as I think that is what has the biggest negative impact to the brain and results in the biggest negative side effects from a relapse
Even when edging now I feel hint of negative side effects for the next day or two but they are much reduced.
Trust the process
Okay that‘s me done for now. Apologies if it’s a little waffly and way too long but it’s late and rather spending more time editing it down I need to get to bed! Anyway I hope the above helps someone. Wherever you are in your journey have faith in the path, be patient and understand failure is inevitable but for me it gave me the learning needed so I was motivated to do better next time. Wishing everyone the best of luck!
L
LINK – My (long) story…
By – leonf01
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