Boyfriend Quitting Porn? 5 Tips (2013)

14 thoughts on “Boyfriend Quitting Porn? 5 Tips (2013)

  1. What not to do…
    For this guy, the relationship was a problem:

    I had a serious girlfriend (a very sexually active one, ha) for the first 5 months of my NoFapistry. This greatly hurt my recovery. She was okay with us avoiding sex, but she would always walk around the apartment naked, would want to take showers with me, and was generally just turning me on without meaning to. Which would’ve been great, if my dick wasn’t a dickhead.

    She’d turn me on, then I’d try to have sex, go limp, and I’d feel like I was starting from square one again. And when I did get it up, I’d find myself THINKING about sex, to get off, rather than focusing on the sex I was having. It was just a very difficult situation to overcome. For me, and the type of personality I am, this challenge is something that I have do on my on, and isolate myself, to some degree, in order to succeed.

  2. A girlfriend learns too late…
    I have been with my bf on and off for 4 years now. We recently rekindled in August after not speaking for a little less than a year. We talked through txt and at one point it got pretty hot and heavy through txt and he invited me over to have sex. I declined…that wasn’t the sort of reconnection that I wanted to make.

    After declining, he said he was glad that I did because he began to feel guilty about it. He said about two months prior he decided to give up porn and masturbation.

    I kind of poked fun and was a little turned off by it. I like, society plugs in our brain daily, have always thought of porn and masturbation as a part of every day life. I always knew my bf looked at porn regularly and although I didn’t like being compared to those women, I thought to myself, well at least he isn’t pursuing other women and cheating! WRONG WAY TO THINK! He got really upset with me for not supporting his goals and I felt bad.

    So I took some time to do some research on it myself and decided that it was probably one of the best things to do. for the both of us. So I too decided to give masturbation up…I really wasn’t into porn, I mainly would just fantasize to masturbate or focus on the feeling. And I really only masturbated when lonely or when I was unable to see him…he lives an hour away and works a lot. 60+ hours a week.

    At first he insisted on us not having sex at all, and to me that just seemed so unreal and impossible. I always thought that part of being in the relationship was to have sex? So I objected saying that it was a way we connected. He was rather upset with me, but I kept saying what’s the point of being in a relationship? Which, now I’m seeing that is so wrong.

    I’m not saying that I don’t feel a bond to him because I do. I love him for his mind, his humor, the way he seems to understand me…everything. But I’ve never had a relationship that wasn’t so focused on orgasms and sex. So I guess it was just scary to me.

    After coercing him and telling him that sex with me was fine, we had sex. Several times over months. At first he would try not to orgasm and I kind of got angry over it….it made me feel like it wasn’t worth it or that he just didn’t want to have sex. I think he did just to please me and satisfy my “needs”.

    December he told me that he began to notice girls a whole lot more. That average every day girls were very appealing to him and he’d fantasize..in all sort of ways. He said he also began to have wet dreams of other girls, that the dreams were never of me. I was bothered by it but read that its a part of healing and kind of brushed it off. He seemed to feel guilt and anxiety over it. as if he were going to act upon the thoughts and dreams. I said, “they are dreams, and all guys seem to notice other girls….if you and I are together, what I mean to you should stop you from acting upon those things and this is part of you getting over the years of porn that you watched.”

    He said he wanted new, and exciting…so I said well if there are things you want to do, then why don’t we do them?? Why not have sex with me when you have the urges. I thought that this was helping the problem, but after finding your site, I realize it wasn’t. We never made that bond…it was all focused on the excitement and orgasm. But I found that out too late it seems.

    He and I kept having sex after that talk, and the sex became more raunchy. He was playing out his fantasies with me. There was no hand holding, there was no cuddling, barely any kissing. It was just rough, raunchy, kinky sex. Afterwards, I felt horrible. This went on for a few months and I mentioned him not being very affectionate. Then he began to withdrawal some.

    One day he said he wanted to talk to me. That his dreams and fantasies were reoccurring and were more frequent. He felt that he didn’t get a “dopamine rush” from me anymore. It hurt me so bad to hear that, but I feel as though I’m at fault for encouraging sex or allowing the sex to be a means of him playing out his fantasies.

    I don’t know if this his him still recovering or if its a hangover from us having sex, or all of the above, or that we aren’t meant to be. He keeps saying that if he stays with me he feels it will turn out bad, that he will end up cheating on me because of the dreams he has been having. He keeps saying, “Obviously I am attracted to other girls.”

    He said at this point he doesn’t want to cuddle, he wants some new excitement. that that is what his brain is craving. It sounds to me like he is just manifesting his addiction to porn by fantasizing. He keeps telling me that he’s over his addiction.

    I think before, we would see each other on a Saturday, have sex, he go home, look at porn to deal with the chaser effect/porn hangover, and then the following weekend he’d see me and the cycle would repeat.

    Now, there is no porn and with his new position at work, we don’t get to see each other as much. So of course instead of turning to porn, a human being becomes appealing…any human being.

    I wanted to try Karezza but right now he is furious with me. At first he argued with me that he was over porn and his addictions, then he said I set him back and that he’s now at square one because of me coercing him to have sex. I feel horrible. I told him we could try again, that after finding this site and reading more, I’m understanding more and how sorry I was. He’s just so angry with me. I don’t know if I should let him go or if in fact it’s worth the fight. He should be willing I know, but at this point hes mad. He doesn’t take “failure” well.

    I will say that years ago I thought to myself, I WISH there was a guy out there who didn’t focus on the superficial things, who wasn’t obsessed with porn or checking out girls constantly….but I let it happen.

    My bf now is a great guy, he really is. He has always been there for me, would always do anything under the sun fo me…hes been so in tune with me for so long. He’s always seemed genuine. He’s been with few girls and the one girl that he did have a hook up with, he felt extreme guilt afterwards. He tells me that he feels guilty to just hook up and that that’s not what sex is about or that I just want tp get my rocks off.

    Yet, now he sounds like a dog in heat ready to hump anything. It’s scary, I’ve never seen him like this. I feel like I’m losing him. I thought this was going to be great for us, but it has caused so much drama in our relationship. I’ve been so down about it all and I feel helpless.

     

    Maybe my story will help someone else.

  3. Thread by girlfriend of guy who quit

    About four week ago, my boyfriend told me that he wasn’t going to watch porn anymore or masturbate. I told him that’s wonderful, but if you can’t or don’t, don’t feel bad (I’m still here for you!).

    Well, it’s been 21 days and let me tell you, the sex is AMAZING. He has grown very confident and sexy. I call him my secret Alpha Male. Before, I would say I had a higher sex drive than him. Now, he is like an animal. Foreplay is amazing. He did my favorite role play last night. He gets turned on and loves turning me on. I’ve never had so much attention! He’s even gotten a bit more outgoing.

    We’ve had sex nearly every night and he’s gotten much more creative with it. This was his decision – I didn’t pressure him into it. The thing is… I notice more girls checking him out! Just makes me proud to be with him. He pays more attention to me. He’s kept me updated willingly because he seems quite proud of his accomplishment.

    So, thank you http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/for the best sex of my life.

    (Further explanation) I would have never said I was attracted to your “traditional” alpha male. My boyfriend is quiet and reserved in general. Now though, he seems like he is a man as men “should be” (I’m trying to use this phrase carefully).

    What I mean by him being an alpha male is ED is not a problem, he is confident in everything he does (speaking, physically, in bed). What he wants in bed is so sexy. He desires things more. He has more of a “take-charge” attitude, but he’s not a douche or an asshole. He’s not like in the movies – he’s still quiet and reserved… but it really seemed to add an additional layer of sexiness somehow.

    (A guy) It’s great to hear about stories like these where partners are so supportive. It’s almost impossible for many to overcome, especially on their own, so that extra support could be the entire difference of whether or not someone remains a slave to this or not for the rest of their life.

    __

    (A guy) I’ve thought about how fun it would be to educate women in general about how positive it can be as partners. Then when they’re with someone who suffers from ED/DE, or if he watches a lot of porn, they can say, “Yeah, my last boyfriend had issues, too. Then he did nofap and it turned things around dramatically.”

    Or we could give out t-shirts. “No Sex unless you No Fap!” Hahahaha!

     

    From:

    “Thank you, NoFap -Sincerely, satisfied girlfriend”

    http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1917vz/thank_you_nofap_sincerely_satisfied_girlfriend

  4. Guy’s comment on a forum

    The best part about having a gf through this is that you are able to talk to her about the problem. Girls are natural talkers so they wanna hear all about it 😀 Plus a girl loves it when you are trying to improve the relationship.

  5. A post on NoFap

    Last night, I told my wife I had joined an online support group for my PMO addiction. I told her about all you great people and how you encourage each other and share your success stories. She started crying, but it wasn’t tears of sadness. She wasn’t walking away, like she needed to when I first told her about my porn problem. They were tears of joy, and she was walking towards me, to embrace me. She was thanking me. Porn ostracizes you from your loved ones. It separates you. What we do here… it brings you together.

    Original post

  6. Woman’s comment

    I’m a 19 year old lady and my boyfriend introduced me to NoFap, I’ve been lurking for a while and only decided to join yesterday. In the beginning of our relationship he was inexperienced, watched a whole lot of porn, and seemed to have a lot of self-doubt which really affected him getting (and staying) aroused. We called it his “bipolar” dick, and I never made him feel guilty about it but it seemed to really affect him. That coupled with it making me a bit insecure about myself, because I didn’t know the cause of it, and I thought he found me unattractive, prompted him to try to change it.

    He linked the cause of it to over-stimulation/too much PMO, and after about 3 months of NoFap was able to become and stay fully erect for a long-ass time, much to both of our delights. He’s much happier now and somehow more confident and I really owe it to this subreddit.

    As for myself, I’m sure this has been mentioned here before but schlicking (I really hate that term, guys, it sounds like something damp and moldy) can get pretty uncontrollable. There’s no period of “down time” after you cum like there is for most guys, so you can pretty much cum as many times in a day as there are minutes if you’re really ambitious. On “sick days” home from school I’d go on porn binges and cum about 30+ times in a day and feel pretty disgusted with myself.

    Other than that, I want to stop having to imagine really degrading porn while having sex just so I can cum, it really detaches me from the intimacy of the situation.

    http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1ax1wk/introduction_how_it_helped_my_boyfriend/

  7. Comment posted on “Psychology Today” under this article

    Subject: I have lost girlfriends because of porn induced ED Well, I know how difficult it can be for girls to cope with this. They suddenly discover that we men do crave for sex and that those pornstars can highjack their partner’s brain. It must be really a disturbing experience.

    However, let me make my point. I have been struggling for years with ED and only a few years ago I started to suspect it could be related to porn use.

    I have had and lost two girlfriends in these years. And I really was in love with one of them. I think that their reactions are understandable and they also suffer along the process. But I wasn’t even given a sympathetic ear to share my problems. A man fails once or more and then the woman panics. To my mind this exposes how women are also disconnected of men’s realities and feelings.

    So what I would tell women who are reading this: if you feel that your partner indeed loves you, support him. You don’t need to become a pornstar. You just have to listen and give emotional support. This helps with the healing process and strengthens intimacy between you. Know that there are different levels in which attraction or bonding occurs. Addiction to porn is merely visual and animal. Sexual attraction coupled with bonding love and trust on an emotional and spiritual level is much stronger.

    One of the reasons I didn’t heal up to now is that I was waiting to find a supportive partner to help me along the process and I was not aware of the symptons associated with healing from porn addiction. Being left by already two girlfriends I continued to use porn as a crutch and I had a hard time dealing with the abstinence and without a supportive girlfriend.

    Now I am more knowledgeable about it and I am confident I can be healed based upon the reports of other users. So I will try to “reboot” alone. But I wish I had a supportive girlfriend to be with me along the process, because porn has also always been for me a refuge of rejection and romantic frustrations. Hint: I am healthy, tall, attractive and smart.

    So I think that the article is not about blaming women. But making them more aware of this widespread problem. And in doing so, they will more likely be able to deal with this challenge in their relationships.

  8. BF’s PMO is gone

    Hey, Just wanted to say well done to everyone for trying to conquer their problems. My boyfriend has never joined this subreddit but we have both lurked here from time to time and I know it helps him. He’s over 40 days in and his PMO is pretty much gone, which means as a couple in their early twenties we are actually able to have a healthy and satisfying sex life for the first time in our relationship. It’s not been easy but he’s made it!

    Thank you everyone for providing support and inspiration. I’d really like to give something back to this community if I can. I know that for some people it helps to write out a post or just to read the posts of others.

    But if there is anyone who would like someone to chat to for whatever reason about anything at all… I’m here. A stranger, but perhaps someone who can offer a girls perspective and knows a bit about the stuff you might be going through. Anyway, that’s all really. Send me a message if you want.

    I wish everyone good luck and I hope you all become what you what you were meant to be.

    http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1mwrwr/bfs_pmo_is_gone_d_volunteering_for_the_community/

  9. A woman and her partner confront porn together
    First of all – I am a girl so if you’re against girls posting here please don’t read further. It might contain triggers for some.

    Secondly – I’m posting this because I seriousy believe this can help some people out there. Also English is not my first language, so pls forgive any mistakes I’m going to make.

    Here it goes: I’m 26 yo. I have a wonderful boyfriend (32) and we’ve had a great relationship… until about a year ago something started to go wrong.

    At first he started avoiding sex. We only had sex every 4-6 weeks… and ONLY because I was begging for it. He was always “tired” and uninterested; talked about “stress at work”, told me “not to exxagerate”. “Life is not all about sex you know” – he used to say… I started questioning myself, my looks, my worth. For me it wasn’t even about sex, I wanted intimacy. I wanted him to be interested in me as a woman, wanted to feel WANTED. But that was non-existent. Colleagues at work complemented on how nice I looked, some men were still hitting at me out there, but at home, there was NOTHING. And when we had sex it was nothing like it used to be. Automatic, rough, very porn-like. No hugging afterwards. No kissing. No foreplay. Sex – orgasm – you got what you wanted, now leave me for 4 weeks.

    Other aspects of our relation seemed OK, so I thought this is just a rough period we’re going through and that eventually it will get better. I decided to be patient and understanding. I stopped asking for sex.

    Soon after those problems started I’ve begun noticing my boyfriend was more and more cynical, distant, harsh on me. He made stupid comments. Nothing really nasty, but he just wasn’t nice to me anymore…

    Sometimes he would sit there and it looked like…..like he lacked soul. I’m sorry if this comparison seems horrible, but this is exactly how I percived him. He avoided other people, liked being on his own, didn’t want to go out… I often made comments like “we’re not 70 yet, let’s enjoy life hun”, tried to get him interested in different things but it didn’t work. Everytime I gave him a hug, a kiss on the chick I would not get ANY reaction. When we were watching a movie together and I tried leaning on him gently, just to feel some sort of human contact, he would say ” don’t touch me honey, I was so comfortable on my own, just want to see the movie”.

    I had no idea what was wrong. Maybe he just wasn’t that kind of “touchy” person? Maybe that was his nature? Maybe I want too much? Maybe next month/year it will change…

    I hated the cold person he was becoming. We started arguing more and more often. And to have sex once every month, every two months was killing me. I often cried (usually in private, but sometimes in front of him to make him realise what this is doing to me. It didn’t help).

    I turned to ocasional masturbation. I didn’t want to cheat on him and my sex-drive was high, so this seemed like a rational move. But I felt insecure and unhappy. I still wanted to have a “man” at home, not just someone who would do the shopping and drive me to work.

    I started fantasising about other men. I would imagine a life with someone else, someone affectionate, warm. Someone who would hold my hand, someone who would hug me at night, someone who liked sex. I would think about it at night, lying next to my boyfriend – who by that time was more like a robot than a real man to me. For the first time in months I started noticing other guys interested in me. When I was happy I never paid any attention to their advances, but now their nice words helped me feel like a woman. I never went out with any of those guys, never cheated. They just seemed so caring and romantic comparing to my boyfriend.

    Than, a week ago, I discovered that my boyfriend is seriously addicted to porn and masturbation. I borrowed his laptop and saw all those things… It became clear to me that all those months I was trying to “connect” with him… he spent looking at other women. Porn actresses. He was also registered on one of the adult “dating” sites and sent messages to some women there. Young, old… One of them was as old as my mum. She was not even attractive, not someone I woud ever feel treatened by in real life… Why on Earth would he do that to me? The beakdown I had at that moment is indescribable… :/// I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

    I confronted him. This is when he broke down and admitted he was a PMO addict. All that time I thought he was uninterested in sex… he spent nearly every morning masturbating in the bathroom watching porn. I remember he liked spending a lot of time in the bathroom but it ever occured to me that this was the reason why. It came as a shock – complete shock – because I never ever imagine him to be one of “those guys”… You see, I thought the only guys masturbating to porn are those who can’t get “normal sex”… Masculine, successful, handsome men don’t spend their mornings touching their genitals… That’s what I though. It didn’t make any sense to me.

    His honesty was the only reason I didn’t move out then and there. I cried and cried over the next days… I don’t want to go into details of what I’ve been through but it was the most horrible thing to experience. As a woman I felt my world has collapsed. To know that he was arroused by “those women” and preferred them to me was just heart-breaking.

    I looked for information about porn addiction and discovered yourbrainonporn, this forum, other sites… We talked a lot. A lot. And this is probably what saved the feelings I had left for him. He told me he is determined to beat it. It became obvious that this is the first time he realised he HAS a SERIOUS PROBLEM. I didn’t understand why he hasn’t noticed that earlier?! This was pushing him into a very dark place…away from me, his family and life in general. I thought to myself that if ever reached a point where looking at countless penises online would be my preffered activity… I would surely realise I had a problem, right? To be in the best years of your life and waste them like that… He must have known… Or so I thought. The more are read about porn-addcition the more I undestood…

    I now believe him he might not have realised where porn was taking him. Why? Because I – too – started going in that direction and didn’t notice any red falgs…: I was in a relationship and masturbated way more often than when I was single… I was unhappy but didn’t know why…. I blamed others. Who knows where would it take me..

    Up until last Saturday I never viewed porn as a negative thing. In fact, I’ve always been “open-minded” about it and thought it can’t hurt you if you know how to use it. This is B*S. It will hurt you if you use it. It will make you sad, lonely, detached. Unhappy. There is nothing good that you can get out of your relationship with porn. I wish people spoke more openly about what PMO has done to their lives.

    We’ve almost lost each other. I’m not saying we will definately get through it – it’s only been a week and I know his problem goes waaay back. He was hiding it for years. There is no doubt he will find this journey hard. And I have to trust him again, belive in myself, stop comparing myself to other women… It will be hard :/ But his heart and mind are in the right place. And mine are too.

    So we’re doing this 90-days no PMO challenge together. I sincerely hope it will “rewire” our minds and bodies. I honestly don’t want to spend my life like this. I know he feels the same.

    I know we have everything we need to succeed. I’m wondering whether it would help anyone if I wrote here from time to time, telling obout our experience…

    I hope you find it in yourself and realise you’re so much better that this sh*t. Real life is waiting for you.Don’t spend your valuable time looking at strange women spreading their legs and random guys getting between them… :/ :/ :/

    I admire you all for being strong, for continuing on this journey and for wanting to change 🙂

    http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1o7mt9/how_my_bfs_pmo_uknowingly_pushed_me_into_a_dark/

  10. 33-year old man gets help from GF

    I strongly recommend getting a / your girl in on it. I think most girls
    find it interesting, are aware of the issues related to porn and
    masturbation addiction, and most likely have been exposed to it before.
    Also most girls are always up for a good challenge and sure want to know
    they can make you blow a (huge) load – as it makes them feel powerful.
    And if she’s not down with it then chances are she is not very
    open-minded and you should not be hanging with her anyway, no matter how
    hot she might be.

  11. A guy explains how important his GF’s support was

    I met a girl and we started to date, and I was confident for the first time. One day, I was driving her to her house and we started to kiss inside the car. We jumped to the back seat and things started to get interesting. I thought I was finally going to perform… But I didn’t. In a matter of seconds, the courage that I had built up started to shatter. That is when I decided to do something different. Instead of making up an excuse like I did with the other girls, I decided to go ALL IN: I told her about my problems and my struggles. She understood and kindly invited me to her house. I accepted and stayed there for a couple of hours talking. She was very caring and helpful and told me things that I will never forget. She told me not to worry and that there was no hurry whatsoever. She said she would help me out, no matter how long it took, no matter how many attempts. That was game changing.

    Fast forward a couple of weeks, I asked her if she wants to be my girlfriend. She accepts it and for the first time, I am officially dating for the first time! We have been together for almost a year now, and things could not be any better. I ended up curing ED and we get along really well. Life once again feels limitless and full of possibilities. 🙂

    10 years of Porn Addiction, 5 years of ED, 4 relationships ruined. And how I managed to get over it.

  12. Age 22 – ED cured: Calm down and take it slow

    Hey guys it’s been a little while and the reason is because I am doing fantastic! I just looked back and read some of my old posts and couldn’t help but think about how far I have come. Long story short I was dealing with PIED for over a year and a half. I knew what my problem was and ‘how to fix it’ but it wasn’t working. Multiple failed attempts in the past at having sex, zero confidence, anxiety, and much more was standing in my way. I honestly think I recovered long before I had realized but was too depressed and anxious to know it.

    I had minimal morning wood and didn’t have the greatest sexual experiences with the girl who is now my girlfriend. I was literally too freaked out to pay attention to the important/fun things, In life including sex. After many times of premature ehaculation, partial boners, and crappy experiences I finally got the hang of it. Rewiring is CRUCIAL. We have great sex now. I got her off 5 times the other day while having sex! I had zero ED issues and could last as long as I wanted. If you read some of my older posts you’d think I am lying.

    My advice is to CALM DOWN. Enjoy the for play and kissing. Enjoy every part. Take it slow. You don’t need to be walking around with a boner to feel recovered. I started getting my morning wood back when I relaxed. It’s a viscous cycle. You might ask how can I relax when my dick doesn’t work? My answer is to just trust me. I was in the exact same boat. My gf was patient with me while I was figuring it all out. I think a common misconception here is that once you’re recovered youre horny all the time and that’s just not true. I feel like I’m rambling now. If you have any questions just respond and I’ll answer as best as I can.

    LINK – Short and to the point

    BY – franky jr

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