Vibrators and Other Pleasures: When Moderation Fails (2011)

15 thoughts on “Vibrators and Other Pleasures: When Moderation Fails (2011)

  1. Comment posted on the “Psychology Today” version of this piece
    A woman wrote (in response to someone who said our article was trying to “make women frightened of their sexuality”):

    What bothers me in all of the sex-positive talk is it wants to deny that too much vibration can have deleterious effects on the body. Why is that we can accept that injury to the hands can be caused by, oh I dunno, say a jack hammer, but we want to resoundingly deny it can happen to the clitoris? Have to say, hot damn vibration feels good, but it left me with an achy numbness which made it near impossible to enjoy softer touch over time—which meant I had to give it up entirely to get the sensation back.

    Admissions like mine and articles like this aren’t where the threat lies. It’s in the hands of individuals who want to make us feel ashamed for exploring our sexual side, who censure information and who limit conversation. The more open we are about sex the better off we’ll be.

  2. A woman posted this on Yahoo

    I’m a woman and I’m pretty sure I’ve desensitized myself to men and the desire for actual sex by watching too much porn. I don’t think it’s simply a phenomena affecting men; more women are affected by this than they would probably like to admit as well, even though we obviously can’t suffer from erectile dysfunction. I personally have a significant loss in libido for the real thing, and I attribute a lot of that to watching too much porn. Seeing a man’s genitalia in real life hasn’t become exciting because I see them all the time in porn. There’s no stimulation simply from viewing the opposite sex naked. It’s about the same to me now as watching the nightly news.

  3. A woman posted this on Psychology Today
    under an article about porn-induced sexual dysfunction:

    I have this exact problem except I don’t have a penis.

    When I read this it made me realize this is what I have been suffering. I did not know Porn was my problem. I have been looking at porn, and addicted to it since I was very, very young. I am only 24 and my love life is a struggle at best. My husband understands somewhat but I have never really been able to tell him what it was from, as I didn’t tell him about my addiction. Mine started normal, where my sensitivity to touch decreased exponentially, since I started looking at porn. Also as the paper said, the porn I viewed also increased in “harshness”. I used to get turned on over nakedness and now at a stage where I am concerned about my mental sanity.

    I have a hard time achieving any type of orgasm without clitoral stimulation and some hard thought processing on my part. I miss being able to have sex and it feel good without much effort.

    I have not looked at porn for a long time, and have just started again, and the time away did not increase my libido but might explain why i had no libido. I used to have a very extreme libido and could barely control it, now I don’t even like being touched.

    I think in my case, giving up porn and visual aids would be difficult and a long journey. I have a feeling it might be years before my sensitivity would come back, if that. Here is for hoping! Thank you for writing this and bring this to not only my attention but many others!

    I hope the authors understand that women, along with men, use porn to masturbate too. In secret I bet women are pretty close to the amount and severity that men use and maybe that’s why many women need some type of stimulation to achieve anything. Vibrators are the devil and I will be getting rid of mine, that’s for sure.

  4. Another woman experiencing desensitization
    Contributed by a forum member:

    I have a female friend whose orgasms have become so-so. She’s been smoking herb for years and says she can’t have a good orgasm unless shes smoked weed and unless she fantasizes about being used. She’s also into extreme porn and doesn’t want to give that up.

  5. A girl on Reddit

    Seemingly no sex drive, but watch porn and mastubate frequently. Any way to change this? 19yo virgin and first post , so pretty new to it all.

    I’ve been in positions to have sex (heh) since I was 16, but I chickened out at the 11th hour every time. The three relationships I’ve had were incredibly short lived (a few months, tops) because I bailed as soon as I was pressured for sex.

    It was all pretty tame, but as soon as it moved from dry humping (which I was never completely into) to handjobs or beyond I freaked out and was immediately not attracted to the guy.

    Meanwhile, I’ve been masturbating since I can remember (maybe once every day) and watching porn (about three times a week) for the last few years. Why can’t I be turned on by a guy that is actually there and eager to please me?

    Has anyone else had a similar experience where they enjoy porn and masturbating much more than sex?

  6. A woman on Reddit
    wrote:

    My previous SO and I had a long distance relationship, and that’s when I started getting into masturbating and porn. We sometimes wouldn’t see each other for a couple months at a time, so I masturbated and watched porn almost everyday for 3 years. Within the first year of our relationship, I found that the sex we had was dull and I couldn’t get off from just sex at all. So as soon as he was done, I’d sneak off to finish myself watching really extreme porn. The porn got more extreme as the years went on, and the sexual relationship I had with my SO became worse.

    I have a new SO, we’ve been seeing each other for over a year. In the beginning of our relationship, he mentioned to me that when we had sex, seems like my mind was elsewhere and that I’m not connecting with him at all. Sometimes in the middle of sex, I’d end up thinking about something I’ve seen or read recently, instead of HIM. After I decided to take this challenge and read a little on r/kareeza.. things are so much better between us. I feel an empowering connection, and my mind doesn’t drift at all. Sex feels better, being with my SO is better, and I can orgasm so much easier now with just sex alone. Plus, the orgasms are better than PVO.

     

  7. From Psychology Today

    Kim has commented on: “Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem”

    Subject: This doesn’t just apply to men!

    It’s ridiculous to claim women don’t understand the need for masturbation. Numerous recent studies show that a very high percentage of women masturbate, and frequently! Why would female sex toys exist if no one buys them?

    As for this article, I am struggling with this particular issue as well, and I am a woman in a long-term relationship. I usually masturbate every few days, and I started using porn because it made it easier and faster to reach orgasm. However, each time it gets more and more difficult to climax, and over the years the porn I watch has become more extreme/unusual to get the same amount of excitement. I also cannot climax with my boyfriend. It’s very true that porn desensitizes you, but once you can hardly orgasm without it, it’s difficult to give up.

     

  8. Woman on reddit
    posted this:

    I am only able to come when masturbating to kinky porn (mostly gangbang). My SO is definitely not into that, and I’m worried that regular sex will never turn me on enough to get me to come. Should I be concerned?? How can I wean myself off this?

  9. Glad that I didn’t have a good experience with Vibrators
    I’m a 40-year old woman, and I do have a lot of history when it comes to masturbation. Reading this article, I’m glad that my experience with sex toys was a negative one. About three years ago, I did buy a vibrator (because the digital stimulation of my clitoris, pillow humping, etc. didn’t really satisfy me anymore), but this plastic penis turned out too big for my vagina, and so it wouldn’t enter – and I didn’t really know how to use this vibrating device otherwise. After a little while, my bad conscience also caught me and I trashed it. Later, I heard about a smaller device, and I was tempted to get it, but fortunately I didn’t! Anyway, I can only underline what was said in the article:

    “We can overstimulate our brains many ways, but food and sex are particularly alluring.”

    Indeed, it usually has been one of the two addictions that I’ve been hooked up in the past. Whenever food wasn’t my problem, it was certainly masturbation (sometimes even both) – including fantasizing of course, as well as inappropriate reading material that would turn me on (at times also soft porn). And I have definitely overstimulated myself in many ways. Unfortunately, I’m still single, and my last sexual encounter is many years ago. But I’m a Christian and I don’t believe in premarital sex, so I can’t do anything else but wait!

  10. Woman’s porn addiction
    ExistenceTheorem7 days 21 points 2 hours agoOh, believe me, some women need no fap.

    I used to watch more porn than most men I know. I’d get an urge, then spend anywhere from five minutes to an hour searching for the perfect video to get off to because I found myself bored of the same old stuff. I started off with soft stuff in my early teens and it turned into the most taboo things I could find. I had a folder in the GB range on my PC. I put files on my phone and mp3/video player for easy access when I couldn’t be near a computer. I got a trial account on a porn site because I saw a gif that turned me on so much that I just had to know who the girl was.

    The next part is a bit more graphic and details how all this altered(alters) my views on sex, so I’m gonna go ahead and NSFW it to be safe.This porn addiction has changed my life in so many ways. The idea of slowly making love seemed uninteresting to me. I only had PIV sex with one guy and it sucked because he has ED due to PMO and is trying to fix it. However, I’ve done other things with other guys. I always wanted to blow them and found that it turned me on more than getting it from them. In fact, I never wanted anyone to go down on me, not even a girl who offered after I went down on her. Guys couldn’t finger me hard enough; everything had to be rougher for me. I wanted to be called a bitch and a whore. I asked to be slapped and most guys couldn’t do it. Sex was basically everything but loving for me; all that was missing from my sex life was a camera and a paycheck. I considered myself bisexual, but could never see myself in a relationship with a woman. Basically all I wanted to do with women was eat them out and fuck them with a strap on. So not only was I objectifying myself, I was objectifying them as well. Sexual encounters with others felt okay, but never did much for me. I’d lie about how good it felt and I’d fake orgasms just for it to end. It felt wrong, dirty, and I just wanted to be left alone. With porn? I’d have the most intense orgasms and I’d do it anywhere from one to five times a day.

    Nobody ever knew because I’m pretty damn tight down there and my PMO problems never showed in that aspect the way it does with some men and ED. However, the damage it has done to me psychologically with regard to sex, self-esteem, and relationships are pretty damn evident. Also, it made me want to flirt with men a lot less. “Why do I need to talk to that cute guy? He’s never going to make me feel good sexually the way I can feel by myself.” I’d be in a conversation with a guy online, and I’d just get up and walk away from the PC to masturbate. I’d be late to class or work because I just needed to get in that one quickie PMO session. I was pathetic and I wanted to change it. It wasn’t until recently that I came to terms with all the ways that I’ve changed from this. I’ve been free of PMO for seven days and I’m all tingly down there, porn clips flash into my head sometimes and, to be candid, sometimes I feel like I just want to grab the first guy that walks by my house and just fuck his brains out.

    So yeah, ladies definitely get affected by all of this.

    http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/17xrb8/i_want_to_hear_from_the_women_on_this_site/c89v2u6

  11. From another site
    A young woman reports:

    this is so relieving to read. i’m a 20 year old girl and i’m pretty this is my problem. I have yet to find any other females reporting having this problem though. Apparently they just don’t look at porn, heh. i was mega confused when I hadn’t been with anyone for a year and wasn’t even able to get aroused for my new boyfriend who I knew I was attracted to as much as I could ever possibly be to anyone. I thought it was just self consciousness (even though I didn’t actually have any anxiety) or just my hormones were whacked.

    It wasn’t adding up though, I’m like a shining beacon of health among my more sexually active peers. If anything my athleticism should be bumping up my testosterone and giving me an edge.

    Today I realized I can barely get myself off WITH porn and my Os have not been the same the last few times. I’m surprised my boyfriend even managed to. anyways, i found out about this today. even though all the info I found is in regards to males there’s many parallels. can’t get off or aroused without P, not actually being aroused before M, watching more extreme P consisting of stuff that weren’t actually in line with my real life fetishes, etc. even homosexual porn ceased to gross me out.

    I am so ecstatic to find to root of my problem. rebooting should be fast and easy considering I was never really *addicted* (just bored) and i haven’t been engaging in said desensitizing behaviors for even a year or as often as others. your results make me be hopeful. cheers! ^_^=

  12. Glad that I didn’t have a good experience with Vibrators
    Posted on YBOP

    I’m a 40-year old woman, and I do have a lot of history when it comes to masturbation. Reading this article, I’m glad that my experience with sex toys was a negative one. About three years ago, I did buy a vibrator (because the digital stimulation of my clitoris, pillow humping, etc. didn’t really satisfy me anymore), but this plastic penis turned out too big for my vagina, and so it wouldn’t enter – and I didn’t really know how to use this vibrating device otherwise. After a little while, my bad conscience also caught me and I trashed it. Later, I heard about a smaller device, and I was tempted to get it, but fortunately I didn’t! Anyway, I can only underline what was said in the article:

    “We can overstimulate our brains many ways, but food and sex are particularly alluring.”

    Indeed, it usually has been one of the two addictions that I’ve been hooked up in the past. Whenever food wasn’t my problem, it was certainly masturbation (sometimes even both) – including fantasizing of course, as well as inappropriate reading material that would turn me on (at times also soft porn). And I have definitely overstimulated myself in many ways. Unfortunately, I’m still single, and my last sexual encounter is many years ago. But I’m a Christian and I don’t believe in premarital sex, so I can’t do anything else but wait!

  13. I’ve noticeably lost sensitivity in my clitoris from my vibrator
    I’ve noticeably lost sensitivity in my clitoris from my vibrator

    Hello NoFap, I’ve been lurking for a while now and have been debating whether I should start on a NoFap regimen. I read hentai quite a bit and masturbate almost every day. I understand that I need to quit: I’ve noticeably lost sensitivity in my clitoris from my vibrator, I find myself mentally objectifying my male friends, and I lose a lot of valuable time that I should be spending on work projects.

    However, I’m afraid that if I do quit, I might have that confidence that so many Fapstronauts have experienced and/or might feel more physically attracted to my male friends. I have a partner in a long distance relationship, and I don’t want to accidentally flirt or give signs that I’m interested when I’m not. To clarify, I’m very clear in my verbal behavior that I’m in a wonderful happy relationship and am not interested in anyone else, but I don’t want to develop any non-verbal behavior that says otherwise.

  14. One month no porn, masturbation or vibrators
    One month no porn, masturbation or vibrators

    I am a 26 year old female. I was in a pretty fruitless long term relationship where I was able to utilize porn to pick up the slack. After the relationship ended, I definitely increased my porn use to every day. I met my now fiance and we have sex pretty regularly. However, when I was out of work for a couple of months, I was masturbating several times a day. By the time he got home, I didnt ever feel like having sex or the sex just didnt feel that great.

    I went back to work but still was masturbating and watching porn at least 2-3x a day. I realized he was rarely able to get me off with oral (he used to all the time!) and never could with his hands.

    It has been four weeks of no masturbation, porn or vibrators and I feel like a changed woman!!! Our sex together has become so much more fruitful and connected. I dont have porn images running through my head. He’s able to get me off so easily now with both oral and his hands and I feel like he is so much more fulfilled. I am craving him versus craving the porn. I still get urges but I am more able and willing to control myself.

  15. Female – unable to orgasm with men, only alone: success story

    Hi!

    Just dropping by to share my progress so far.

    I started nofap in January, 247 days ago to be precise. Reason being I could get myself off as much as I liked but couldn’t orgasm with a partner (any partner), whatever they did or however hard they tried.

    Back when I was 19 had never masturbated before in my life, and I used to only orgasm from me-on-top PIV sex (which I realise is quite rare, as most women need clitoral stimulation, but I didn’t). By age 20 I had got quite a taste for orgasms, and when single got myself a rampant rabbit – big mistake, PIV O’s never seen again, or any other kind of O’s with anyone. Over the next 14 years I could O only from the rabbit, while fantasising (or watching porn). 6 years ago I chucked the rabbit and finally learned how to use my hand, but still had to fantasise or watch porn to O. I could only orgasm with a partner, if I MO’d myself a certain precise way during sex and fantasised, so I wasn’t present. I also couldn’t get physically aroused with my partner any more. I though this was because we had been together for nearly a decade and the spark was gone – but actually it’s because my mind only recognised my own hand and unrealistic fantasises as a source of orgasmic pleasure.

    So, fed up with only being able to satisfy myself and feeling broken down there, I decided to try nofap. I quit porn and haven’t looked at it once since quitting, which wasn’t a problem as I only watched it a few times a month and was never addicted to it. I was desensitised from it though, even from just watching it a few times a month. I also attempted to quit MO, which I have been pretty successful with, having long streaks, but then I would have the odd week of relapsing here & there. Most importantly I decided to stop fantasising about unrealistic or pornographic things. These thoughts had accompanied my arousal and orgasm for 14 years, and its these thoughts that were really messing up my psychological sexual function.

    There were 2 issues that needed sorting out;

    • Physically – I had the female version of death grip. I could only O if I rubbed my clit with a certain pressure, direction and speed. So I had become completely physically desensitised to any other kind of touch from myself, let alone from another person.
    • Psychologically – I had the female versions of both PIED and DE. I could only become physically aroused or reach O if I was off in fantasy land or watching porn. No one and nothing that happened in real life triggered physical arousal for me, even if I was horny and gagging for sex. So of course, O with a partner was not possible.

    This is how it’s gone so far;

    Day 20+ arousal issues started to improve
    Day 40+ sex and touch start to feel much more pleasurable
    Day 47; had my first ever O from oral sex – in the upright sitting-on-face position (still needed that element of being in control) – have continued to have these since then
    Day 70+ during a relapse phase, able to MO clitorally without fantasising for the first time, from touch alone. And able to O from massaging and gentle touch rather than intense rubbing motion.
    Day 200+ during another relapse phase, able to MO vaginally without direct clit stim for the first time, simulating sex. Vastly increased lubrication during sex – sometimes to gushy levels
    Day 246 (yesterday!); I had my first ever O from oral sex while laying down – crucially, this is the first orgasm I’ve ever had in my life where I wasn’t upright/on top, and therefore not in control of the motion. So technically, it’s the first time in my life that I’ve been able to lie back and relax while someone else brings me to orgasm, with absolutely no input from myself

    Where I have put ‘first time’ above, I mean first time ever, in my entire life.

    So it’s taken me 8 months to get to this point. I’m still not able to O from PIV sex like I used to before I started masturbating, but I do believe it will be possible if I keep going with this, as I’m able to MO vaginally now. The physical ability is there (which it wasn’t before, I wasn’t physically able to when I was PMO’ing and fantasy MO’ing all the time), it’s just the mental side of transferring it back to actual sex to figure out now.

    Strangely my MO’ing has never reduced my sex drive or my attraction to partners, or my capacity for intimacy. I remained a very sexual person throughout my MO addiction. I just didn’t work properly any more. And as a very sexual person, this was very upsetting for me.

    It’s worth mentioning that death grip, PIED and DE are all very noticeable for a male, with the sex organs on the outside and very obvious. But for a female, where it’s all neat and internal, you can’t tell. You don’t realise there’s a problem for a long time, because you can’t see it. And whereas a man needs to be physically aroused to have sex, a woman doesn’t. I enjoy the sensation of lube, but I spent 14 years relying on it because my body wasn’t responding. If I were a man, I’m pretty sure I would have been sorting this out as soon as my bits stopped working properly, instead of 14 years down the line. I’m now in my 30’s, and spent the whole of my 20’s with a MO addiction only responding to myself. All the while completely clueless to what the problem actually was.

    Anyway, my advice is this. If porn or masturbation are in any way affecting your desire for sex, your responsiveness to another person, your sexual function or your ability to orgasm, now is the time to start taking action. It might take a long time, it might take a really long time, abstinence will be unbearable at times, and you will relapse at times. You will sometimes feel like it’s pointless, that it’s not working. But it will be working. If you try, and you dust yourself off and get back on it after you fall, slowly but surely, your mind will be re-wiring in the background, your sensitivity and responsiveness will start to return. For me, reconditioning has been absolutely crucial so far, not just abstinence. If I didn’t have someone to play with, who was aware of my issues and willing to be patient with me and help me learn it all again, I would not be able to do this, my sex drive is too high to just go without sex. My partner, who is a recovering PA himself, has given me wonderful oral for months, on a weekly basis, well aware that there would probably be no orgasm from it, but willing to do it anyway, purely because it feels nice for me and helps my mind re-learn. It’s this kind of play and understanding that is needed.

    Don’t get too hung up on the 90 days thing. I was never even addicted to porn and it’s taken me a lot longer than that to get to where I am now, and I’m still not where I want to be yet. Think of it as a new way of life that will be ongoing, and just be patient with it :)

    Hopefully I’ll be back at some point to say that my PIV orgasms are back :Dbut regardless, I’ll be carrying on, because being able to lie back and receive pleasure and O on my partners face is just the best! :)

    LINK – Female – unable to orgasm with men, only alone – success story so far!

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