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Any suggestions for healing delayed ejaculation (DE)?
Submitted by Gary Wilson and... on Sun, 02/13/2011 - 17:37
Many porn users report that delayed ejaculation was a precursor to their erectile dysfunction. Years of porn use can cause a variety of symptoms, which when examined, lie on a spectrum. It's likely that a combination of "death-grip" masturbation methods, desensitization of the reward circuitry and sensitized addiction pathways are behind these various symptoms, which include:
- Masturbating without porn is “unsatisfying,” or difficult
- Earlier genres of porn are no longer "exciting"
- Experiencing greater sexual excitement with porn than with a partner
- Decreasing sensitivity of penis
- Declining sexual arousal with sexual partner(s)
- Losing erection while attempting penetration
- Little or no stimulation from penetrative sex
- Needing to fantasize to maintain erection or interest with sexual partner
- Can't ejaculate (or perhaps maintain erection) with oral sex or intercourse
Davy Rothbart wrote about delayed ejaculation, faking orgasm, and other porn-induced sexual issues in this popular article: He’s Just Not That Into Anyone . For a complete understanding of this problem, I suggest reading our Psychology Today post: Why Do I Find Porn More Exciting Than A Partner? In addition, unusual or vigorous masturbation techniques can contribute to copulatory erectile dysfunction. Normal intercourse cannot match the pressure (death grip) and speed (very rapid movement) employed by many desensitized men. A success story in a very short time:
For 3 years, I was unable to cum with my long relationship gf. She loves me so much that she would not care and our sex life was decent but with that major flaw. 2 weeks ago I found this subreddit, 12 days (almost 13) I decided to start this 3 months challenge. 1st week was a complete nightmare: bad dreams, edging, urges, frustration, anger.. fighting with myself every single night. 2nd week I was able to control it thanks to some tips from you guys: exercise, running, keeping myself busy, etc. Today, day 12th I had sex with my gf and iI was able to perform perfectly. When I reach climax and came I cried, finally proof that this is working. I feel stronger than ever and have no desire at all to fap. I know there will be days when the urge arises again but this time I know that not doing is more than worth it.
The suggestions for DE are the same as for porn-induced ED. This faq- Is my erectile dysfunction (ED) related to my porn use? contains everything you need to know. For a basic overview of the likely causes watch Erectile Dysfunction and Porn. Update: Dr. Oz Show addresses porn-induced erectile dysfunction January 31, 2013
Here are just a few comments from men with DE :
As someone who spans the gap between the pre-Internet porn era, and the high speed porn era, I can tell you I had no problems including both sex and masturbation in my routines in the early to mid nineties. When I started getting into Internet video porn in the late nineties and into the oughts, that's when my dysfunction developed. Delayed ejaculation was a huge problem: I could no longer orgasm from oral sex and I sometimes had difficulty with orgasm in a vagina. I found myself having to masturbate after sex with my wife because I couldn't get off any other way, and sometimes even masturbation didn't work all that well.
In the pre-internet era, when I had only my mind's fantasies, masturbation was something I did frequently, but high speed porn changed everything--I was doing it more than once a day. If I didn't feel like masturbation, but wanted to relieve stress or go to sleep, porn helped me get aroused. I even found myself looking at porn prior to sex with my wife, in order to get aroused because she just couldn't do it for me, anymore. Once I eliminated porn from the equation (which hasn't been easy), my masturbation frequency dropped and my sex life improved.
I dumped my GF to go hardcore mode [no porn, masturbation or orgasm for a while] lol.. Didn't want to tell her about my Addiction. It's not that I couldn't get it up. I lasted usually 2 hours nonstop nd still wouldn't be able to cum. She knew something was up. Cuz guys without PMO addiction don't last that long.
I've decided to stop taking Cialis. When it comes to medicine I believe less is more given the potential for adverse interactions and side-effects. Plus, I think stopping Cialis might help my delayed ejaculation. In my case Cialis is not directly causing the dysfunction given I've struggled for 30 years with difficulty having an orgasm with a partner. However, just like with porn I think Cialis makes it hard for me to be in touch with just how horny I may or may not naturally be.
I suspect that part of my problem is that I am engaging in orgasm-seeking sex when my body is not actually desiring that kind of sexual activity and release. Now that I have stopped using porn my body is becoming a lot more sensitive. If my guess is correct then my difficulties with ejaculation will be cured once I relearn to reach orgasm through simply experiencing the pleasure emanating from my own body. Fortunately this appears to be happening mostly spontaneously. Earlier this week I was very horny and felt drawn to masturbate. I'm not trying to abstain from orgasm so I gave into the desire but intentionally stayed away from deep fantasy.
The experience ended up being more like my body was masturbating itself than me directly controlling the process. My difficulties with ejaculation have gotten so bad in the last few years that even masturbation is often frustrating. In contrast this was an extremely pleasant experience and I was able to cum more easily than I have in years.
I’m glad to see someone mention delayed ejaculation. I’ve lived with that all my life and I’ve never found anyone (including docs) who are familiar with the dysfunction or have any suggestions for improving it. Like you, I began using Viagra and Cilalis to help me keep it up long enough to have an orgasm – often well over an hour of intense stimulation. I thought regular doses of porn were also necessary. Good news: by adopting karezza practices in combination with staying away from porn, I am now experiencing some of the most satisfying sex of my life with no ED meds; and I’ve got two decades on you. My erections are more frequent, firmer and longer lasting and since orgasm is no longer the goal, our lovemaking is relaxing and lasts as long as both of us want it to.
it works fellas, keep at it
crazy i missed my prime years because porn addiction (from July 2002 to Aug 2012, 23 to 33) & i had no idea porn was the reason for the ED & SEVERE retarded ejaculation (i couldn't orgasm during sex whatsoever for 10 years. yes 10 years, a full decade 0 orgasms during sex, & weak erections during sex. a decade of bad sex. a nightmare to put it as mildly as possible. only i could get myself off with my hand) now i can enjoy sex & climax again like i used to in my younger days, thanks to NPMO, & of course yourbrainonporn.com, where i got the idea from. it's crazy it really only took me 3 weeks for a massive breakthrough (orgasm missionary with a blowup doll. then finally a few months later with a real girl), but some will take much longer so keep at it. it's a constant struggle but it gets easier & easier to avoid porn. and like ghost dog says, porn = poison. it's dead serious
Delayed ejaculation was how it began for me, too. For awhile I thought it was the anti-depressants I was taking, but changing my medication didn't help much. Then I started blaming my wife—maybe she wasn't attractive to me, anymore, or maybe if she'd just do some of the porn kink I saw on the Internet, I'd be able to get off. Delayed ejaculation was just the start of it, though, and eventually I was experiencing some ED symptoms. I started using porn just to "warm up" for sex with my wife, and then I'd fill my head with scenes from my porn library and fantasize about them while I had sex with her—but none of that really helped, either. It was messed up. You don't want to get to that point. Read more, including his recovery.
90-day report - From years of PMO I had unknowingly messed up the natural sexual urges that allow normal orgasm during sex. I could get hard but had DE (delayed ejaculation) to the point where I was ashamed to have sex as I would not be able to cum with a woman. Now? It was a difficult transition to have a steady girlfriend, but she was loving and patient with me – something that I am not with myself. My DE is much better, and the techniques for delay are now used to make her orgasm multiple times. My pent up sexual desire now has a valid outlet and it feels soooooo good to be the sexual creature that I was born to be without feelings of guilt afterwards.
My sexual therapist told me that 'ejaculation retardation' is a lot more common than I thought and is linked with over-exposure to Internet porn.
I masturbated from 14 onwards at least once a day, but usually more. I have always been a proficient computer user and had been accessing porn on the Internet since at least the age of 16/17. I only became sexually active from 20 onwards (and after reading most of this site I understand perhaps why). However, I was never able to ejaculate. In fact I got little or no stimulation from penetrative sex at all.
Eventually, at the age of 28, I went to the doctor who referred me to a sexual health expert, who in turn referred me to a sexual therapist. This was the best thing that ever happened to me. She had resources on masturbation, and advised me to retrain my penis to get stimulation from a more relaxed grip. Eventually she gave me the ultimatum that really in order to resolve my issue I needed to refrain from masturbating to porn entirely and use my imagination only. However, motivation wasn't my strong point. It wasn't until I found a good excuse not to masturbate (relocation, weirdly) that I seriously attempted to refrain from the activity. One weekend thereafter I had a girl friend of mine visit, and through a brave show on her part, along with a lot of effort on mine, it happened. Twice. At 30 years old I had finally ejaculated during intercourse.
Bad habits...I relapsed. However, my participation on a dating forum pointed me in the direction of yourbrainonporn.com and it all clicked together. Here was the justification I needed to make a go of stopping permanently. So this is what happened three weeks ago. Last week I hooked up with another female friend and we had sex in the back of my car. I reached orgasm literally within seconds. It was so liberating. I'm now very happy to continue my reboot. Things have started to improve socially. I'm having more experiences when going out where I am just 'on it.' Present to the moment, having fun and vibing with people. I'm also relating to women a lot easier.
Surprisingly i did not suffer from ED like many fellow addicts on YBOP. I was able to get hard at the prospect of sex with my girlfriend whenever it arrived, but I was unable to achieve orgasm, unless from very intense stimulation or from fantasising about some of the porn I watched frequently. As the relationship progressed, I was still masturbating and watching porn frequently and my girlfriend did not mind because it did not really affect our sex life. But the more I watched porn and masturbated, the less aroused I would be with her and/or reject sex with her (sometimes even just to masturbate to porn), which started to frustrate her more and more. Eventually she wanted me to stop because it had started to affect our sex life.
(Reply from another forum member) You are so lucky you didn't really have ED, although the lack of sexual interest for a partner is a pain as well. I go through the same and worse as I had ED. I am getting much better now although I know it will take a long time until it all goes well. I still don't/rarely get spontaneous erections with my partner. But I already get hard 90% of the times with just some light touch (she never masturbates me, just light touch). I am at the stage where my libido for intercourse still isn't good enough, but where I do like it when it happens (I have a lot of anxiety). My sensitivity down there wakes up when we start. Before my reboot, I was taking viagra to get an erection, else nothing would happen, and also had to think of porn to orgasm most of the times. Now I have to stop her from even gentle caressing if I don't orgasm for over a week or two, or I will orgasm. It's huge progress.
Yes you read that right. DE. Stands for Delayed Ejaculation, colloquially known as death grip. For that past few months sex with my girlfriend has been good, but I've never been able to come from sex, blowjobs, or even handjobs. Since being together I've lightened up on the fapping and porn, but never gave it up all together. I was frustrated and I realized it was time for a reset. So I stopped. We had sex last night and for the first time I came from purely vaginal stimulation. It was amazing and we both were so happy. Thanks no fap for being there to browse when I wanted to fap.
My success continues.....in week 10 of my reboot...an even better session with the missus tonight.....not only did I blow my load relatively quickly (defeating DE), I did it without having to go hard as I usually would to finish. I went slow all the way, like never before, and it was brilliant. I could even say that I tried to back right off towards the end as I didn't want to finish so soon! Not bad for someone with a bad case of DE for a number of years.
I've suffered from delayed and no ejaculation for years, however now with NoFap it seems to be completely gone (LINK). For me I think this problem had two sides: increased insensitivity because of fapping - that is I could not get any sensation with a condom. And secondly due to porn I had unreal expectations of sex.
These expectations can be a lot different because I kind of had these checkpoints for myself e.g. I expect heavy breathing or moaning, I expect the girl to go absolutely crazy at some point before she comes. Without meeting these checkpoints I could not finish. Sex will be different with each person so I guess the main thing to take away from nofap is that with everyone sex is different and you have to find your own way to enjoy it.
I think porn creates us a false image of how sex should be, similarly as these skinny supermodels create a false image how women should look. So keep up with the nofap (or if you have to occasionally masturbate, do it with a thick condom) and do absolutely no porn. And as my own observation: don't have sex because you want to have sex, have it because you want to have it with this person.
Hot damn! I orgasmed from PIV for the first time in nearly eight months! Although I'm only at 8 consecutive days, I've only reset a few times, and overall have masturbated three times in two months. I haven't been able to orgasm from sex (with or without condom) since January, even after an hour of sex. Today, condom on, orgasmed from sex. That's progress, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for the great subreddit. EDIT: I should mention that it wasn't ED, but DGS, that ruined sex previously.
You have DE (Delayed Ejaculation) and I have the same problem as well. Inability to reach orgasm during sex was one of several reasons why I ended up searching Google and discovering YBOP and NoFap. (LINK to thread) I went about 90 days without doing any PMO then I met a girl. We had sex a few times but I still had problems but then on day 98 I managed to cum. Since then I can reach orgasm about a in ever 4 times that I have sex and the other 3 times I go soft during sex. I last quite a while before I go soft though and she is very happy with the whole thing. The times where I do go soft I can get hard again 15 mins later and have sex again.
This is a massive difference to how I was 118 days ago where sometimes I couldn't even get an erection and if I did I would never cum during sex. It was highly frustrating. Frustrating is an understatement; It was upsetting. I have been wondering if I have started having sex too soon in to my reboot cycle because I am defiantly not fully healed (and neither are you) but I am actually quite happy so I'm gonna carry on and see where things go from here :)
Well, here it is: 90 days ago, I set out on a fateful journey that I believed to be impossible. I was on a mission to go 30 days without fapping. Why? There were a few reasons. For one, I love pushing myself, and I really wanted to see if I could do it. Two, I had some pretty bad delayed ejaculation problems with my previous girlfriend, and I wanted to fix them before I started seeing other women. I'm talking 2-3 hours of sex for me to be able to get off (so usually I ended up just stopping and going home and fapping).
So what of me and the girl I took to homecoming now? We've been happily dating for one month now, and we've had some pretty intense sex. My delayed ejaculation also seems to have disappeared for the most part.
My story: I started this last May to fix DE and ED. I'm not entirely healed, but things are much better and continue to (slowly) get better.I haven't been perfect. I went the first 2.5-3 weeks of absolutely no PMO or sex. Then I started having sex with my wife (including O) and found my DE was completely gone and remains gone. Yes! What a pain that had been. It'd gotten pretty severe. And my ED was much improved. So, big improvements in a short period.
At that point, I continued with no PM, but had sex regularly with my wife (including O). Sometimes I took ED medication (maybe 1x per week when I wanted to be very hard...as opposed to the variable 20-80% erections I was mostly having without meds....BTW, before no PMO, I had to use a cock ring plus 40mg Cialis (2x max recommended dose) and I still had trouble with PIV. Combined with DE, this often made sex frustrating).
My ED kept getting better for a month or two, but not close to perfect. Enough that it was manageable with medication and PIV was do-able without medication. I actually had no-medication PIV after a few drinks a couple of times. I haven't been able to do this for 5-7 years even with medication.
Then things stalled out a bit. I had a few relapses edging and viewing soft-core porn (topless pictures....nothing hard core and no video). I always reset my badge and move forward. When I've relapsed, pictures/soft-porn have played a relatively small role as I've been able to resist porn/photos much more easily than I've been able to resist edging to fantasy. None of this has happened a huge amount, but it has happened and I'm sure it has set me back when I've done it.
Based on what I know about reward systems generally (in terms of managing people), intermittent rewards often provide much stronger reinforcement than steady rewards. I'm now wondering if my intermittent/erratic/infrequent edging "schedule" had a powerful impact on my brain that made it much more difficult for me than one might think given the relatively few relapses I had.
In any event, a few weeks ago after relapsing to topless photos, I decided I had to go a little harder-core....so I committed to no orgasm even with PIV sex. Since then, no orgasm, no PMO, but I'm having PIV sex with my wife about 1-2x/week (it was 2-4x/week over the summer). I stop before orgasm.
The first time or two, I brought myself near orgasm, but I've decided not to do that any more...so I'm just enjoying it for a while, focusing on the sensations, and then stopping (...I make sure to give her an O in other ways). It's difficult because it's now very easy for me to orgasm and I have (generally) good control over when I orgasm. Given that I used to be able to (literally) cum on command during PIV but then lost that ability in a serious way, resisting the temptation to orgasm takes some serious will power.
It's too soon to say if my "no orgasm" plan is helping. I've had a nasty cold for about a week so we haven't done anything...but the last few PIV, I had a stronger erection than the last few weeks before I decided to eliminate all orgasms. If I don't see improvement from my current status by year end, then I'll switch to complete abstinence.
Just had my first orgasm from a blowjob, after trying for seven years and not managing to, after only 35 days of NoFap.
SEVEN, FUCKING, YEARS.
Fap now. I double dare you.
just wanted to say that No Fap works I could not have an orgasm with PIV. So to deal with it I was trying every thing. Like different girls and also different condom types/makes and I went to a sex therapist. The only thing that has worked for me is No Fap it cures Delayed Ejaculation.
It's been 48 days of no fap, no porn, no anything. I only touched my junk to wash and to use the restroom. I haven't been doing this for myself though - I did this for my girl. I had some problems in the bedroom and for some reason, I could never finish. Like ever. I decided for her sake, and for mine, I would start this journey. Well here I am, 48 days in. And today marks the day. I finished for her. It was easily the best orgasm I've ever had. If the ones to come are like this (pun intended), then I will gladly give up fapping. I wish everyone the best of luck, and I tell you all - It is worth it. Do not give up. Take it one day at a time.
After three years of trying, and 4 months of NoFap support, I finished in my wife. For years I didn't realize fapping was the problem, but now after making it to 38 days, I got outside my head and just let go. Thank you all.
Counter's accurate, back up to 5 full days since my second relapse. About...a month and 5 days since I started.
Been enjoying sex with my girlfriend WAY more than I ever have with any girl ever. Guys, if you don't believe in "superpowers" or any other effects (although I do), believe it: NoFap makes sex feel amazing, just like it's supposed to. I had KILLED my sensitivity with fapping for years.
Just last night together I realized I had reached the point where trying different positions in her V felt way better than my own hand. This is a huge step for me. My delayed ejaculation, which had had horrible effects on past relationships, is a thing of the past.
THANK YOU NOFAP! I don't even feel the temptation to relapse again. There are good days and bad days, but this is a good day!
If these guys are right that the cause of delayed ejaculation is that their brain needs to bounce back to normal sensitivity through stopping porn and gentler lovemaking, then the key to understanding and correcting delayed ejaculation is much the same as the key to healing erectile dysfunction. For more, watch Erectile Dysfunction and Porn or read Is my erectile dysfunction (ED) related to my porn use?.