Ndifakile ukusuka kwi-13 ukuya kwi-25 phantse amaxesha e-3-4 ngeveki, ndihlala ndibukela iphonografi, ke eyam ngumsebenzi omde we-fap .. Andizange ndibenentombi yokwenyani, kwaye ndiseyintombi. Kwiminyaka ye-22 ndafunyaniswa ndine-schizotypal personality disorder. Ukuxhalaba kwam kwakungaphezu kwayo nayiphi na ingcamango, intliziyo yam yaqala ngokubetha.
Kwaye izandla zam zihlala zishukuma xa iimvakalelo ziphuma. Ukuthetha nabantu esingabaziyo bekusoloko kundoyikisa kwaye ngokusisiseko ndiyichithe yonke le minyaka ndibukele nje ndihlala, kwi catharsis.
Ndiwalahlile amantombazana amaninzi ngenxa yoxinzelelo kwaye xa bephulukene nomdla kum, ngesizathu esingaqhelekanga, bendihlala ndiziva ndibhetele kwaye ilizwi lathi kum: “Uyabona? Akakuthandi nyani. Ungomnye njengaye, kuya kufuneka wonwabe ukuba umalile ". Konke oku kude kube malunga neenyanga ezintathu ezidlulileyo ..
Ngethuba lokuqala ebomini bam ndandithanda kakhulu intombazana. Wayemhle kakhulu, ehlala endincumela kwaye wazama iinyanga ukundenza ndiqonde uyandithanda .. kodwa ndandingulomntu bendihleli ndineminyaka eli-12 .. akukho mntu unokutshintsha ngokukhawuleza, nokuba iimvakalelo zam bezinjalo Ukuziphatha kwam okwenyani (ngelishwa) bekufana. Ke emva kweenyanga ezi-5 wanyamalala…
Ndibheja wayecinga ukuba andinamdla kwaye washiya nje. Xa ndilahlekile ndamqonda ngokwenyani, njengombane, ukuba ndimkhumbula ngaphezu kwayo yonke into, uyile ntombazana uyifumana kanye ebomini. Ndalila iintsuku .. Ndacinga bonke ubomi bam, inkohliso yam, uloyiko lwam, ukungaphumeleli kwam esikolweni .. Ndandiqinisekile ukuba ekuphela kwendlela yokuphuma yayikukufa kuba ndandingaboni kukhanya ebumnyameni.
Kodwa ndibulela i-TEDx nale ndawo, bendiqonda ukuba yintoni ingxaki yam .. bendihlala ndiziva ndinekratshi ngesiqu sam ngesizathu sokuba ndingaze ndisebenzise iziyobisi okanye utywala kwaye ngoku ndiyaqonda ukuba ndandifana nabantu endihlala ndibahlekisa. Ke ndiye ndaqala ukuba nengqumbo ngokuphulula amalungu esini, ndiyayigxeka njengowona mthombo wazo zonke iingxaki zam..kukuba kwakulula ngam ukuba ndiyeke ukufota.
Iinyanga ezi-2 ngoku. Namhlanje ndiwele entliziyweni yam ngokungathi "igqunyiwe" ngolunye uhlobo lokhuseleko ukuze ndingabi nakubetha, nokuba kukho into endoyikisayo okanye ndinemincili. Izandla zam ngamanye amaxesha zishukuma kancinci xa ndingenakukwazi ukulawula iimvakalelo zam, ndicinga ukuba ifuna ixesha (kunye namava).
Kodwa eyona nto inomtsalane kukuba ngoku ndifuna "lowo" unxibelelwano .. Ndivakalisa iimvakalelo zam. Ndihleke kakhulu. Ndingahlala etafileni ndincokole ngaphandle kwentloni. Ndiyakwazi ukuhamba ngokufanelekileyo (ewe ngesizathu esinye andikwazi nokuhamba ngendlela elungileyo), iinyawo zam zime njengamatye emhlabeni.
Ndiyakwazi ukuthetha nabantu ongabazi bebajonga ngamehlo kwaye beba krwada okanye bekhohlakele ngaphandle kwentloni ngenxa yesizathu esithile esothusayo. Xa ndithetha namantombazana ndiziva ngathi ndingabancama ngokulula okanye (ukuba bayabuza) ukuba babelane ngesondo. Ndicinga kakhulu ngepenisi kunye nokuncinci ngeBongo (kwaye ndiyayithanda).
Ngethuba lokuqala ebomini bam ndibona ukukhanya. Ngethuba lokuqala ndikholelwa into ethile: "Andiyi kuphinda ndiphinde ndiphinde."
Enkosi uthando lwam olulahlekileyo. Ngamanye amaxesha ukuze ndizive ngcono ndiyathanda ukucinga ukuba yayiyingelosi nje ezokunceda lo mntu uhlwempuzekileyo. Ndiyakuthanda.
LINK - Ndayeka njani ukufota ngokulula emva kweminyaka eyi-12. Ibali lam elifutshane elibuhlungu.
by I-TheEye33
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