Ibali lam: This is my first time joining a forum that deals with pornography addiction. This is also my first time posting anything about my addiction anywhere so here it goes. I’m 32 years old, married with two small daughters. My first exposure to porn was around 5 or 6 years old thanks to my step father and his brothers. I wanted to watch Ghostbusters which my uncle said he had recorded on video. The movie however was sandwiched between some other odd movies that seemed bizarre to a 5 year old mind.
In the past you had to fast forward the VHS tape while the images were on screen in order to know where you wanted to go. I remember seeing naked men and ladies all over each other. The ladies were putting the mens penises in their mouths, which seemed super gross to me. Then the men would, as far as I could tell, pee on the ladies faces. I was dumbfounded and asked the men in the room “is that man peeing on that lady?” to which I got a swift “shut the hell up!”
I had figured out that this must be whats called “the nasty”. I also remember seeing naked lady pictures in the janitors room of some of my step fathers friends. When I would look I was promptly told to stare at the floor. My own mother had the habit of walking around in the nude during my childhood and even up to my teenage years. What a woman looked like in the nude, and even some details about sex, were no mystery to me by the time puberty hit.
At twelve years old was when I began to masturbate to porn. I was curious and growing ever horny like any other kid that age, but because I knew that porn existed I felt like the best way to experience sex at my age was with porn. It started with watching the scrambled pay per view channels on my TV when home alone. Sure I couldn’t see what was going on, but all the female moaning was enough to send my 12 year old mind sky rocketing.
After a while though the sounds just didn’t do it for me. I needed to see the real deal. I don’t know what it was, but one day while home alone I searched my apartment like an FBI agent, just knowing deep down that my step father has to have a porn tape of his own. Sure enough I found it, a true blue hard core porn movie. Seeing all the no holds barred penetration and body parts was jarring at first. I held one eye open while watching it, partially disgusted and aroused at the same time.
Long story short, the arrival of the internet in my home was like winning a lifetime supply of trees that grow money. During my teenage years and some of my early twenties I didn’t see my porn use as an issue. I mean at the time porn was just one of the vices that my friends and I had. I was on a fast track to becoming another statistical black male, either dead or in jail. I mean my parents were divorced, my mother ended up addicted to crack, my step father was a crack addict. My mother eventually broke free of crack addiction by the time I was 12, but the damage was done and my step father never broke his habit but still lived with us. I drank alcohol, and smoked weed. I hung out with drug dealers, hustlers, pimps, murderers, thieves, gang bangers. I worried my mother to no end, this is why I say I saw porn as the least of my issues.
It wasn’t until I gave my life to Jesus after spending a weekend in prison that I began to see how big a problem porn was for me. Fast forward to the present, after many failed attempts to give up porn I decided to give it a go again in Feb and have been abstaining ever since. Here is what 8 months feels like for me. The urges that once felt like a moose I couldn’t get out my house now feel like small roaches I can squish. This doesn’t mean things are easy, while I’m strong enough to fight the roaches I now feel like my house is infested with them. Like no matter how many I kill, ten thousand more return. Its no longer an issue of weakness against the urges, but endurance. I once thought that normal was having the power to fight my cravings, but now I feel like I’m locked in perpetual battle with myself. And this battle is absorbing everything in my life. Will the war ever be over? Will I ever be able to lay my weapons down and go home to a free life?
Qhagamshela ukuthumela - 8 months of no PMO, can I ever stop fighting?
ONE YEAR:
I never thought I would get this far but I’ve gone 1 year without wrestling the cyclops. Last I time I did that I was 11 years old.
The reason I didn’t type PMO is because I had a set back last October where I looked at some porn comics. I don’t make a big deal out of it because I still feel like I’ve made tremendous progress. So here are some things I’ve noticed that have changed.
- No more ED. My wife said that she noticed that I had no problem getting hard and keeping it hard during sex now. I also don’t ejaculate too soon or too late anymore.
- I chase her. I also notice that I actually initiate sex more often than before. However, I also don’t hound her for sex either. I know that sounds strange but sex is more organic now. I have this attitude where I feel like I can live without it. There isn’t this yearning burning feeling where I feel like if she doesn’t give it to me I’ll have to get it somewhere else.
- No more trigger panics. I used to get so worked up if I was in the supermarket and a chick who was heavy up top or juicy in the bottom walked in front of me. I felt like the world was out to get me and that I would have to stay indoors forever. Yeah I’m totally cool now. Cant pinpoint when it happened but at some point I just stopped caring. Big boobs, pretty face, so what.
- I crave porn like I crave cake. Which is to say my cravings are manageable. They still hit but not as nearly as the unstoppable force they used to be. With a little prayer and determination I can say no to my cravings like I say no to that last slice of cake.
I probably have more improvements I can’t think of right now but feel free to ask questions.
Question: How bad was your ED?
That’s difficult for me to answer because during the time I didn’t realize that I had ED or was willing to admit it. I blamed any erectile problems on my wife because I thought if only she would perform like a porn star I wouldn’t have these problems. I asked her what difference did she notice in me during sex since I felt she would be more honest about what was happening than I could be. She reported that it was difficult for me to get hard sometimes and when I did I would lose it about half way through. Sometimes I would ejaculate too early or wouldn’t ejaculate at all. I do remember losing interest in having sex with her because she couldn’t stack up against the women of the web. I hope that answers your question.
The following is not part of his reboot story, but nonetheless interesting.
Why internet porn addiction is worse than drug or alcohol addiction
Eli tyala lenziwe ngaphambili kwiintlanganiso zesenethi nakwiiforamu zamaKristu kwaye zihlala zidityaniswa njengeyona ndlela yothusayo. Ingxoxo ephambili endiyivileyo malunga nokuba kutheni i-intanethi ibi kakhulu kuneziyobisi kunye notywala kukuba ngokungafaniyo nezinto ezinokuhlanjululwa emzimbeni wakho, imifanekiso engamanyala ayishiyi ingqondo yakho. Nangona kunjalo, ndiyakholelwa ukuba i-intanethi ye-intanethi imbi kakhulu ngenxa yezizathu ezingcono kunokuba "ikunika iinkumbulo ezimbi". Ke ngaphandle kokuqhubela phambili ezinye zezi zizathu zam zokuba ndicinga ukuba i-intanethi ibi kakhulu kunamachiza okanye utywala.
1. TOTAL ANONYMITY. When a drug addict gets hit with an unstoppable craving there are several things he must do to get his fix that the internet porn addict doesn’t have to do. The drug addict must actually leave his residence and purchase his drugs or alcohol from a seller. This means that in order to get his fix somebody has to see him going for it in public. There’s a risk of public exposure that the alcoholic and drug addict face that the internet porn addict does not. Notice I said internet porn addict. Porn on VHS or DVD or in magazines isn’t the same as todays porn because you still had to go out into the public and buy it. When the addict is ready to kick his habit, the shameful march to the dealer, the risk of public exposure becomes a safeguard. Even buying porn with a credit card has a risk of public exposure that todays internet porn just doesn’t have.
2. IMALI. Ukuthetha ngokuthenga, umkhwa wakho umbi kakhulu njengoko umvuzo wakho ulungile xa kuziwa kwiziyobisi okanye utywala. Kwiimeko ezigqithileyo amakhoboka eziyobisi aziwa ngokuthengisa iintsapho zawo ebukhobokeni ukuze nje afumane loo nto. I-intanethi ye-intanethi kodwa i-100% ikhululekile. Ngokuqinisekileyo kukho iindawo ezithile ezihlawulwayo phaya, kodwa ngazo zonke iisayithi zeetyhubhu kunye nemilambo kuphela idiot eya kuhlawula imali yokubukela iphonografi kwezi ntsuku. Abanye bethu banokuziva ngathi sinokuzibamba ngakumbi kwimikhwa yethu kunakwikhoboka leziyobisi kuba asenzi zenzo zolwaphulo-mthetho ukuze silunge. Kodwa, khawufane ucinge ukuba ngaba urhulumente wenze amanyala ngokungekho mthethweni, kwaye wagxotha yonke iphonografi kwi-intanethi. Bangaphi kuthi abanokuthengisa oomama ifanitshala ukuze babone indawo enye kuphela xa unqwenela ukuba uthi hayi kukubetha?
3. I-ACCES. Ayisiyo kuphela ukuba likhoboka leziyobisi okanye elinxilisayo ekufuneka libubone ubuso ngobuso ukuze lilungiswe, linenani eliqingqiweyo labathengisi. Uhlala eqhekeza amapolisa, okanye ukuhambisa iilori kude ne-huffing glue, okanye ukusela i-bath bath. Umlutha we-intanethi kodwa unonikezelo olungenamkhawulo lweziyobisi ezikhethiweyo ngenxa yobume be-intanethi ngokwayo. I-intanethi ye-intanethi ayithengisi ngaphandle, ayifuni i-ID (ukujonga u-ewe okanye cha ukuba uneminyaka engaphezu kwe-18 ihlaya), kwaye akufuneki uhambe endlwini ukuze uyifumane. Ngokungafaniyo nomlutha we-meth, i-intanethi ikhoboka umthengisi weziyobisi uhlala endlwini yakhe kwaye unonikezelo olungenamda, lwasimahla lweziyobisi, oh kwaye akabonakali. Kwaye uyazibuza ukuba kutheni uhlala ubuyela umva.
4. NO SMELL. While the stench of unwashed genitals may permeate the room of an internet porn addict that stench isn’t always an indicator of porn use. Alcoholics, certain drug users, even cigarette smokers substance gives off a distinct smell that is undeniably from their product. Which means that to get their hit without anyone noticing they have either do it with other addicts of their ilk or climb under a bridge or something. Internet porn addicts can abuse their drug in the comfort of their homes without worrying about it telling on them with a smell. You may feel like you go through great trouble to hide your porn use. But, the difference is that when you’re done you don’t have to pop a mint, spray air freshener, or wash the stench of porn off your clothes. There is no scent that internet porn use gives off that lets people know without a shadow of a doubt that you fell off the wagon again. How many of us have cycled through internet porn on our smartphones while our wives or girlfriends lie right next to us in bed, oblivious to what we were doing. Thats a luxury the drug and alcohol addict will never have.
5. NO PHYSIOLOGICAL TRACES. Now I know some of you who suffer from porn induced ED may be screaming “off with his head! ” at this point but hear me out. Unlike drugs and alcohol, porn cannot be found in your blood or urine. Whereas the drug and alcohol abuser has a fear of losing his job or car due to his habit, the internet porn user, unless he’s actually caught watching it during work hours, never has to worry about this. Erratic driving can be caused by any number of reasons. The driver may be tired, or fist fighting his passenger, or trying to text while driving. But, when the police pull him over, test him, and see he has a BAC over the legal limit the buck stops. You may suffer from porn induced ED, but tell me what test can your doctor conduct where he’ll come back and say “well son it looks like you have porn in your body”. Absolutely none. Imagine what your life would be like if porn could be traced in your urine or on your breath.
6. AKUKHO BONAKABI. Asingabo bonke abantu abaxhaphaza iziyobisi notywala abajongeka njengabaxhaphazi beziyobisi. Kodwa ukuba umdala oneminyaka engama-26 ubudala kunye namazinyo angekhoyo kunye namehlo atshonile ukuxelele ukuba wayengumlutha we-meth, amathuba awuyi kumangaliswa. Ukusetyenziswa kwexesha elide kweziyobisi notywala kuyaziwa ukutshintsha indlela umsebenzisi ajongeka ngayo. Bangaphi ookumkanikazi bethembisayo ababethe izihlwitha ozibonileyo ezothusayo ngendlela ezibi ngayo xa kuthelekiswa nendlela ababejongeka ngayo. Ngoku cinga malunga nokuba bangaphi abasebenzisi be-intanethi abanendaba efanayo. Ngaba unokukhetha umsebenzisi we-intanethi kwisihlwele? Ukuba nokubonakala kwakho okuhle kubiwe kuwe yenye indlela yokukhusela umsebenzisi weziyobisi ukuba amncede akhabe umkhwa wakhe ongasebenzisiyo kwi-intanethi.
7. Uloyiko lokufa ngenxa yokutya. Ngokungafaniyo neziyobisi okanye iziyobisi, ungazinkcinkca kwi-intanethi kwiintliziyo zakho kwaye ungaze ube nexhala lokufa ngenxa yokugqithisa. Ndiyathetha ukuba umntu osela amanzi amaninzi uya kufa ngokukhawuleza kunomlutha woononophala kuyo yonke imini. Ukwesaba ukufa kuyisikhuthazo esihle kakhulu sokukhaba umkhwa wokuba umntu osebenzisa iziyobisi kunye notywala angenakho ukuba nomsebenzisi we-porn. Ngokuqinisekileyo abanye baye bazibulala okanye abanye basweleke kwiingozi zemoto ekubukeni iphonografi xa beqhuba, kodwa ezo zizizathu ezingaphaya ezingqalileyo zokufa. Akukho mntu uya kuze athi “hee ubulapha malunga noJohnny? Usweleke ekubukeni amantombazana amaninzi ancancisayo kwikhompyuter yakhe. Lihlazo elinje ”.
8. NO ONE KNOWS YOUR HIGH. Its been said that the dopamine rush you get from internet porn is comparable to meth or cocain use. But the meth or coke addict has a period of time when he is obviously buzzed from using his drug. Which means that the internet porn user can get almost or as high, and still drive a forklift, teach a class, or have a normal conversation without getting weird looks. Sure you may get depressed or moody, but those can be attributed to any number of things. A drunk man can never claim his drunkeness is due to not getting enough sleep, or because he though about something sad.
So thats all I got. What is the conclusion of all this? Stop being so hard on your self. You are dealing with an addiction that doesn’t have any of the safeguards to stop you from going overboard like drugs or alcohol do. While you can get encouragement from an ex drug addict on how to beat addiction, keep in mind that you are dealing way more than he had to. As internet porn addicts we have to implement these natural safeguards artificially. And even then it’s not the same. So keep fighting, keep trying, and stop thinking so down of yourself.
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