[Le ndoda yayibhaqwe ngamanyala iminyaka engamashumi amabini, kwaye yayiseyintombi enyulu xa yayibhala oku. Kwiinyanga ezintandathu kamva, uhlala nelinye ibhinqa, yaye kutshanje liye labhala indlela elibuxabisa ngayo ubunkokeli obunamandla nobulumko bakhe.]
Ndifumene le ndawo malunga nonyaka odlulileyo. Andiqinisekanga ukuba kutheni ndigqibe kwelokuba ndiyeke ukusebenzisa i-porn. Kwasuka kwathi ngenye imini kwafuneka ndiyeke. Ndandikhe ndazama ukuyeka ngaphambili. Well not ngenene wazama ukuyeka. Ndazama ukuyeka ukutyelela iisayithi ze-porn. Ndinengqokelela enkulu yamanyala. Ndazibona ndonele.
Kulungile lonke ixesha ndizama ukuyeka iisayithi andikwazanga. Bendizohamba iveki mhlawumbi ezimbini. Ndicinga nokuba yinyanga okanye kanye. Ndandisasebenzisa i-porn yam egciniweyo kunye neengcamango ezininzi ngelo xesha lokuzama ukuyeka ukutyelela iisayithi ze-porn.
Ndandisoloko ndisebenzisa ifantasy. Kodwa ngoku bendiyidinga loo nto, into endiyaziyo ngoku izinto ezintsha, ukuba into eyongezelelweyo. Ndandifuna okungakumbi. Andizange ndiyibone ngokwenene ngelo xesha. “Ndandiyazi” kodwa andizange ndiyicinge ncam ngayo. Ingqondo yam yayisoloko ilambele ngakumbi. Ndingacofa imifanekiso kwiziza ngokungapheliyo kangangeeyure ndizama ukufumana loo mfanekiso ugqibeleleyo. Andizange ndiyifumane, kodwa yayingabangelwa kukungazami. Bendihamba ndide ndingakwazi ukuzibamba. Ngamanye amaxesha kuya kuba yi-orgasm enye. Ngamanye amaxesha ndandiye emva kweeyure ndijonge kwaye ndizibambe ndiye kwiindawo ezininzi. Ndifumene i-dopamine ephezulu kakhulu kwaye emva koko ndawa nzima kakhulu. Ukuba nolu tyando lwe-dopamine iiyure kunye neeyure kuya kubangela umnqweno onzulu we-orgasm ixesha elininzi emva kokunikezela.
Emva koko, ndagqiba ekubeni ndihambe ngaphandle ikhona amanyala. Ndenze usuku okanye ngoko ndicinga. Emva koko emva kokunikezela kwi-masturbation kunye ne-orgasm (usebenzisa i-fantasy) ndabuyela ekufuneni loo manyala aphezulu kwakhona. Ndaqonda ke ukuba ndinengxaki. Ndaqonda ukuba kufuneka ndizame ukuyiyeka yonke loo nto. Andiqinisekanga ukuba ndazi njani. Ndandisazi nje. Ndavuka nje emva kwayo yonke le nto ngenye imini ndagqiba kwelokuba ndiza kuhamba ngaphandle kwe-masturbation okanye i-porn. Okumangalisayo kukuba, ndiyenzile iintsuku ze-7 kumzamo wokuqala.
Ndenze izilingo ezimbalwa kwezo nyanga zimbalwa zokuqala. Ndenze KULUNGILE ngokwenene. Andizange ndicinge ngolo hlobo ngelo xesha, kodwa xa ndikhangela emva ndandilindele lukhulu kungekudala. Andizange ndiqonde ukuba mkhulu kangakanani umsebenzi nomgudu ophambi kwam. Ukungoyiki nabani na ozama ukuyeka iphonografi. Inokwenziwa. Kuthatha nje ukusebenza nzima kunye nokuzimisela. Kuyafaneleka.
Buyela kwibali lam. Ngenye imini ndaphulukana nolawulo kwaye andizange ndibuyele kule ndawo kangangeenyanga. Iposti yam yokugqibela yayivakala kakuhle. Kulusizi kwaye kuyoyikisa ukujonga emva kweso sithuba. Kodwa kukho into ethi qatha engqondweni yam. Ndahamba ndikhangela into. Ndifumene i-domination hypnosis. Ndawela ngakumbi kubukhoboka bam. Andizange ndicinge ukuba inokwenzeka loo nto. Kwakunjalo. Kwakubi kakhulu kwiinyanga ezimbalwa.
Ekugqibeleni ndahlukana ne-hypnosis, kodwa kungekhona de ndazifumana hlawula ukuba ingqondo yam ifakwe kwi-hypnosis ukuze isabele ngokwesondo kwiimpawu ezithile endizinikwe phantsi kwe-hypnosis.
Andazi ukuba njani, kodwa ndaya ngqo kwigumbi lokuncokola ndithetha ne-hypnodomme kunye nabanye abafana apho ukuze bangene apha. Andizange ndibuyele kwindawo ye-hypno. Ndinebhongo kakhulu ngaloo nto. Ndiya kuvuma kwiingcamango zokubuyela emva kwaye ndichaze apho ndiye khona kwaye kutheni.
Ngokubhekiselele ekusebenziseni i-porn kwakhona ukusukela ngoko, ndiyenzile loo nto. Ndiye ndaphulukana nolawulo izihlandlo ezininzi kwezi nyanga zimbalwa zizayo emva kokubuyela apha. Ndaqhubeka ke noko. Ngayo yonke inkxaso evela kwisiza ndikwazile ukomelela. Kwaba lula ngakumbi njengoko ndandihlala ndixhathisa. Ndandinoncedo oluninzi endleleni. Ngendingazange ndifikelele apho ndikhoyo ngaphandle kwesi siza. Ngendingasondeli nokuphilisa ngaphandle kwabantu balapha. Ngendibe ndisabambekile kubunzulu bomlutha wam. Andizange ndiyiqonde into endijongene nayo de ndifumane le ndawo.
Kubuhlungu ukubona ukuba ungakanani umonakalo endiwenzileyo ebomini bam ngephonografi, ukuphulula amalungu esini, i-orgasm kunye nefantasy. Ndiyaphila ngoku kodwa. Ndikhangele phambili kwimini apho ubomi bam buya kuba bulungelelene ngakumbi. Ndinje ngeentsuku ze-80 ngaphandle kokubukela i-porn. Andizange ndicinge ukuba ndingahamba ixesha elide kangako kwiinyanga nje ezimbalwa ezidlulileyo. Ndandisentlungwini kwaye ndingcungcuthekiswa kukurhoxa kwi-porn kunye ne-orgasm. Kwakubi nje. Sekulithuba ndingenamali ngoku. Ndineentsuku ezingama-28 ngaphandle kwe-orgasm okanye i-masturbation. Ndine-orgasms ezi-5 kuphela kwiintsuku ezingama-80 ezidlulileyo okanye kunjalo. Kwakhona, andizange ndicinge ukuba ndingenza into enjalo. Ndihambe intsuku ezininzi ndingenayo. Ndandikwinqanaba apho ngaphambi koku ndiza kuba ngaphezulu kwe-5 ngosuku ngezinye iintsuku, ngeentsuku ezininzi ngokwenene. Ndiziva ngathi ndigqithile kuloo nto.
Ndiyakuthi kwakhona iminqweno yam kunye neminqweno yam iphantsi kakhulu. Kunqabile kakhulu kubo ukuba bafikelele ku-5 okanye ngcono ku-10. Amaxesha amaninzi iba sisi-2 okanye isi-3, kwaye sendiqalile nokubanexesha apho babeno-0. Andikho apho kufutshane khona, kodwa ndicacile kakhulu. ngcono. Kulula kakhulu. Ndiye ndafunda kule sayithi ukuba ndiziqaphele kakhulu. Ukungavumeli ukuba impumelelo iye entlokweni yam (nokuba enye :-)). Kufuneka ndilumke kwaye ndisoloko ndijonge iingcinga zengqondo ekhobokileyo. Andisayoyiki injalo. Ndiyazazi nje iingcinga xa zivela. Ndakhe ndachitha ixesha ndisoyika ezongcinga. Ndandifuna ukubabaleka. Ngoku ndingcono kakhulu ukuba ndingabahoyi xa bevela. Ukungabamkeli, kodwa ukwamkela ukuba bakhona kwaye bangabahoyi nje, ngaphandle koloyiko. Uloyiko lunokwandisa iingcinga ezikhobokileyo. Kunzima ukoyisa olo loyiko. Ingenziwa nangona kunjalo.
Andikude ngokwaneleyo ukuba ndingabizwa ngokuba ndiphilisiwe kulo mkhwa. Andiqinisekanga ukuba wonke umntu uyadlula kwiziyobisi. Ungayibetha nangona. Ungaphumelela ukulawula ubomi bakho emva kokuba likhoboka. Kunzima kwaye ndifunda ukuba ujongana nayo yonke imihla. Iba lula nangona kunjalo. Kuye kwaba lula. Ndiqinisekile ukuba kuya kuba lula njengoko ixesha lihamba. Ndiyazi ukuba kuya kuba lula. Kuhlala kukho ithuba lokuphinda ubuyele okanye izinto ezikwenza ukuba uhambe.
Ndifunde into enye. Ungaze uncame. Nokuba unokuphinda ubuyele funda kuyo kwaye uqhubeke nokuxhathisa. Yixhathise kangangoko unako. Obo buchule bokumelana buya kwanda kwaye bomelele ngokuhamba kwexesha. Ungaze unikezele okanye uzincame. Ngalo lonke ixesha usenza oko uya kuba ulungile. Ndiyazi ukuba kunzima kangakanani kwaye kubuhlungu kangakanani ngamanye amaxesha. Kubuhlungu kakhulu. Njengoko ndandithanda ukuthetha, ngamanye amaxesha iyandikhathaza. Iyenza ngokwenene. Akukho ndlela yakujikeleza. Kufanelekile konke nangona kunjalo.
Ndifunde lukhulu ngam. Ngoku ndiqhubela phambili ubomi bam. Ndiphuma ngakumbi kwaye ndidibana nabantu. Ndizibandakanye neToastmasters ukuzama ukuzifumana kwezinye izinto ezindikhathazayo. Ndandingasoze ndiyenze loo nto ndisabanjwe ngulo mkhwa. Ndibuyela esikolweni. Andiqinisekanga ukuba oko kuya kukhokelela phi kodwa ndiyazi ukuba iya kuba yindawo engcono kunokuba bendiyiyo.
Ndiyabulawula ubomi bam emva. Kuvakala kamnandi. Nokuba andizenzi izinto “ezinkulu”. Ndinokuzingca ngento endiyenzileyo ukuze ndihlukane nalo mkhwa. Ndingazingca ngokuphinda ndilawule ubomi bam. Ndingavuya. Inokuba andikabikho ngokupheleleyo okwangoku kodwa ndiyakubona oko kukhanya ekupheleni kwetonela ngoku.
Kwiinyanga kamva
Andizange ndithumele ingeniso yeblogi kwiinyanga. Ndineenguqu ezininzi ukususela ekungeneni kwam kokugqibela kwibhlog yam. Ndicinga ukuba ndiza kuxhuma kwizinto ezimbalwa ngokukhawuleza.
Ndibona amagama amaninzi amatsha kwindawo ngoku. Ndibona abambalwa endibaziyo nam. Kwabo banyamezele ukuncwina kwam nokuphelelwa lithemba bemana ukundityhala enkosi. Zonke iintlungu zam kunye nokulwa nokulutha kwam kunye nokuphazamiseka kwengqondo kwenze umtsi omkhulu phambili. Ukufunda ukujongana ne-porn addiction kunye ne-masturbation addiction kwandivumela ukuba ndifumane umntu ebomini bam. Ewe ndithandana nomntu obhinqileyo omangalisayo.
Kwabo bafunda iiblogi zam banokukhumbula indlela endizibethe ngayo ngenxa yeziyobisi kwaye ndingazange ndibe nomhlobo oyintombazana nokuba yintombi enyulu eneminyaka engama-37. Andisabiyintombi ngoku. Mna neqabane lam sizama ukuziqhelanisa karezza. Ukuza kuthi ga ngoku Ndicinga ukuba siqhuba kakuhle ngayo. Kuya kuba lula ukuba ungacingi nge-Orgasm njengenjongo. Ndiyayibona ifikelela kwelo nqanaba ngoku emva kwale veki. Ndicinga ukuba iyaqondakala into yokuba bendinobunzima kuloo nto ekuqaleni u-Smiling. Le veki ibingcono kakhulu. Iseshoni ehlala iiyure ezimbalwa kwaye iphele ngokungafuni i-O yayingamava amangalisayo. Ngokwenyani ndineseshini ezininzi ezinde ngaphandle kwe-O kwaye iziva ilungile kwaye imo kunye neemvakalelo zihlala kum / nathi. Ndicinga ukuba yile nto okwangoku. Ndiza kuzama ukuthumela okunye malunga namava ethu noKarezza kamva.
Kwicala lomlutha. Andinayo i-O eyedwa malunga neentsuku ezingama-78. Andiboni ukuba nayo nayiphi na ixesha kwixesha elizayo. Kwakhona i-porn ayikho emfanekisweni kwaye akukho nzima ukuhlala kude ngoku. Andisayi kuphinda ndiyicinge ngakumbi ukuba kunjalo. Kuphela ixesha ngokwenene ukufunda apha ngayo okanye ukuva izinto emsebenzini (akukho ndlela ayisayi kuza isebenza malunga neqela labafana ndicinga ukuba). Ke ndiye ndajonga i-porn amaxesha angama-6 malunga neenyanga ezili-10 kunye nesiqingatha kwaye lilonke elingaphantsi kweeyure ze-2 ngelo xesha. Ndiziva ngakumbi namhlanje njengomntu ongayiboni i-porn kunokuba umlutha we-porn ongayibukeliyo. Kuvakala njengomahluko omncinci kodwa ngokwenene linyathelo elikhulu ekophuleni umlutha. Ke andisazicingeli njengekhoboka lephonografi kwaye okwangoku andinamnqweno wokuyijonga. Ukuphulula amalungu esini kukukhohlisa ngakumbi. Andinayo ingxaki yokuphulula amalungu esini kodwa ndifumana iminqweno kunye neminqweno yokwenza njalo. Ukubambana okuninzi kunye nokubamba zonke iintlobo kuyanceda kuloo nto. I-Orgasm inzima kakhulu. Ndayilungisa ingqondo yam ukuba ndiyifune kakhulu i-O. Ngoko xa umdla wesondo uqala kusengumnqweno onamandla kakhulu ekuqaleni. Isidingo sika-O siya sincipha ngoku kodwa sisenamandla. Umnqweno uya usiba lula ukujongana nokuba siziqhelanisa neKarezza. Kwakhona ndiza kuzama ukubhloga kuyo ngakumbi kungekudala.
Enkosi ngokundinceda ndikwazi ukoyisa ubukhoboka bam kwaye ndiqale ukufunda indlela yokujongana nokuxhoma kwam ngengqondo. Iseyinde indlela endizayihamba nokuphazamiseka kwam engqondweni kodwa iqabane lam lindinceda kakhulu kulonto. Ndimkhankanye indlela amhle ngayo umntu ? Ndicinga ukuba ndingomnye wabona bafana banethamsanqa abaphilayo. Khange ndicinge ukuba ndingafumana umntu ondifanela ngolu hlobo. Sidibanisa kwizinto ezininzi kunye namanqanaba ayamangalisa. Ewe akaphambani malunga neemuvi ezininzi kwaye akayithandi enye i-rock enzima endiyimamelayo kodwa ndiya kumvumela ukuba atyibilike kwezo zinto zimbini. Silunge kakhulu omnye komnye. Siphila kunye kwaye siyaxhasana ngokhetho oluninzi olusempilweni kangangoko sinakho. Inkalo nje enye yokwenza umzekelo kukutya okunempilo. Ndiyazi ukuba ndathetha ngokutya kwiblogi yam ngaphambili kwaye abanye abaninzi baye bathetha malunga nokunyanzeliswa okudityaniswa kunye. Ukutya okulungileyo ndisakholelwa ukuba yenye yezona zinto zilungileyo zokunceda umlutha. Akusoloko kulula ukwenza kwaye kunokucaphukisa ngamanye amaxesha. Kwindawo esikuyo sityelele malunga ne-4 okanye i-5 yeevenkile ezahlukeneyo kwindawo ukuze sifumane imveliso yendalo esiyidingayo. Andikhathali nokuba umntu uthini malunga nokutya kwe-organic okanye hayi. Ndiyazi ukuba ndiziva ngcono kangakanani ngokutya kwam okutsha kwaye ndiyakwazi ukubona umahluko kwaye ndicinge ukuba kuwufanele umzamo kunye neendleko zokuqhubeka nokutya ngale ndlela ndiyiyo ngoku.
Into yokugqibela okwangoku. Ndibe kulo lonke ilizwe kwiinyanga ezidlulileyo ze-6 okanye kunjalo. Ukwenza uhambo oluncinci kakhulu ngaphambi kwalo nyaka lutshintsho olukhulu. Bendikwiholide ezi-3 ukuza kuthi ga ngoku kwaye ndicwangcise kwenye phambi kokuphela konyaka. Ndiziva ndibambekile kancinci kunokuba ndenze kwiinyanga ezi-6 ezidlulileyo.
Kuninzi ebomini bam okutshintshileyo oko ndifikile kwi-1 kunye nesiqingatha seminyaka eyadlulayo. Ukuvuka ngolunye usuku kwaye ndithathe isigqibo sokuba ndifuna ukuyeka i-porn kunye ne-masturbation kwaye ndingazi ngokwenene ukuba kutheni ndifuna. Ndandisazi nje ukuba ndiyafuna kwaye kufuneka. Inde indlela kodwa ngendlela engaqhelekanga ndicinga ukuba ndilungile ngalo lonke uhambo nditsho nezinto endinokuthi zimbi. Kwakhona ndisenezinto endisebenza kuzo kwaye ndisaphethwe yi-social phobia kodwa ndiza kudlula naleyo.
Kwiminyaka emi-4 kamva
[Basekunye kwaye bafudukele kwindawo entsha.]
by Umcebisi