Molweni bantu,
Eli izakuba libali elide. Ndithe ndisandongena kuFacebook ndabona kungena iReddit, ndacinga yho hay andikabikho xesha lide ndigqibo kroba apha. Ndiyicimile iakhawunti yam kuba ukusukela nge-13 ka-Okthobha, ndiyazi ukuba ndicocekile ubomi kwaye emva kwexeshana kule streak, ndaye ndagqiba kwelokuba ndiyenziwe ngeReddit kunye neNoFap / PornFree. Ndandisele ndihambile kwi-NoFap kwaye ndaye ndagqiba ekubeni ndivakalelwa kukuba ukutyelela apha kunento eninzi yokwenza nokuhlala emzabalazweni kwaye kufuneka ndithathe ixesha elithile kwi-Reddit kunye ne-intanethi ngokubanzi.
Kulungile, nantsi ke. Isishwankathelo esifutshane sobomi bam kuqala. Ukukhula kwam de ndaneminyaka eli-12 ubudala, ubomi bam babuphila kamnandi. Ndandingumntwana owonwabileyo. Emva koko abazali bam baqhawula umtshato, ubuhlobo notata, obusondelelene kakhulu ngaphambili, buphantse banyamalala nangona wayesaphila. Ndaqala ukubukela iphonografi kwaye ndaqala ukwenza i-masturbating ndineminyaka eyi-12-13 kwaye ngokukhawuleza, umama wafumanisa, kwaye WAPHUMA. Wandenza ndaziva ndineentloni ngendlela emangalisayo ngokujonga imifanekiso enqunu yabasetyhini, ndaye ndaneentloni ngoko nangoko ngokuba neentlobano zesini.
Nangona mhlawumbi ukumamela umama bekuya kuba licebo elihlakaniphile kwaye ndiyeke ukubukela iphonografi kuya kuba licebo elingcono, mna, ngokuqinisekileyo, umntwana omncinci endinguye, andizange ndifumane nawaphi na amantombazana ahamba ze kwaye ndandifuna ukubukela abafazi benqunu ukuba bathi. ngendlela efanelekileyo. Ndicinga ukuba niyayazi lento ndithetha ngayo haha.
Phambili, ndahlala ndibukele i-porn. Andizange ndithande izinto ezingaqhelekanga kakhulu, kodwa bendinemiba ehlazo kakhulu malunga nokuba nesondo. Kangangokuba ndandingakwazi nokuthetha nentombazana ndisanxilile xa ndandinomdla kuyo. Ngelixa ndandingumntwana othembekileyo ngokubanzi kwaye ndingumntwana opholileyo kwisikolo sam esiphakathi (isikolo esiphakamileyo e-USA). Ndandingeyonkwenkwezi kodwa ndandithandwa kakhulu kuba ndingumfana olungele ukuhlala naye kwaye ndiphatha wonke umntu ngentlonipho.
Ndatshaya ukhula oluninzi, ndatshaya icuba, ndasela utywala obuninzi kuba ndandithanda ukuya kwiindawo zentselo nakwiiklabhu. Kulapha kuphela apho ndandinokuzithemba ukuba ndithandane nabasetyhini.
Kwiminyaka embalwa kamva, malunga neminyaka eyi-18, ndandisele ndikulungele ukuya eyunivesithi ukuze ndiqalise isidanga sokuqala kwaye ndandiseyintombi enyulu (ndiseyiyo, kodwa ndiya kuza emva koko). I-OCD yakhaba ngaphakathi. Kwaye ngenxa yokuba bendisoloko ndinemiba nabasetyhini, ndafumana i-HOCD. Uhlobo lwe-OCD apho woyika kakhulu malunga nokuba ungathanga tye (okanye i-gay, ukuba yile nto uqhele ukuchonga ngayo). Kwaye yayingekuko ukuba ndandithanda abantu abathandana nabantu abathandana nabantu abathandana nabo, kwaye ndandinemiba yobufanasini, kodwa uloyiko olungathethekiyo lwalujikeleze eso sifundo.
Emva koko apho malunga neminyaka emibini yesihogo. Ndide ndayifumana iBrain yakho kwiPorn kwaye ndothuswa lulo lonke ulwazi endinokulufumana apho. Kwaye ukufumanisa malunga ne-HOCD. Yayingummangaliso omkhulu lowo. Ekugqibeleni ndaqala ukuqonda ukuba yintoni ingxaki yam. Oko kwakubonakala ngathi ndine-HOCD (ndisebenzisa loo ndlela yokubhala ngenjongo) kwaye andizange ndisokole ngesini sam.
Ndiye ndaqala iNoFap. Ndaye ndaphinda ndaphinda. Amakhulu amaxesha. Ngoba? Mhlawumbi kuba ndandisoyika ukuba ngumntu omdala. Ukuqala ubudlelwane. Ukwenzakala. Ukuhamba kwihlabathi elikhulu eloyikekayo. Ukuze waliwe. Ukujongana noloyiko lwam. Ukwamkela ukuba andinamandla onke kwaye ubomi bunokuba buhle nangona bendihlala kwiqamza ngaphandle kwamaxhala kuba ndifumana lula ebomini.
Ndandineendlela eziqinileyo, kwaye ukuzithemba kwam kwaqala ukwakha. Ndaye ndonwaba ngakumbi. Lost depression. Yaqala ukulwa iingxaki ze-OCD. Ndaqalisa ukuhoya imali yam. Ubudlelwane bam nabahlobo kunye nosapho. Ukuya kwindawo yokuzivocavoca. Ukutya kunye nokuphila kakuhle.
Kwaye okubaluleke kakhulu, ndaqala ukuvuma ukuba ubulili (ngokubanzi) buyinto enhle. Ndayeka i-porn (ubuncinci, ndazama ekuqaleni) kwaye ndaphulula i-masturbated ukuba ndizive nje kwaye mhlawumbi ndicinge kancinci malunga namantombazana endiwaziyo kwaye ndingalala nawo. Ukujongana nje noloyiko oluvela ngexesha lokuphulula amalungu esini kunye nokukhululeka ngakumbi ngokuphulula amalungu esini kunye nokwabelana ngesondo ngokubanzi kwenza imimangaliso yokungabuyeli kwakhona. Ndithetha ukuthi, bendidla ngokuvuka ngokulula emva kwexesha kwaye andikwazi ukumelana naloo nto. Ndaziva ndinesondo kakhulu kwaye ndinamandla kwaye ndifuna ukuphulula amalungu esini. Yiloo nto endandimiselwe ukuba ndiyenze. Ubufuna ukukhulula umthwalo? Vula nje iphonografi kwaye uhambe.
Oku kwaba kuhle kakhulu ukwenza. Kwaye ke ekugqibeleni, ngobusuku be-12 ka-Okthobha, ndaziva ndiphelelwe lithemba kuba ndandiseneengxaki ezininzi. Ndaqalisa ukuthandaza ndaza ndanobusuku obubi. Ubusuku obubi kakhulu ebomini bam kwaye ndaziva ndiphantsi. Khange alivale mehlo ebeqaqanjelwa lizinyo elibolileyo. Andiyi kuthi yayinguThixo, kunjalo, kodwa ngobo busuku into yatshintsha.
Ukusukela ngobo busuku, ndiye ndayeka imifanekiso engamanyala necuba kwaye andikhange ndibenangxaki kwaphela. Ndicinga ukuba ekugqibeleni ndaqonda ukuba ndikwinqanaba eliphantsi kwaye ndenze ngokupheleleyo.
Kwaye ke ndaqala ukujongana noloyiko endinalo. Ukungabuyeli kwi-porn okanye i-cigarette ukukhulula ixhala, kodwa ukujongana noloyiko kunye nokwakha ukuzithemba.
Ukuphulula amaphambili amaxesha ngamaxesha, kodwa ungabinayo i-orgasm ngamaxesha kwaye uzive loo mandla kunye nokuthetha nje nabantu ngelixa uziva ugcwele kakhulu amandla okwabelana ngesondo. Oko kwakumanyumnyezi ekuqaleni kodwa ukujongana nolo loyiko kwandenza ndazithemba ngakumbi.
I-HOCD nayo iphantse yaphela. Ndajongana noloyiko. Ndaqalisa ukunyanga imeko. Ukwamkela ukuba ndibe gay. Ukuba ubulili akuyona into ecacileyo kakhulu, njengoko elinye lamanqaku eyanceda abaninzi ababhalayo. Ukuba ubulili buyinto enempilo kwaye eqhelekileyo kwaye ixhala liya kushiya ukuba awugxininisi kwixhala kodwa kwinto oyenzayo.
Kwaye ngoku, ekugqibeleni ndinesibindi sokutsho ukuba ndiyindoda ezithembileyo nekhulileyo.
Ndiziva ndikhululekile ukuba ndingubani, kunye namanxeba kunye noloyiko lwam, kunye namanqaku am okuzithemba kunye namanqaku anamandla. Ndifunda ukwamkela imiba ebendinayo ngobudlelwane kunye nabasetyhini kwaye ngoku andiboyiki kakhulu abantu basetyhini. Ndizimisele kakhulu ngokufumana umfazi olungileyo, ukuba nomtshato owonwabisayo nokuba ngumzali olungileyo ngenxa yeengxaki endandinazo emva koqhawulo-mtshato lwabazali bam, kodwa ekugqibeleni ndisiya ndikhululeka ngakumbi ngokwesondo. Kodwa andikhathali nokuba ndingazange ndibe nentombi e serious.
Kulungile. Kwaye ndingayithetha loo nto ngokuzithemba nangokukhululeka, ngelixa ndibhale nje ngayo yonke imiba endinayo (kwaye njengoko ubona, oko kwakwanele, nangona ubomi bam bebububi kakhulu kunoko le posi yenza ukuba ibonakale), yenza ukuba ityala eliqinileyo kutheni ekugqibeleni ukuba pornfree kulula.
Ewe ndingathanda ukubona abanye abafazi beze ngoku, kwakhona, bethetha nje ngendlela endilisekileyo. Kodwa ukuziva ngesondo kunye nokufuna ukubona abafazi kunye nokungena kwi-intanethi kwaye ubukele i-porn yinto eyahlukileyo ngokupheleleyo. Ngoku ndiye ndafunda ukuzibamba endikufunayo ukuze ndifezekise into endiyifunayo. Kwaye nangona ndingafezekanga kwaye ndisasokola kwiindawo ezaneleyo, ndiphumelele.
TL:DR: Akunyanzelekanga ukuba uyifunde. Oku ngokuyinxenye kukubhala nje ibali lam apha kuba le ndawo yandinceda kakhulu kwaye ukubhala ngebali lam kuvakala kumnandi. Kwaye ngokuyinxenye kuba ndiyathemba ukuba abantu abasokolayo ngoku banokunxulumana kwaye bazi ukuba kuyakulunga ukuba uyaqhubeka nokusebenza. SUKUNCAMA. Kukho ukukhanya ekupheleni kwetonela kwaye oko kukhanya kukhanyayo, mhlobo wam.
Kundithathe ixesha elide ukuphuma ebumnyameni ndingene ekukhanyeni. Kwaye ngamanye amaxesha ndiye ndibuye umva kancinci ngamanye amaxesha kwaye ndibe namaxesha amabi xa i-flatline yam ingena ngasemva. Kodwa ngokubanzi imo yam iyanda kwaye intle kakhulu.
by vnnwlkr1
UPDATE - Ekugqibeleni wabetha i-HOCD kunye nexhala
Ndine-HOCD enzulu kunye nemicimbi yokuxhalaba ekuhlaleni ixesha elide. Kwiminyaka emininzi, ubomi bam bentlalo (kwaye, kunye nobomi bam obugcweleyo) babusilela kakhulu ngenxa ye-HOCD kunye noxinzelelo lwentlalo. Andinakukunandipha ukwenza abahlobo, ukuhlala nabantu, ukuthetha nabantu. Kwakusisihogo iminyaka emininzi.
Andinakuthetha ukuba izakuhamba ngokufanayo kuwo wonke umntu olapha. Andiyongcali kweli candelo. Kodwa bendisebenza kwi-pornfree / nofap kwiminyaka eyi-2 ngoku. Kulo nyaka uphelileyo, khange ndibukele nakuphi na ukubukela. Ndenza i-masturbate nangona kunjalo (ngoko akukho NoFap apha). Ndiye ndaqala ukuba sempilweni. Zilolonge kakhulu. Funda ngokugqithisileyo. Ndifumene izinto zokuzonwabisa ezintsha kwaye ndonwabela ezakudala ngakumbi. Ndizibeke kwiimeko ezininzi zokungonwabi kwaye ndagcina ukugxila kwinto endiyenzayo, hayi iimvakalelo ezixhalabisayo. Ndizibeka apho yonke imihla ukuze ndibengcono.
Kwaye kule veki, kakhulu, yayiyiveki yokuqala ebomini bam ukuba ndonwabe kakhulu kwiintlanganiso. Ndithethe nabantu abaninzi abahlukeneyo kule veki. Kwaye ndonwabile nganye yazo. Le yeyona veki intle ebomini bam.
Khange ndithenge nto. Khange ndenze manyathelo amakhulu kubomi bam bobuchwephesha. Andikhange ndifumane iindlela zokuzonwabisa ezintsha okanye umdla. Hayi, ndaziva ndiphilile okokuqala kwiminyaka emininzi.
Ndiziva kamnandi. Damn, kuvakala kamnandi ukuyithetha loo nto.
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