Kwaye, ekugqibeleni, ndilapha namhlanje ndigqibezela inyanga yam yokuqala yokuziyeka ngokupheleleyo kwi-PMO. Ngeli xesha, ndiziva umahluko kukuzithemba, amandla, uxolo lwengqondo kunye nozinzo. Intloni zimkile. Obo bumnyama abusekho kum. Ndiyaloyisa ela rhamncwa lihlala lindibulala kunye nentliziyo yam kule minyaka isibhozo idlulileyo. Ndiyanyangeka kubukhoboka. Ingqondo yam iya ichacha ngokuthe ngcembe. Ngoku, ndiza kukuxelela ibali lam kwasekuqaleni…….
Ukususela ebuntwaneni, ndandingumntu othanda ukwazi, okhutheleyo kwaye onomdla. Ndandineprofayile yezemfundo entle kakhulu esikolweni sam. Bendiqhele ukuma kwindawo yokuqala kwibanga ngalinye. Wonke umntu wayendibiza 'njengentshatsheli efundayo.' Abazali bam baneliseke kakhulu zizifundo zam kunye nokusebenza kwam. Ngokuchasene noko, ndandinecala elimnyama lobomi bam elaliqhubeka ngokucothayo nangokuthe ngcembe. Xa ndandikwibanga lesixhenxe/lesibhozo, ndandidla ngokucinga ukuba ndithandana kunye nesondo kunye nomnye wamanenekazi endifunda nawo. Ngelo xesha, ndandimalunga ne-14 leminyaka ubudala. Ebedla ngokunxiba ibhulukhwe encinci esikolweni, ebonakala enomtsalane kum. Ndanditsaleleke kuye. Kodwa, ndandingenasazela sokumcenga okanye into enjalo. Oku kungenxa yokuba, andizange ndifune ukuphazamisa isifundo sam ngokuzibandakanya namantombazana. Le yayiyindlela yam eqhelekileyo yokondla intsapho. Nangona kunjalo, ndandidla ngokucinga ubusuku ngabunye emva kokulala ebhedini ngaye. Ndandidla ngokumcingela njengentombi yam kwaye wayendindwendwela yonke imihla……siyathandana kwaye sihlale ubusuku… kunye nesondo…kunye nokunye okuninzi. Le nkqubo yaqhubeka yaza yacinywa iminyaka emithathu eyalandelayo xa ndafika kwibanga le-10. Ngelo xesha, ndandixhatshazwa yi-OCD yam. Ndandinoxinezeleko nonxunguphalo. Andikwazanga ukuphucula izifundo zam ngokomnqweno wam. Kwikota yokuqala yebanga le-10, ndaya kwitshomi yam. Ndandizithanda kakhulu iiselfowuni kuba ndandingenayo. Ke, ndathatha ifowuni yakhe ephathwayo, ndaqalisa ukuyiphonononga…..iqala kwiifoto, iividiyo zomculo, iimuvi, kunye….ngequbuliso loo vidiyo!!!! Ukudibana kwam okokuqala nevidiyo ye-porn. Umfana nenenekazi belalana ebhedini…ndaya kwigumbi elahlukileyo, ndabukela ividiyo yonke….kwaye mhlawumbi ndonwabele noko…..!!
Zahamba iintsuku, ndabhala iimviwo zam zokuphela konyaka ezalandelwa ziiholide zeenyanga ezi-2-3. Ndaceba ukufunda ubuchule bekhompyutha kwiziko loqeqesho lasekuhlaleni. Ngenye imini, emva kokuba izifundo zam zekhompyutha zivaliwe, ndaya kwindawo yokubhalela apho ndandidla ngokuthengela mna nabantakwethu zonke izinto zokufunda. Ndazama ukufunda amaphephancwadi ukuze ndidlulise imizuzu embalwa phaya. Yhu!! Apho ndadibana okwesibini…..ndiye ndadibana nemagazini apho ndafunda ibali elinxulumene nemicimbi yezesondo. Ndalithanda kakhulu elo bali. Ingqondo enzulu yolonwabo yabaleka engqondweni yam. Ayekho amanye amabali amaninzi athetha ngesini kunye nemibhalo kwelo phephancwadi. Ndayithenga ekhaya ekugqibeleni. Ndahlala ndedwa kwaye ndaqala ukufunda loo mabali andinika ukwakhiwa ngezikhukula ze-dopamine. Ngosuku olulandelayo, ndaya kulaa ncwadi yokubhala, ndathenga iincwadi ezininzi ezifanayo neemagazini……ngeli xesha ziqulethe iifoto ezingemi ze. Ndandikuthanda ukuzifunda ekhaya. Kodwa, emva koko, ndaziva ndinetyala ngaphakathi. Kwaye, ndawalahla kude loo maphephancwadi, ndaza ndathembisa ukuba andisayi kuphinda ndiphinde izenzo ezinjalo.
Zahamba iintsuku. Ndiphumelele iimviwo zam zebanga le-10 ngamanqaku asezantsi ebendingawalindelanga. Ndiye ecapital city ngezifundo zam eziphezulu. Ndifumene i-scholarship, kwaye ndavuma kwikholeji elungileyo. Ndandihlala ehostele yasekholejini nomntu endandihlala naye. Kunyaka wokuqala wokufunda, imeko yam yaba lusizi kakhulu ngenxa yeengcinga ze-OCD. Ndandinexhala kakhulu yaye ndidandathekile ngalo lonke ixesha. Nangona kunjalo, ndandizama kangangoko kwizifundo. Ngokuhamba kwexesha, ixesha leeholide lasondela xa ikholeji yayihlala ivaliwe. Mna nomntu endandihlala naye saceba ukugoduka, saza sathenga izinto ezincinci kwimarike yasekuhlaleni. Besesiwabhukile amatikiti. Ngelo xesha, ndandidla ngokuba neselula encinane enezitshixo. Kodwa, bendinekhadi lememori kuyo, kwaye bendigcine iividiyo ezininzi zomculo kunye neeaudios kuyo. Ngaloo mini, ngequbuliso, kwathi qatha ingcinga engqondweni yam. Kwiiveki ezimbalwa ezidlulileyo, ndabona abanye abantu abadala bam bethenga iividiyo ze-porn kwivenkile ekufutshane, kwaye bazibukele ngaphakathi kwegumbi lasehostele. Ndicinge ukuba ndingakhuphela iividiyo zamanyala kuloo venkile, kwaye ndibukele kwigumbi lam ebusuku. Le ngcinga yayinyanzelisa yaye ichulumancisa kangangokuba ndacela umntu endandihlala naye ukuba aqhubeke esiya ehostele, yaye ndandiza kulinda umsebenzi othile wobuqu. Ndaya evenkileni, ndacela iividiyo zamanyala. Oko kubiza kuphela iipeni ezimbalwa kwaye ndalayisha iividiyo ezininzi zamanyala kwimemori khadi yam. Ndivuya kakhulu, ndaya egumbini lam ehostele, ndathatha iearphones zam ndaqalisa ukuzibukela one by one phantsi kwengubo. Ndaqhubeka ndibukele nasemva kwesidlo sangokuhlwa ezinzulwini zobusuku. Ekugqibeleni, ndandidiniwe kwaye ndiziva ndinetyala kwaye ndineentloni, ndiyaqikelela….. Ngokukhawuleza, ndazicima zonke ezo vidiyo ndalala.
Kunyaka wam wesibini, ndafumana iividiyo ezingamanyala kumhlobo wam owayehlala kumgangatho olandelayo kwihostele enye. Lahamba ixesha, isifundo sam sesekondari seminyaka emibini sagqitywa. Kwasekuqaleni, ndandinenjongo yokuba ngugqirha. Ngoko ke, ndaqalisa ukulungiselela iimviwo zam zokungena kwezonyango. Ndoyisakala kumzamo wokuqala. Noko ke, ndaqhubeka ndilungiselela. Ndandidla ngokuhlala kwigumbi eliqeshisayo kwisixeko esilikomkhulu. Ndibulela kakhulu kusapho lwam olundixhasileyo rhoqo. Ngeli xesha, ndandidla ngokuba noxinzelelo lwengqondo kunye nokudandatheka kokungangeni kuluhlu olufanelekileyo okokuqala. Nangona kunjalo, ndandifunda kakhulu, kunzima kakhulu. Ndandinamabhongo kakhulu kwaye ndizimisele. Ngenye imini, ndandidikwe ndim kunye nenkqubo yam yemihla ngemihla kangangokuba ndaqala ukucinga into enxulumene nesondo kunye nothando. Ndafumana uqhaqho olukhulu olwandichukumisayo. Ngelixesha ndabamba ipipi yam, yavakala imnandi kum. Ndiyibambe kabuhlungu ndiyiphulula kancinci kancinci. Kuncinci ngakumbi…… Ndaqalisa ukuyiphulula ngokukhawuleza okukhulu. Ndaziva ndinemvakalelo eyodwa kakhulu endingazange ndibe nayo ngaphambili. Wow, kumnandi kangakanani!! Ngokukhawuleza, ndaqonda ukuba umhlolokazi wegumbi lam uvuliwe. Ndikhawuleze ndayivala, ndakhulula iblukhwe ne underwear. Ndaqala ndaphulula ipipi yam kakhulu and fast. Ndiyonwabele kakhulu….andikwazi ukuyichaza…….!!!! Emva kwexeshana, ulwelo olumhlophe lwaphuma ngamandla kwilungu lam lobudoda….kwaye ndeva ulonwabo olukhulu kunye nesiqabu. I-OMG…..zange ndiyive le nto ebomini bam. Ndandimangaliswe kwaye ndonwabile!!!!………Kwaye, oku yayikukuphulula amalungu esini kuqala ebomini bam.
Zaqengqeleka iintsuku, ndimane ndiziphulula amaphambili xa ndifuna. Ngelo xesha, umkhuluwa wam wayehlala nam. Ngoko, ndandisebenzisa i-masturbate kwindawo yokuhlambela, okanye emva kokuba elele. Ndingene kuluhlu lwabafanelekeleyo kwaye ndamkelwa kwikholeji yezonyango. Kunyaka wam wokuqala kwisikolo sobugqirha, ndandihlala kwirente ekufutshane nekholeji nabahlobo bam abambalwa. Ngeli xesha, bendineselfowuni entsha enemodeli yesikrini sokucofa. Ndikwazile ukusebenzisa iWi-Fi yekholeji kuba bendikufuphi kakhulu nekholeji. Ndandidla ngokubukela iividiyo kwiYouTube kwaye ndandingene kufacebook okokuqala. Ndandilonwabela uhambo lwam lokuba ngugqirha kwixesha elizayo….kwangelo xesha, i-OCD yam yayikhula kakuhle. Ndandidla ngokuba neentsuku ezimbi kakhulu rhoqo ngenxa yeengcinga ze-OCD. Ndandidla ngokuziphulula amaphambili ngokubukela iifoto ze-porn actress. Ngobunye ubusuku, xa ndandiskrola iselfowuni yam, ndadibana nekliphu yevidiyo….ikliphu yevidiyo engamanyala kakade…ebendijonge ukuyibukela. Ndiyifumene….kwaye bendinokuyikhuphela kwiselula yam. Ndayibukela ndayiphulula ngoko nangoko. Emva koko, ndiye ndanombono wokukhuphela iividiyo ezininzi. Ndandimane ndibabukela emva koko ndiphulule amalungu omzimba kunye ne-orgasm. Kodwa, ngalo lonke ixesha emva kokubukela iividiyo, bendidla ngokuziva ndinetyala kwaye bendidla ngokuzicima ndithembisa ukuba andiphindi. Oku kwenzeka izihlandlo eziliqela. Ndabona ukuba andenzi nto ilungileyo…ikhona into embi eyenzekayo kum…….ndazama ukuyiyeka le nto….kodwa andakwazi. Ngalo lonke ixesha, ndandidla ngokuthi yayilixesha lokugqibela. Andizange ndiyazi ukuba ndiwela kumgibe wokulutha i-porn.
Iziqendu zokubukela iiklip ze-porn kunye ne-masturbating ezilandelwa netyala kunye nezithembiso zokungabukeli kwakhona ziqhubeka. Ngenye imini, ndeva ngesayithi ye-porn kumhlobo wam. Ndikhawuleze ndaya egumbini lam ndavula la site. Iyamangalisa!! Yayiyindawo emangalisayo. Iividiyo ezininzi ezikumgangatho ophezulu wephonografi…amantombazana anqunu kunye nabasetyhini…..iividiyo zohlobo olwahlukileyo…….Ndaziva ndow………Ngale ndlela, umkhwa wam uye watshintshela ekubukeleni iividiyo zamanyala ezikwizinga eliphezulu ukusuka kwiziqeshana ezikumgangatho ophantsi. Oku kwabonisa ukuba ndiyakhula obo bumnyama ngaphakathi kum. Esi sigebenga sahlala sindikhukulisa yonke imihla. Ndandidla ngokubukela phantse yonke imihla okanye emva kweentsuku ezimbini. Ndandidla ngokulinda isantya esiphezulu se-intanethi ebusuku kakhulu, kwaye ndandisenza loo misebenzi ebhedini yam. Ngosuku olulandelayo, ndandidla ngokuziva ndityhafile yaye ndiyozela kangangokuba ndandingakwazi ukunikel’ ingqalelo ndiqhube kakuhle kwigumbi lam lokufundisa. Ndandihlala ndiziva ndinetyala kwaye ndineentloni ngaphakathi emva kweseshoni ye-porn. Kodwa, andizange ndikwazi ukuwuyeka lo mkhwa ulusizi. Ndandidla ngokuvula iithebhu ezininzi, kwaye ndibukele umbulo/udlwengulo/iqela lemigulukudu/iphononi zabantu abadala/abakrexezayo, njl.njl…njl……Ekuhambeni kwexesha, ndiye ndenyuka kwiminyaka yam yokufunda kwikholeji yam yezonyango. Kodwa, lo mkhwa awuzange utshintshe, endaweni yoko wakhula njengayo yonke into. Ndiqale ukukhangela iividiyo zamanyala endizikhethileyo kuGoogle kwaye ndiyibukele. Ndandidla ngokugoduka ngexesha leeholide zemibhiyozo, kwaye ndandidla ngokwenza izithembiso zokuyeka lo mkhwa...kodwa ngalo lonke ixesha ndifika kwigumbi lam, ndandidla ngokurhalela iphonografi, kwaye ngokungxama ndandibukela.
Kunyaka wam wesithathu kwikholeji yezonyango, ndiye ndazi ukuba umlutha we-porn ukhona, kwaye ngowona mlutha uvelayo kwimeko yangoku. Abantu abaninzi ehlabathini lonke baphethwe yiyo. Babutshabalalisile ubomi babo, umsebenzi wabo kunye nobudlelwane babo ngenxa yalo mkhwa. Ndandisazi ukuba ukubukela iphonografi kuthoba impilo yethu yengqondo, yokomoya, yeemvakalelo kunye neyesondo. Ngoko ke, ndiye ndazama kaninzi ukuyeka lo mkhwa, kodwa ndasilela emva kwayo yonke imizamo. Ndandimane ndibuyela emva. Yonke imizamo yam yatsho phantsi. Andizange ndikwazi ukuzinqanda ekubukeleni amanyala. Okwangoku, ndandihlala ndifunda amabali esondo kwi-google ngokunjalo. Ndandidla ngokuphulula amaphambili. Ndandidla ngokuzulazula kwiindidi ezahlukeneyo ze-porn xa ndiziva ndicinezelekile okanye ndedwa okanye xa ndiba neminqweno. Kodwa, kwangaxeshanye, ndanditsala nzima kakhulu ukuba ndiyeke lo mkhwa ukhobokisayo, yaye ndandisilela ngokuphindaphindiweyo. Kunyaka wesine, ndatyelela ugqirha wengqondo ngengxaki yam yeOCD. Wandimisela amayeza okudakumba/i-anxiolytic endithe ndaqhubeka nawo kunyaka onesiqingatha olandelayo. Ndiqhube kakuhle kakhulu kunyaka wam wesine, ndagqwesa kuviwo lokugqibela lweyunivesithi kwibhetshi yam. Emva koko, ndalungiselela nzima ukuyeka lo mkhwa ngaphambi kokuba ndiqalise unyaka wam wokugqibela. Kodwa, ndaphinda ndabuyela kwakhona. I-OCD kunye nokuba likhoboka le-porn kwangaxeshanye yonakalisa impilo yam yengqondo. Kwigumbi lam lasehostele, xa umntu endihlala naye elele, ndandidla ngokuhlola iindawo ze-porn, ndibukele ebusuku, kwaye ndiphulula amalungu entsapho. Emva kokuphinda ndibuyele, ndandidla ngokwenza izithembiso ezintsha kunye nemigudu eqinile kunye nokuzimisela, kodwa ndasilela emva kweentsuku ezimbalwa. Andinakuze ndihlale ngaphandle kobu bumdaka ngaphezulu kweveki. Le yayiyinkqubo yam elusizi. Ngoku, ndiyalibona elo xesha xa ndandiphila esihogweni. Isihogo apho ndandibhidekile kwaye ndisoyika. Isihogo esaluhlutha ulonwabo lwam novuyo lwam. Isihogo esenze umphefumlo wam wangaphakathi nomoya. Isihogo esasingaphezu kwesihogo!
Andikwazanga ukugcina isithembiso sam sokuyeka umkhwa we-porn kuwo wonke unyaka wokugqibela wekholeji yezonyango. Ekugqibeleni, iimviwo zaseyunivesithi (uviwo lokugqibela lwezifundo zobugqirha zabangekabinazidanga) zankqonkqoza iingcango zethu. Kwaye, le ngozi inkulu yenzeka………..!!!!! Ndafumana imeko embi yempilo ngesiquphe ngenxa yoxinzelelo oluphezulu kunye nexhala, nto leyo eyakhokelela ekubeni ndiyeke kuvavanyo olunye. Unyango olungxamisekileyo lwenziwa kwisibhedlele sethu. Ngoxa ndandilele ebhedini esibhedlele, kwafika ingcinga yokuzibulala. Ndandicinga ukuba mandibaleke ngonaphakade, ndingaze ndibuye ndibuyele kwilizwe lakowethu. Ndacinga ukunyamalala kwinyani yam. Kodwa, Nkosi yam bamba isandla sam wandibuyisa. Ngoxa ndandinengxaki yengqondo eqatha kwigumbi labagula kakhulu, ndandicela into yokuthomalalisa. Ugqirha olinenekazi olungileyo (elidala kum) weza kum, wandicebisa. Ilizwi lakhe elithambileyo nelimnandi layithuthuzela ingqondo nomphefumlo wam. Ndiyaqonda ngoku ukuba uTHIXO ebethetha nam ngaye. Akazange andithuthuzele kuphela, kodwa wandikhuthaza ukuba ndithathe umtsi omtsha we-quantum. Uye wandincoma nendlela endiqhubele phambili ngayo ezifundweni. Oku kwayibhangisa inkqubo yam yokucinga ukuzibulala kunye nengalunganga…… Ngoku, ndifumene ukukhanya okutsha, amandla amatsha. Ndajonga ixesha….Yhe, kwakusele kuhlwile ukuba ndiphinde ndibhale iimviwo zam ngaloo mini. Ngaloo ndlela, ndaphulukana nolunye lweemvavanyo zam, kodwa ithemba lam lalingasekho, ingasekho nentembelo yam. Ndazibhala iimviwo eziye zahamba kakuhle kakhulu.
Emva kokuba iimviwo zigqityiwe, bendivolontiya kwi-Skill lab yethu inyanga enye okanye ngaphezulu. Ngequbuliso, ubhubhani we-COVID-19 wakhula. Ilizwe lonke lalivalelwe. Kwafuneka sibuyele kwikhaya lethu sisuka kwisixeko esilikomkhulu. Le yayiyenye inkxwaleko eyaluhlehlisayo uviwo lwam lokuxabangela malunga neenyanga ezisibhozo. Bonke abahlobo bam babesele beyiqalile i-internship yabo, kodwa ndandingekagqibezeli iphepha elinye. Eli yayilelona xesha linzima ebomini bam. Umhlaba wonke wawusindile ngexesha lendyikityha. IYunivesithi ibingabhengezi isaziso esitsha seemviwo zethu zokuxabangela. Ndandisele ndibuyele kwikomkhulu lendlu yam. Ndandihlala kwigumbi eliqeshisayo kufutshane nekholeji yam. Imini yonke yayinesiphithiphithi kwaye inoxinzelelo. Ekuqaleni, ndandiqhuba kakuhle. Ndandizibophelele ukuba ndingaphinde ndibukele iividiyo ze-porn. Kodwa, imeko yayisoloko indiqhubela kuyo. Kwaye, ekugqibeleni, ndangena kwi-porn binges. Ndandidla ngokukhuphela ezona vidiyo zamanyala zinomtsalane kwigumbi lomhlobo wam (njengoko wayene-intanethi enesantya esiphezulu), emva koko ndiwabukele kangangoko ndinqwenela kwigumbi lam elivaliweyo imini yonke. Ndandisele ndilikhoboka lee-porns zaseJapan ukusuka phakathi konyaka wam wesithathu. Ngesi sihlandlo, ndawandisa umbono walo. Ndaqala ukufumana iividiyo zamanyala zaseJapan ezikumgangatho ophezulu kunye nombhalo ongezantsi wesiNgesi. Ndisakhumbula obo busuku xa ndandibukele iividiyo ezingamanyala kangangeeyure ezilithoba ebusuku. Kwaye, ndaphulula amaphambili izihlandlo ezithathu. Ekugqibeleni, emva kokudinwa ngo-5 AM, ndalala.
Kancinci kancinci, i-COVID-19 yaqala ukuncipha. Iimviwo zethu zokuxabangela ziye zagqitywa, kwaye ndaqalisa i-internship yam ekugqibeleni. Kwangaxeshanye, umninawa wam wayelungiselela uviwo lokungena kugqirha. Sobabini sagqiba kwelokuba sihlale kwigumbi elirentayo kufutshane nesibhedlele sam. Loo ndawo yayintle kakhulu kwaye inoxolo. Apha, ndazibophezela ngosuku lokuqala malunga nokungabukeli i-porn kwakhona. Kodwa, loo intanethi inesantya esiphezulu yanditsala kakhulu, kwaye ekugqibeleni ndaqala ukubukela iividiyo zamanyala. Ndizame kakhulu kulo nyaka wam wonke wokufunda ukuba ndiyeke lo mkhwa, kwaye ndinyange umlutha wam. Kodwa, ndasilela ngokwenene kwakhona kwaye kwakhona. Noko ke, ndenza inkqubela enkulu kwezinye iinkalo zobomi. Ndifumene ilayisenisi yebhayisekile. Ndaqala ukwenza imisebenzi emininzi yophando ngokusebenzisana nabahlobo bam kunye nabadala. Imisebenzi yam ye-internship ihamba kakuhle kakhulu, kwaye ndafunda zonke iindlela zonyango. Ekugqibeleni, ndaluphumelela uviwo lwam lwelayisenisi yesidanga sokuqala, kwaye ndaba ngugqirha obhalisiweyo. Kodwa, umlutha wam we-porn wawusaqhubeka. Umtsalane wam okhulayo kwiintlobo ze-porn zaseJapan awuzange undikhokelele kude kumlutha. Ndiqale ukukhangela ngakumbi nangakumbi, ukusuka kwigama lohlobo ukuya kwigama labadlali, iividiyo ezininzi ezahlukeneyo, ukukhangela imibhalo engezantsi yesiNgesi, ndivula malunga neethebhu ezingama-50 ngaxeshanye……OMG…OMG…..i-dopamine rush… loo dopamine iphuphuma engqondweni yam. ……ingqondo yam edakumbileyo kwafuneka inyamezele zonke ezi nkathazo!!!!
Emva kokuba uqeqesho lwam luphelile, ndathunyelwa kwisibhedlele esisemaphandleni selizwe lam iminyaka emibini phantsi kwesivumelwano sikarhulumente. Inkonzo ye-intanethi ibikhona kule ndawo. Kwaye, ndaphinda ndazibophelela ukuba ndingabukeli i-porn ukususela ngelo xesha. Kwaye, ngokunjalo, ndasaphula isithembiso sam, kwaye ndaqala ukubukela i-porns kakhulu. Ndandisele ndingene kwiwebhusayithi entsha ye-porn yaseJapan equlethe iividiyo ezikumgangatho ophezulu kakhulu ezinemibhalo engezantsi yesiNgesi. Yile nto yayifunwa yimithambo-luvo yam. Kodwa, nangona kunjalo, kwangaxeshanye, ndandilungiselela iimviwo zam zesidanga sokuqala, yaye ndandiqhuba kakuhle kwimisebenzi yam. Kodwa, umlutha we-porn wawusakhula ngamandla apheleleyo ngaphakathi kum. Phakathi kuloo nyaka, ndadibana nentombazana kwi-intanethi. Wayemhle kakhulu, kwaye naye wayendithanda. Saqala ukuncokola nokuncokola kwi-intanethi. Kancinci, ndamcela ukuba sihlale sithandana, kwaye wavuma. Saqhubeka sincokola. Ngokuthe ngcembe, incoko yethu yaqalisa ukuba yezothando. Saqalisa ukuncokola ebusuku kakhulu ebhedini ngokuphathelele ezothando nesini. Saceba ukudibana kwaye sihlale ubusuku bonke, sibe neentlobano zesini kunye nazo zonke. Kamva, incoko yethu yaba mbi ngakumbi. Saqala ukubukela i-porns ngokwabelana ngesikrini. Bendimane ndimphulula amaphambili ndisathetha naye. Besimane siphuzana nge phone. Olu yayilubudlelwane obunetyhefu kakhulu, umtsalane nje womzimba owawukhatshwa yimikhwa engamanyala. Phakathi kobu budlelwane, ndadibana nentombazana entsha kwindawo yomtshato. Kwakhona wayevela kwicandelo lezonyango, engugqirha. Wandixelela ukuba wayesele enomfana awayelala naye amaxesha amaninzi. Ndaqalisa ukuthetha naye emnxebeni. Ngapha koko, sasidla ngokuphuzana ngefowuni size siphululane amalungu esini kunye. Ndiphinde ndamcela ngesondo xa sidibana. Akazange akhanyele. Wayendithanda ngokwenene kwaye wayefuna ukwakha ubudlelwane. Kodwa, andizange ndimbone enomtsalane njengoko wayetyebe kakhulu kwaye eqinile. Ngale ndlela, ndandizibandakanya kancinci nehlabathi lokwenyani okokuqala nangona yayiyityhefu encinci. Kwaye, ndakhe ndakhweliswa kancinane kubukhoboka bam. Elo yayilixesha lokuqala xa ndandiyekile ukubukela i-porns malunga neenyanga ezintathu. Sekunjalo, ndandiziphulula amaphambili amaxesha amaninzi. Ekupheleni konyaka, ubudlelwane bam nala manenekazi omabini aphela ngandlela ithile….kwaye ngoku ndaphinda ndaqala ukubukela iividiyo ezingamanyala kakhulu.
Unyaka wesibini wokuposwa kwam waqala, kodwa ndaqhubeka ndiphindaphinda. Yazi bendimane ndicela uncedo engqondweni yam xa ndine cravings. Ndandizibulala ngengqondo qho. Nangona kunjalo, ngeli xesha, ndandizinikele ngakumbi kwaye ndiziphatha njengomfana othembekileyo. Usapho lwam lwalundifunela intombi yomtshato wam. Baqalisa ukundithumelela iifoto. Ndaqalisa ukucinga nokwenza ngendlela eyahlukileyo. Kwaye, ndiye ndakwazi ukuphumelela kobu bubi……Eli bali liqala apha……
Ukusukela ekuqaleni kwalo nyaka, ndaqala ukuzifundisa malunga nokulutha iphonografi kunye neendlela zokunyanga. Ndaqala ukusefa kwiYouTube nakuGoogle imini nobusuku. Ekugqibeleni, uYehova wawuva umthandazo wam nokusebenza nzima kwam. Ndadibana nalomntu umangalisayo. UnguGqr. Trish Leigh, isazi se-neuroscientist kunye nomqeqeshi oqinisekisiweyo wokubuyisela umlutha ngokwesondo. Ndabukela iividiyo zakhe zikaYouTube. Babenamandla ngokwenene kwaye bekhuthaza. Ngenene unike izimvo zakhe zobuchwephesha kwiividiyo zakhe. Ndandikholelwa kuye ngokupheleleyo. Ndibhalisele ijelo lakhe kwaye ndaqala ukumlandela uthotho lwenyanga enye olwaluqhutywa kulo nyaka uphelileyo. Andikwazanga ukujoyina iqela le-intanethi elikhokelwa nguye ngenxa yokungabi namali yaneleyo yokuhlawula. Ngaphandle kwakhe, ndijoyine uqeqesho lwakusasa lweCommando oluququzelelwe nguMqeqeshi uBhupendra Singh Rathore. La manyathelo mabini abutshintshe ubomi bam. Usuku nosuku, ndandidla ngokubukela iividiyo ezimfutshane zikaGqr. Leigh, kwaye ndandidla ngokubhala phantsi izinto ezibalulekileyo awayezibalisa. Kwaye, ngobabalo lukaThixo, ndenyuka ukusuka kuloo mngxuma umnyama, kwaye ndayigqiba ngempumelelo inyanga yam enye yokukhulula iphonografi.
Kule nyanga inye yokungalali kwi-PMO, bendinamaphupha okuphinda ndiphinde ndiphume ebusuku kube kanye. Ndiphuphe ndineminqweno enamandla kunye ne-porns ephelayo. Bendimane ndifumana inkanuko emva kokuvuka ekuseni nam. Ngokukwanjalo, bekukho izibongozo ezinkulu zokuphelisa iisayithi ze-porn ngelixa ndiphumle ebhedini yam ngexesha lasemini. Kwakhe kwathi gqi umnqweno ndise bathroom. Ngokufanayo, ndandidla ngokufumana ii-erections ezinamandla ezaziwa nzima ngexesha lesiqingatha sokuqala senyanga. Amaxesha amaninzi, andizange ndiphendule, kwaye ii-rections zaziphela. Amaxesha ambalwa, ndandidla ngokubamba ilungu lam lobufazi ndize ndive umthondo umile, ndize ngokukhawuleza ndisuse izandla zam. Ingqondo yam yaqala ukucinga ukuba i-porns ayinyani kwaye ayinyani. Ngelixa ndandikwimini yam ye-14, udade womyeni wam waphawula kwifowuni yevidiyo ukuba ngenene ndijongeka ndinomtsalane kwaye ndiqaqambile kunangaphambili. Kanye ngelo xesha, ndaqonda ukuba ngoku ngokwenene ndandichacha kubukhoboka. Ngamanye amaxesha, ii-erections zazithatha ixesha elide njengemizuzu engama-30-40, kodwa ndandidla ngokujika indlebe yam engevayo ngakubo. Kwaye, ekugqibeleni bahamba. Kubusuku obumbalwa, ubuthongo bam babuphazamisekile. Ndaba neminqweno emandla xa ndifumana ubuthongo bude. Ndisabukhumbula obo busuku bumbini (ngomhla wama-21 nowama-24), xa ndandingakwazi ukulala. Kwaye, ngequbuliso, ndafumana umnqweno onamandla wokuvula iisayithi ze-porn. Eli rhamncwa lingaphakathi lalisithi mandivule qha. Kubusuku bangaphambili, ndavuka ebhedini ndathatha iselula ndajonga amanyala…..!!!! Kodwa, UTHIXO wandisindisa. Ndivule nje ufacebook, ndaqala ukuthumela ifriend request kwamanye amanenekazi amahle avela kwingcebiso yefriend request. Kwaye, emva kweyure okanye ngaphezulu, ndabeka ifowuni phezu kwetafile ndalala. Ngobusuku basemva, bendinoxinzelelo oluninzi lwengqondo ngenxa yeengxabano zamaziko imini yonke. Khange behle ubuthongo nangona bendidiniwe nokozela. Ndivuke ngequbuliso ndinomnqweno/umnqweno wokuvula amanyala kwiselfowuni yam. Kodwa, uTHIXO wandinceda. Kwakungekho intanethi esebenzayo. Ndiyabulela Nkosi yam. Kwaye, emva koko, ndalinda imizuzu eyi-15 ukuba i-intanethi isebenze. Emva koko, ngokuthe ngcembe, imeko yengqondo yam yatshintsha ngokupheleleyo. Ekugqibeleni, ndathatha iphakheji yedatha yeselula, kwaye ndabukela iividiyo kwi-YouTube kunye ne-Facebook. Khange ndiphinde ndifune amanyala. Hurra!! Ndiphumelele nakweli ityeli. Kwiveki yokugqibela yale nyanga, ii-erections zam bezingekho lukhuni kwaye rhoqo. Iimvakalelo zaqala ukuncipha. Ndandingasacingi ngeziganeko eziphathelele kwezothando nezesondo. Kwaye, ngazo zonke ezi nzame, ngesikhokelo esikhulu sikaGqr. Okwesihlandlo sokuqala, ndavakalelwa kukuba ndiphumelele. Ngale ndlela, ukupheliswa kobumnyama bam beminyaka esibhozo kwaqala.
Namhlanje, ndonwabe kakhulu, ndizithembile, ndizinzile kwaye ndinovelwano. Kukho uxolo engqondweni yam nokwaneliseka entliziyweni yam. Ndiziva ngathi ndisuka esihogweni. Ndiye ndaqonda ukuba ilifu elimnyama lifumene i-silver lining. Ndibuya engcwabeni lobumnyama. Ndibuya entilini yamarhamncwa. Ndishiya ixesha lam elidlulileyo elikrakra ngenxa yekamva elingcono. Ngoku ndithembisa ngokusuka emazantsi entliziyo yam ukuba andisayi kuze ndibandakanyeke kwimisebenzi neziganeko ezikhokelela kwihlabathi elimnyama lephonografi. Ndizakuzama ngako konke ukuxhasa abanye abantu abalungileyo ubomi babo bungenelwe leli demon. Ndiya kuxhasa yonke imiphefumlo ephaya, nazo zonke izidalwa ezinamandla ezichumayo yonke imihla. Ukusukela ngoku ukuya phambili, andisoze ndiwele kwimigibe yalo naluphi na uhlobo lobukhoboka.
Ngeli thuba lokuphumelela, ndingathanda ukubulela wonke umntu, wokwenyani okanye wenyani, othe ngokuthe ngqo okanye ngokungathanga ngqo wandinceda kuhambo lwam. Ndibulela kakhulu, ndikhetheke kakhulu kwaye ndibulela kakhulu kuGqirha Trish Leigh, ozise oku kukhanya ebomini bam. Ufana nomama endikhusela kuzo zonke iingxaki endithandazela ukuba ndiphile, ondinqwenelela okuhle kuyo yonke imeko. Ndiyabulela Nkosi yam Somandla ngokuzisa le mpumelelo ebomini bam. Ubusoloko ungumsindisi omkhulu!!!!
Uyazi bahlobo bam, nangona ndahlala ndibuyela kule minyaka isibhozo, kwangaxeshanye, ndazama ngamandla kwaye ndasebenza ngokunyanisekileyo ukuyeka lo mkhwa, ukuphelisa olu longezo. Kuhlala kukho imitha yokukhanya ekupheleni kwetonela. Ukuba siqhubeka sizama ngentliziyo elungileyo, asihlali singahlawulwa. Indalo iphela isebenza ngokuthanda kwethu ukuba silungelelanisa imizimba yethu, ingqondo kunye nomphefumlo wethu kwinjongo enye.
Kwaye, kukho uhambo olude ekufuneka luhanjwe…..Yinyanga nje enye endithetha ngayo. Okokuqala, kufuneka ndigqibe iinyanga ezintathu eziqhubekayo zokuziyeka ezihlala zilixesha eliqhelekileyo lokuchacha. Ewe, kufuneka ndihlale ndikhululekile kulo mkhwa ukulunga, ubomi bam bonke. Oku kuya kuhlala kuyinjongo yam enkulu, iprojekthi enkulu kunjalo. Ngokuchasene noko, ndisenemingeni emininzi yokubuyela umva. Kuba ndingumfundi wezonyango, kufuneka ndihlale ndisebenza kwi-intanethi kwaye ndifuna iiselfowuni rhoqo. Ndandingakwazi ukuziphepha ngokupheleleyo. Le yindawo yam ebuthathaka. Okulandelayo, andinaye iqabane elibhinqileyo (okanye iqabane) kodwa endinokwabelana nalo ngeemvakalelo zam, ndifumane uncedo xa lufuneka. Le yenye ikroba. Nangona kunjalo, amandla am ziividiyo zam ze-GURU zikaGqirha Trish Leigh zikaYouTube, izibophelelo zam ezomeleleyo nezinyanisekileyo, umsebenzi wam oqaqambileyo nonika umdla ongaphambili, kunye nenenekazi elihle endiza kutshata nalo ekugqibeleni. Lilonke, eyona nkosi inamandla Ikhona iNkosi enguSomandla indikhathalele, indikhokela ngokufanelekileyo, indondla kwaye indikhathalele.
Ndininqwenelela okuhle kodwa kuyo yonke imiphefumlo emihle phaya. Intsikelelo yam inawe ngamaxesha onke. Ngokuqinisekileyo uya kuphumelela ngenye imini. Uligorha eliba nguloyiso. Ungukumkani owoyisa zonke iintshaba. Kukho UTHIXO ngaphakathi kuwe onetyala eliphezulu. Ungoyena mntu unamandla. Ithamsanqa ngaphambili.
Enkosi.
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