Ndineminyaka engama-38. Umnqweno wam wokuyeka ukubukela i-porn yaqala xa ndifika kwindawo apho andizange ndizive kakuhle emva kokubukela i-porn-ndaqala ukuvakalelwa kukuba ukubukela abanye abantu ngesondo kwakuyinto engcolileyo, engabonakaliyo. Ndandisonyanya kumzi mveliso wephonografi onembewu ephantsi kakhulu, kwaye ndandingafuni ukuwunceda wenze inzuzo. Ngoko ndenza isithembiso sokuyeka. Kodwa ke, bendiza kuphinda ndibuyele-phantse xa ndinxilile. Ndabona ukuba ndinomlutha-bendifuna ukuyeka, kodwa andakwazi. Yiyo loo nto kubaluleke kakhulu kum, ukusuka kwindawo yokukhula kwam, ukuba ndiyeke.
Ndiba nokuphinda ndibuye xa ndisela. Into eqhele ukwenzeka ngexesha lokuphinda ndibheje ukuba uyayazi kanye le nto ndithetha ngayo, kukuba umnqweno onamandla wokubukela iphonografi ukongamela amandla akho entando-ndicinga ukuba iyafana nento efunyanwa ngamakhoboka eziyobisi. Ebudeni bolu tshintsho, ndiye ndithethelele ukunikezela kumnqweno otshabalalisayo ngokuzixelela ukuba “ndiyenza le nto xa ndinxilile” okanye ndisuke ndanikezela kwisilingo ngaphandle kokuzithethelela.
Kwezi nyanga zimbini zidluleyo, bendisoloko ndizikhumbuza ukuba xa ndinikezela kwisilingo, ndiza kuzisola ngakumbi ngengomso—ukuba xa sithetha ngokuphandle, iindleko ziyodlula lee “ingenelo” leyo. Ngumkhwa otshabalalisayo lo, ndiyaphinda, ngakumbi xa ndisazi ukuba ndiza kusela ngobo busuku.
Ke ewe, ndicinga ukuba unokuthi bendisomeleza ingqondo yam ngokuchasene nokunikezela kwisilingo esitshabalalisayo-ngokuzikhumbuza ngesiqhelo malunga nokuba kutheni ndincame iphonografi kwasekuqaleni kwaye kutheni ukwenza izizathu (umzekelo, beka ityala kutywala) lipolisa elingenakuxolelwa.
Owu kwaye oku kubaluleke kakhulu: kwiinyanga ezimbini ezidlulileyo, ndikhumbula kanye nje xa umnqweno wokubukela i-porn wawumkhulu kangangokuba ngendiphule ngaphambili. Okuvuyisayo kukuba, ndayoyisa. KODWA, ndinethemba lokuba uqeqesho lwam olungqongqo luye lwawathoba amandla esihendo-into efana nesenzo esiphinda-phindiweyo (okanye ukungasebenzi kwimeko) ikhokelela kumkhwa. Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, eyona nto ilungileyo kukuba ungahendwa ukuba ubukele i-porn konke konke, akunjalo? Mhlawumbi ndiyafika kwelo nqanaba, kodwa andikuyeki ukulinda kwam, ndinganeliseki-ukuba utshaba luyabuya ukunyanzelwa kwam, ndikulungele ukulwa nalo. Kwaye ndiya kuqhubeka ndiyiqeqesha ingqondo yam edabini ukuba utshaba lubuya lunamandla njengakuqala. Ndiyazi, kuyamangalisa kakhulu!
Uthetha ukuba ndiphulula njan? Ndivale amehlo am kwaye ndicinge. Ndinethamsanqa ngokwaneleyo ukuba ndingayenza loo nto. Into endiyicingayo ngomnye umba-kodwa inyathelo elinye ngexesha.
By Thrasybulus
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