Andizanga apha ukuba ndinigwebe, okanye ndithethe okulungileyo nokubi. Isimilo sihlala singwevu, kwaye ukuziphatha kakuhle kudla ngokuba yintshukumisa engalunganga yokutshintsha ixesha elide. Andiqondi ukuba ungumntu ombi.
Ndingumfazi. Umyeni wam ube yi-PMO ekubeni sadibana ne-10 kwiminyaka eyadlulayo, kwaye ukuba bekufuneka ndiyenze kwakhona, ndiyazi into endiyenzayo ngoku, andizange ndihlale.
Andizanga apha ukumgezela okanye ukukuzisela ubutyala. Uneempawu ezininzi ezintle, kwaye uye watyebisa ubomi bam ngeendlela ezininzi. Kodwa iminyaka yokuxoka kwakhe, ukugquma, kunye nohlobo lokuzihlukanisa ngokwesini luye lwathatha umngcipheko ukuya kuthi ga kwinqanaba lokuba intlungu ivele kuqala ukudelela, kwaye ngoku ekugqibeleni ukungakhathali. Xa inkosikazi okanye iqabane lakho liyeka ukukhathalela, oko kuthetha ukuba uselunxwemeni lokuhamba ngaphandle kokuba isigqibo esinzima ngokweemvakalelo kwakhona.
Ulwalamano lwethu lwalulude. Kwiiveki ezi-3 ngaphambi kokuba ndihambe ndiye kuba naye kwilizwe lonke, ndafumana isihogo. Ndandineminyaka eyi-23, ina-27. Kucacile ukuba usamile. I-porn, ii-oodle zayo. Ubungqina bokwabelana ngesondo ngefowuni nabanye abafazi. Iincoko zetekisi ezivuselelayo kunye nokudlala indima.
Ndayiyeka. Ndacinga ukuba mhlawumbi kufuneka asebenze loo manyala ngaphandle kwenkqubo yakhe ngaphambi kokuba azibophelele kum. Kodwa ayizange ime. Ngolunye uhlobo okanye olunye, izinto zabuya emva kweminyaka, nokuba yayiyi-porn, indima edlalwayo. Ubuxoki, rhoqo. Ngamanye amaxesha izingxengxezo ezinokundibeka ityala.
Undoqo kukuba, akazange afikelele kwimiba yakhe. Akazange afune ukubona ukuba ukufihla izinto kum, kwaye ukukhetha ubulili obubodwa lukhetho alwenza rhoqo kwaye esazi. Kuncinci malunga nokuba nam, kwaye ngakumbi malunga nokungakwazi kwakhe ukujongana ngokwakhe ngapha koku.
Kunyaka ophelileyo, ndafumana i-porn eninzi. Isizathu sakhe? Nge-37, i-libido yakhe 'yayinciphile' kwaye wayeneentloni ukundixelela oku. Wayesebenzisa i-porn ukuze abone ukuba kukho into engalunganga. Wayengafuni ukuvumela ukuba i-porn ngokwayo ibe yiyo unobangela (idityaniswe nokungafuni kwakhe ukunciphisa umzimba kunye nokuzilolonga ngokujikeleza okungcono kunye ne testosterone).
Kubo bonke ubudlelwane bethu, bendisoloko ndiqala ngesondo. Bendisoloko ndilungile, ndivuma, ndifumaneka. Ndizamile i-lingerie evuselelayo, ukuthetha okuchukumisayo, yonke into. Kwaye akukho nanye kuyo eyakha yasebenza. Bendikade ndicinga ukuba ndim. Ekugqibeleni ndazidibanisa ngokwaneleyo ukuba ndibone ukuba andinakukhuphisana namawakawaka abantu basetyhini (imifanekiso) ngokuthanda kwakhe. Soze isebenze.
Emva kokuba ndifumene iphonografi kwakhona kunyaka ophelileyo, ndazama uvelwano. Uzamile ukuncokola naye malunga nokwabelana ngesondo kwiinyanga ezizayo ze-6, eqaphela ukuba useza kujonga abasetyhini kwiingubo zabo zangaphantsi kuFacebook, de wathi ekugqibeleni "ukuba le (incoko) iyaqhubeka, ndikwinqanaba lokuba ukulungele ukuthi "Fuck it."
Wandigxeka, ngokungathanga ngqo. Wathi 'ibuhlungu' indlela izinto ezehla ngayo kwibhayoloji, ukuba ndimxabisile kuphela ngento enokwenziwa ngumthondo wakhe. Yayibonakala ibalulekile into yokuba ayikho enye into ayenzileyo. Ndamfowunela, ndamkhumbuza indlela endimxabisa ngayo ngazo zonke ezinye izinto azenzayo nenegalelo kubomi bam. Yayiyindlela yakhe yokuphepha, kodwa kwakhona, esona sizathu sibangela imiba yethu.
Kuyahlekisa ukuba umntu ongakwaziyo ukuyeka ukwahlula isini sakhe kubudlelwane bethu ajike ityala kum, esithi ndim oxabisa kakhulu ngesondo.
Loo ncoko yayikum. Oko kwakumalunga neenyanga ezi-5 ezidlulileyo. Emva kwaloo ncoko ndacimela. Wayekulungele ukuthi "fuck it" emva kokuba ndizame ukusebenzela oku kangangeenyanga ezi-5. Kwakutheni zendingatshongo emva kwe 10 years yokhetho lwakhe?
Ndiye ndaphelelwa ngumtsalane ebendinawo ngaye. Ngelixa ndimthanda, kwaye ndibona ukulunga kuye, ukhetho lwakhe lumenza angathandeki. Uyazama, ngamazwi, ukundixelela ukuba uyakhathala. Indixelela ukuba ndimhle. Ukuba nam lolona khetho lubalaseleyo awakhe walwenza. Kwaye ngelixa ndiwuxabisa umzamo, ngaphandle kwentshukumo enesibindi ngokwesondo kunye nangobudlelwane obusondeleyo (umzekelo, ukuba nezinto zakhe, ukuthetha nam malunga nazo, nokucinga ngazo) kwicala lakhe, selidlulile ixesha.
Khona kutheni ndilibalisela eli bali? Kusenokubonakala, kwakhona, ndilapha ukuze ndikugwebe okanye ndikuphoxe. Andingo. Enyanisweni, ndicinga ukuba ukuxhoma kwiintloni yenye yeendlela ezimbi kakhulu zokukhula ngaphaya kwalo mbandela. Iintloni ziyakubamba.
Ndibalisa ibali lam kwiindidi ezimbini zabantu apha: abo bangatshatanga, kunye nabo bakubudlelwane bexesha elide. Ukuba awutshatanga, kwaye ufuna ubudlelwane bexesha elide obunempilo kwixesha elizayo, kuya kufuneka ulwe eli dabi ngoku, ngaphambi kokuba ulizise emtshatweni okanye kwintsebenziswano. Kuya kunya ngokupheleleyo umphefumlo wobudlelwane bakho. Kwaye nantoni na eyenye oyenzayo, nokuba unobubele kangakanani, okanye uhlekisayo, okanye unomtsalane, iya konakaliswa ngumgama owubekayo phakathi kwakho nomnye umntu obalulekileyo.
Ukuba utshatile okanye ukwintsebenziswano yexesha elide, kwaye iqabane lakho liyazi malunga nemiba yakho, amagama angenanto, ngakumbi xa amagama efika kuphela. emva iqabane lakho lijongene nawe (kwaye lijongene, kwaye lijongene) nawe. Kuya kufuneka ujongane nale nto ngokukhawuleza ukuze iqabane lakho lithembe iinjongo zakho zexesha elide. Nyaniseka kwaye ngaphambili kunye neqabane lakho / umfazi / nabani na. Kodwa yenze ngaphakathi kwimeko yobudlelwane bakho. Usenokungakulungeli ukuva ukuba uyasokola ngephonografi ukuba shushu kunobudlelwane bezesondo. Ukubaluleka kwakhe kusenokuba akakakulungeli ukuyithatha. Kodwa ukuba uza kuba neentlobano zesini naye okwethutyana, mxelele oko. Mxelele ukuba ayinguye, kodwa udinga ixesha kunye nendawo. Ukuze ube liqabane elingcono kubomi bakho bonke kunye, udinga ixesha ngoku lokuphinda usebenze ingqondo yakho kwaye ufumane i-shit yakho kunye.
FUMANA IZIZATHU ZAKHO, UZE UBE IGODI
Uloyiko lokuphulukana neqabane lakho ayisosizathu esaneleyo sokutshintsha. Ayinakukugcina ixesha elide. Ufuna izizathu ezizezakho, inkuthazo ezidlulela ngaphaya “kufuneka ndiyeke kungenjalo uyakuhamba.” Kufuneka ufumane i-WHY yakho. Kungcono ukuba WHY yakho 'ilungile' kwaye yeyakho (umz. “Ndifuna ukuba nobudlelwane obungcono kunye nokwabelana ngesondo.”)
Unokuyijonga le ngxaki njengento ekhobokisayo kwaye uxhome umnqwazi wakho elunqulweni ukuze ikuncede (kwaye andinkqonkqozi inkolo apha) kodwa ngokwenjenjalo, uyakuphepha ukunyathela ekuthabatheni uxanduva koku ngokwakho. Ikuvumela ukuba uphume ngokulula "Ndonakele, kwaye ke ndidinga uncedo lukaThixo" okanye "Ndilikhoboka, kwaye ke andikwazi kuzilawula."
Nguwe ozilawulayo. Kwaye lo mbandela awubonakalisi ukuzithemba kwakho. Ndiyakubongoza ukuba uyibone, endaweni yoko, njengotshaba. Kwaye ulwa nayo.
Xa uwile, xa utyibilika, yeka ukukubona njengokusilela komntu. Kunoko, yihlalutye njengegorha. Buphi ubuthathaka kumgca? Babethe phezulu. Utshaba lunamandla angaphaya kwakho phi? Kulumkele oko (umzekelo, ukuba icacile i-Facebook iyakuxhokonxa, susa isihogo kuyo, ixesha.) kwaye uphinde udibanise. Uyinjengele kunye negorha. Ulijoni kunye nengcali. Jonga i-PMO njengotshaba ebomini bakho, kumtshato wakho (okwangoku okanye kwixesha elizayo) kwaye ulwe imfazwe ngokufanelekileyo. Zivumele ukuba ujonge yonke into ngokucokisekileyo, kunokuba 'ubekho' ukusilela ngakunye njengokubonakalisa kwakho. Ayiyo. AWUKHO lo. Unamandla ngaphezu koku. Unako ukuyoyisa. Kodwa kufuneka uphakamise intloko yakho edabini, kwaye ulwe ngokufanelekileyo.
Kuya kubakho amaxesha apho phantse lonke ithemba lilahlekile. Ngaloo maxesha, beka umboniso bhanyabhanya owuthandayo wedabi okanye umboniso weTV (nantoni na esuka eBhabhiloni 5 amaxesha 3 kunye 4 ukuya Terminator. Nantoni na edada isikhephe sakho). Jonga i-porn kunye ne-fapping njengotshaba lwakho. Tsala umva, uhlalutye izixhobo zakho, ukhuseleko lwakho. Phefumla. Hlaziya isicwangciso sakho.
Fumana isizathu sakho soloyiso. Kwaye uqonde ukuba njengehlabathi lethu lokwenyani, uloyiso alunakuze luphele. Ilizwe elomeleleyo, igorha, isizathu, kufuneka lihlale lizazi iintshaba eziya kuyilwa nalo. Ngokuhamba kwexesha, amandla akho aya kukuthwala, kwaye ukubetha izitshizi kuya kufana naxa uNeo ekwazi “ukubona” yonke into ekwiMatrix: ngaphandle komgudu.
Yiba nentliziyo. Hlala womelele. Kwaye yenze ngokukhawuleza kunokuba kamva.
Ixesha alilindelanga mntu.
;