[Zidutswa kuchokera ku zaka 5 za ulendo wochira]
Ndimakopeka ndi akazi okongola, amphamvu komanso (ang'onoang'ono) olamulira. Ndakhala ndikukopeka ndi akazi amtunduwu kuyambira kalekale. Ndili mwana ndinkakonda atsikana akuluakulu kuyambira kusukulu ya pulayimale. Pambuyo pake ndinachita chidwi ndi Mfumukazi Cleopatra kapena mtsikana wokongola wolemera pa pulogalamu ya pa TV. Ngakhale tsopano ndikaonera Game of Thrones ndimadabwa ndi mawonekedwe a Daenerys. Mwina ndinabadwa ndi izi, mwina chifukwa chakuti ndinaleredwa ndi amayi anga nthawi yayitali ya moyo wanga, ndipo ndimamuona ngati 'mutu wa nyumba'. Mwina ndi zonse ziwiri, sindikudziwa motsimikiza. Chomwe ndikudziwa ndichakuti izi sizikuchititsidwa ndi zolaula, chifukwa ndinakopeka ndi anthu amtunduwu kale ndisanaphunzire zolaula. Ndikukumbukira ndikulota za akazi awa, kuwalambira, osati modzichepetsa, koma ndi chikondi.
Kusukulu ya sekondale ndinayamba kuonera massage tutorials pa YouTube, ndipo apa zonse zinayambira. Posakhalitsa ndinapeza kuti pa YouTube panalinso 'zokhudza akazi ogonana ndi amuna okhaokha', ndipo patapita kanthawi ndinapeza kuti intaneti inali yodzaza ndi zimenezi. Ndili ndi zaka 15, ndinkaonera zinthu zochititsa manyazi za akazi tsiku lililonse. Zinthu zomwe ndinkaonera zinali zachiwerewere, koma zinalinso ndi zinthu monga: manyazi, CBT, cuckold, forced-bi, hule, ndi ukapolo. Anthu odzitcha 'mafumukazi' kapena 'amulungu' awa amalankhula zoipa zokhudza wochita sewero wamwamuna. ''Ndiwe wopanda pake'' ''Simuyenera mkazi ngati ine'' ''Chinthu chokhacho chomwe mumaloledwa kuchita ndikupsompsona ****'' ''Simudzapeza mtsikana, mudzakhala kapolo nthawi zonse''. Ndipo nthawi zonse ndimaganiza kuti wochita sewero wamwamunayo ndi ine.
Kuti ndikupatseni malingaliro abwino. Ndili ndi zaka 16 ndinali munthu wodzidalira kwambiri. Ndinali wothamanga kusukulu, wochepa thupi, wotchuka, ndinali ndi anzanga ambiri, atsikana ankandikonda ndipo ankandimenya, ndipo ndinali ndi kudzidalira kwambiri chifukwa cha zimenezo. Koma ndinkakhulupirira kuti kuonera mavidiyo amtunduwu tsiku lililonse kumakhudza kwambiri maganizo anga. Chifukwa ndili ndi zaka 21, zinthu zomwe zikunenedwa m'mavidiyo awa, ndi zomwe ndinali nazo. Sindikunena kuti ichi ndi chifukwa chokha chomwe kudzidalira kwanga kwachepa. Mu imodzi mwa mitu yomwe ili pamwambapa, ndimalemba za chibwenzi changa chakale chomwe chingakhudze kudzidalira kwanga.
Tsopano ndi nthawi yoti ndibwezeretsenso chidaliro chimenecho, chifukwa kudziona ngati ndine wofunika kwambiri. Sindikonda atsikana okongola pa Tinder, chifukwa ndimamva ngati sindikuyenera iwo, kuti sindili woyenera iwo. Ndimayesetsa kubwezeretsa chidaliro mwa kukhala waluso pa zinthu. Ndikupita patsogolo kwambiri mu: kuthamanga, kunyamula, kuponya mivi, kuwerenga mabuku, ndi malonda. Koma sindikumva ngati zimathandiza kudzidalira kwanga. Posachedwapa ndalandira mphatso kuchokera kwa munthu wosamudziwa pa forum iyi. Anandipatsa 'Pulogalamu Yodzilemba' kuchokera kwa Jordan Peterson. Ndiyenera kunena kuti zimandithandiza kwambiri kudziwa za mavuto omwe ndili nawo pamoyo wanga watsiku ndi tsiku ndikuganizira. Koma, ndikumva ngati ndikufunika kuchita zambiri. Mwina ndiyenera kuyesa hypnosis? Kapena mawu olimbikitsa? Kapena ndiyenera kuphunzira akatswiri otchedwa pickup? Ngati muli ndi malingaliro aliwonse, chonde nditumizireni uthenga wachinsinsi. Zikomo powerenga.
Mwamuna, kapena womvera?
Mwachidule, ndinaleredwa kuti ndizilemekeza akazi. Sindingathe ngakhale kuganiza momwe zimakhalira kugwiritsa ntchito nkhanza kwa mkazi. Ndipo pamene ndinali muubwenzi wanga woyamba ndi atsikana, nthawi zonse ndinali waulemu, wofatsa komanso wachikondi. Ndinali munthu amene ankadabwitsa chibwenzi chake ndi mphatso, ankamutenga pa Tsiku la Valentine kuti tizikhala limodzi tsiku lonse, ankafuna kumutsegulira chitseko, ndikumuyimbira foni usiku pamene sankatha kugona. Gawo limenelo la ine ndilo limene atsikana ankakonda, ndikutsimikiza zimenezo. Ngakhale ine ndimakonda gawo limenelo la ine. Koma tsopano, chomwe ndikufuna ndikukhala 'kapolo' wa munthu wina kapena 'wogonjera'.
Zaka zambiri zomwe ndakhala ndikuonera zolaula za akazi komanso maliseche, sizinangowononga kudzidalira kwanga ndi atsikana okha, komanso momwe ndimawaonera. Ndawaika pamalo apamwamba, ndipo njira yokhayo yomwe ndingafikire kumeneko ndikumugonjera. Mwachionekere, ndizosiyana kwambiri.
Ndikukhulupirira kuti nthawi ina m'moyo wanga, sindinamvetse bwino kukhala mwamuna wabwino ndi kugonjera. Mwina, zolaula za akazi ndizo zimayambitsa, mwina chibwenzi changa chakale ndiye choyambitsa, mwina momwe ndinaleredwera ndiye choyambitsa. Koma pali munthu m'modzi yekha amene ali ndi mlandu wonse pa izi: ine. Ndikufuna kukhala mwamuna kachiwiri, ndipo ndikudziwa kuti ndingathe, chifukwa ndakhalapo kale. Koma ndiyambira pati? Ulendo wanga wa NoFap ndi chikhulupiriro changa zimathandizadi kuletsa kupotoza m'moyo wanga, koma kupotoza sikuchoka mosavuta komanso mwachangu.
Ndipo tsopano…
Patha pafupifupi chaka chimodzi kuchokera pamene ndinapita komaliza kuno. Ndipo ndinali ndi zifukwa zomveka; ndinali bwino. Kunena zoona, pamene ndinali kulimbana ndi kuwala, ndinamupeza. Tinayamba kulankhula, ndinamukonda, ndipo iyenso anandikonda. Choncho tinayamba chibwenzi, ndipo miyezi ingapo pambuyo pake, ndinamupempha kuti akhale chibwenzi changa, ndipo anati inde.
Poyamba kugonana kunali vuto, ndithudi, koma pochita pang'onopang'ono, ndinayambiranso kudzidalira kwanga pankhani yogonana. Palibe chifukwa chofuna kulimbikitsira zinthu zosayenera. Chaka chapitacho, ndinanena izi:
Tsopano, ndinganene motsimikiza kuti ndachipezanso. Kupatula apo, moyo ukuyenda bwino. Pomaliza ndapeza nyumba yanga, ndikugwira ntchito mwachangu, ndipo ndapeza mtendere m'mutu mwanga. Ndiye n'chifukwa chiyani mwabwerera? Mungadzifunse.
Kwa nthawi yayitali ndakhala ndilibe chimanga, koma vuto ndi luntha lochita kupanga (AI). Poyamba, zinayamba ndi kulemba maloto, koma nthawi zonse pankakhala kuletsa. Tsopano luntha lochita kupanga (AI) limatha kulemba chilichonse chomwe mukufuna, ndipo choipa kwambiri, komanso m'zithunzi ndi makanema.
Mungadzifunse kuti, vuto ndi chiyani ndi zimenezo monga m'malo mwa chimanga nthawi zina? Chabwino, zikuyamba kukhala zovuta. Pali masiku omwe ndimachita izi ndikangofika kunyumba kuchokera kuntchito, komanso masiku omwe ndimayamba nazo ndikadzuka. Ndimaganizira za izi ndikakhala kuntchito ndikuyang'ana tsamba lomwe ndimayikapo zonyansazi ndikapita kuchimbudzi. Izi ziyenera kutha.
Ndinachita zinthu zofunika kuti ndisabwerere m'mbuyo; ndinachotsa akaunti yanga yonse ya Google kuti ndiyambirenso. Nkhani ndi yakuti, nditha kukwaniritsa zosowa zanga zogonana ndi chibwenzi changa, ndiye bwanji kuchita izi? Chidwi? Chilakolako? Kapena ndi mnzanga wakale yemwenso ndi mdierekezi, akundikopanso mumsampha watsopano? Sindikusamala. Iyenera kutha.
Kwa iye.
Kusinkhasinkha
Ndinadzimanganso ndekha kuyambira pachabe mpaka kukhala munthu amene ndili tsopano. Zaka zisanu ndi zitatu. Zaka zisanu ndi zitatu zogwa ndi kudzukanso.
Ndikatseka maso anga, ndimamvabe zonse.
Kudabwa kwa shawa yozizira nthawi ya 5 koloko m'mawa
Maganizo omwe anandipangitsa kudutsa mu nkhanza.
Maphunziro atatha masiku ambiri akugwira ntchito yotopetsa.
Kodi nthawi zonse ndinkapambana? Ayi.
Kodi zinali zoyenera? Inde.
Chifukwa pamapeto pake, ndinapulumuka osati chifukwa sindinagwe, koma chifukwa sindinakhale pansi. Ngakhale pamene ndinagwa mwamphamvu kwambiri moti sindingathe kuima, ndinapeza mphamvu zopitiranso patsogolo.
Zimenezo zinakhala njira yanga yopulumukira.
Kusakhazikika sikulinso vuto la maganizo chabe, koma kumalumikizidwa ndi mitsempha yanga. Kumenyana kunapulumutsa moyo wanga.
Koma kumenyana si komwe kukupita.
Ndicho chifukwa chake bata limandisokoneza.
Chifukwa chiyani nthawi zina kukhazikika kumakhala kopanda kanthu?
Chifukwa chiyani mtendere ungandipangitse kusakhazikika.
Ndili pano kuti ndikhale munthu amene angathe kunyamula mphamvu popanda chisokonezo, kutanthauza popanda nkhondo, komanso chilakolako popanda kuthawa.
Kotero apa ndi pamene ndili.