ndi Mark Chamberlain PhD
Mukufuna kugwirizana ndi munthu wina? Nazi malangizo anu: werengani ndikubwezeretsani. Werengani chizindikiro kuchokera kwa iwo (m'malo mosanyalanyaza izo), kenaka kambiranani mwa kutumiza mbendera yanu (osati kuchita nokha, popanda zomwe adachita). Werengani ndi kuwongolera, Ndizophweka ngati zimenezo.
Eya, pali chinthu china chowonjezera: kubwereza.
Kotero, tiyeni tiyike pamodzi palimodzi, apa ikupita: kuwerenga, kubwereza, nthawi zikwi khumi. Chabwino, izo zingatenge kanthawi. Koma zidzakhala zabwino. Mukangowonjezera, mumakhala mgwirizano wamphamvu.
Sikuti ine sindinapange malangizo awa, sindinasowe kuwauza iwo. Sitikuphunzira kulumikizana ndi okondedwa athu okondedwa motere, timachita mwachibadwa. Tinadziwa luso kuyambira tili mwana ndipo takhala tikuchichita kuyambira nthawi imeneyo.
Mu 1975, katswiri wa zamaganizo wotchuka Ed Tronick anawonetsa kuti ngakhale makanda achita masewerawa. Poona momwe amai ndi ana awo amachitira chidwi, anadabwa kuti zikanatani ngati atakhala ndi amayi akuyang'anitsitsa nkhope zawo pamaso pa makanda awo.
Kuti abwezeretsenso mgwirizano, ana mu phunziro la Tronick amayesa kubwezeretsa amayi awo osamvera. Ankadandaula kwambiri ndipo ankatulutsa makoti awo ambiri. Pamene malingaliro opanda kanthu analipobe, anawo 'anavutika kwambiri mpaka kufika posimidwa.
Tengani maminiti angapo kuti muwone izi kanema wa kuyesera pang'ono kwa Tronick. Zindikirani zomwe zikuchitika mkati mwanu monga momwe mukuchitira.
Kotero, izi zikukhudzana bwanji ndi zolaula?
Malingana ndi sayansi yopititsa patsogolo anthu, John Bowlby, dongosolo lothandizira lobadwa lomwelo limapanga ntchito yake yofunikira yokhudzana ndi ife okondedwa, osati kokha pamene ife tiri aang'ono, koma "njira yonse kuyambira pa kubadwa mpaka kumanda."
Pofuna kukonda ndi kumverera kukondedwa ndi wokondedwa, tikuyenera kudutsa momwemo tomwe tinachitira kale: kuwerenga, kubwereza, ndi kubwereza. Ndipo kotero, ad infinitum.
Chifukwa chakuti timakopeka ndi okondedwa athu, ndife okonzeka kugwirizanitsa ndi kupezeka zizindikiro zomwe akutumiza.
Pakati penipeni pamtima mulivi wokhotakhotakhota womwe umalozera kwa mnzanga komanso chizindikiro chomwe akutumiza. Ndondomeko yomwe kampasi yanga ya madola awiri inatha kutengera chizindikiro kuchokera kumpoto kwa Pole pamene ndinali mnyamata wa Scout.
Wamphamvu ndi wodalirika monga North Pole ndi, mchimwene wanga wamkulu adachokera ku wizardly feat. Anatha kubwezeretsa mzerewo. Anabweretsa maginito pafupi ndi kampasi mpaka mpaka!
Kotero (ahem!), Izi zikukhudzana bwanji ndi zolaula?
Tonsefe takula tsopano, koma mivi yathu yazing'onoting'ono ya maginito yaying'ono. Sikuti nthawi zonse zimalowera ku chiyanjano chathu chokhazikika cha umunthu. Zimacitika tikabweretsa zazikulu neodymium magnet zolaula?
Boing!
Apa ndi momwe zimakhalira kwa maanja omwe ndimawawona ndikuchita:
Ngakhale asanamve kuti anali kuonera zolaula, zimamuwona ngati chinachake chasintha. Iye ankawoneka ...
- osokonezeka,
- osamvetsa chisoni komanso oleza mtima,
- mosavuta,
- yosokonezeka maganizo.
Iye samvera. Munthu wamkulu wamkulu wofanana ndi mayi ameneyo muvidiyoyi ndi akadakali pano.
Chinachitika ndi chiyani?
Kwa mwamuna, palibe chizindikiro chimanyamula wallop yaikulu kuposa kulemba kuti iye wakondweretsa mkazi yemwe wasiya kugonana kwake.
Mu moyo weniweni, zopindulitsa izi sizibwera popanda ndalama zambiri. Njirayi imafuna kuleza mtima ndi khama kwambiri komanso kuthandizira. Muyenera kuwerenga ndi kuyankha ndi kubwereza, kuwerenga ndi kuyankha ndi kubwereza. Sikutanthauza kukwaniritsa.
Ndipo komabe, m'mbiri yonse yakale komanso m'mabuku onse, nyimbo, ndi luso, pali zokondwerera kwambiri zosangalatsa za chilakolako chimenechi kusiyana ndi kukulira mofulumira. Kubwera ndi kokoma paulendo, kutsekemera kwambiri kwa ludzu.
Zovuta, zosavuta kuzipeza komanso zokondweretsa, zimatulutsa mkati mwa ife malingaliro abwino omwe mwachibadwa timalakalaka, koma popanda zovuta za ubale weniweni.
Ndiye bwanji osakweza katunduyo? Ndiye, mukangolowa mmenemo, bwanji mukubwerera ku chinthu chenichenicho? Nthawizonse?
Otsatsa anga omwe amagwira ntchito molimbika kuti abwerere andiuze chifukwa chake: Palibe moyo kumeneko. Zonsezi zatha. Palibe kubwereza, palibe kuphatikiza. Zonsezi ndizosafuna. Zili ngati kupeza code yachinyengo ku masewera omwe mumawakonda kwambiri ndi masewera ogwira ntchito, maulendo apanyumba, ndi mabowo mumodzi. Zimamveka bwino poyamba, osapitirira nthawi ngati ubongo umalembetsa kuti ulibe tanthauzo.
Ndiponso, izo zimakusintha iwe. Popanda kuyanjana, timasamala kwambiri. Pamsonkhano womwe ndinaphunzitsa ku Boston, mmodzi mwa ophunzirawo adatchulapo chimodzi mwa zionetsero zake zolaula-omwe ankakonda kwambiri makasitomala: "Moy Loyf ali ndi dyown the cryappa fyasta kuposa momwe ndingathe lyowa moy styandads."
Mwinamwake zotsatira zovulaza kwambiri pa zolaula pazithunzi: timasiyiratu kukhudzidwa kwathu ndi wokondedwa weniweni ndipo zizindikiro zomwe akutumiza sizitenganso chidwi chathu. Monga Gail Dines adanena m'buku lake, Pornland, zithunzi zolaula "zimaphunzitsa amuna kuti azitha kukhumudwa ndi amayi" (2010, 74).
Zithunzi zolaula zimayambitsa chiyanjano chokhala ndi thanzi labwino. Nazi momwemo Naomi Wolf akuti: "M'malo mokakamiza achinyamata anyamata olaula, atsikana akudandaula kuti monga thupi ndi magazi, iwo sangathe kupeza, osawasiya, amawasamalira."
Poyankha yankho la Wolf, imodzi wowerenga adafotokoza: "Monga bambo, sindimakonda kwenikweni kuti kugonana kwanga kumandipangitsa kukhala chizindikiritso chosavuta. Izi zikufotokozera zina mwa zokopa zolaula. Zimayimira mtundu wa ufulu womwe sitinakhalepo nawo kale. Titha kuthana ndi kufooka kwathu ... pochotsa azimayi enieni ku equation ndipo pachiwopsezo chowongoleredwa komanso kuchititsidwa manyazi. ”
Adzakhala bwino kuti kuthetsa bwino chinthu chimodzi kungasinthe mgwirizano, ngati kugonana kungakhale kugwirizana. Komabe, ngati sichiri chiyanjano, koma chiyanjano-chiyanjano-ndiye tikuyenera kuchiyika mu malo ammunsi a kuyankha mwachidwi.
Mark Chamberlain, PhD
Author: Kukonda Inu, Kudana ndi Zithunzi
Mtsogoleri Wachipatala
Kuthandizira uphungu
www.archcounseling.com
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