Kugonana ndimodzi mwazinthu zowonekera kwambiri pakati pa anthu awiri. Mumadzivula mumaliseche, mwakuthupi komanso mwamalingaliro, ndikuwonetsa mbali zanu zakuya kwambiri. Komabe, pamene mgwirizano ndi mnzanu umatha, mumakhala osatetezeka pabedi, ndipo mutha kutembenukira ku zolaula - osati chifukwa cha chikondi, koma kukhutiritsa chilakolako chogonana.
Kugwiritsira ntchito zolaula m'malo mwa kugonana m'moyo weniweni kuli ngati kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza chilakolako chofuna kukhala pachibwenzi, kapena kugwirizana. Ngati zolaula zimagwiritsidwa ntchito nthawi yayitali, ikhoza kukhala njira yokhayo yomwe munthu angadzutse, ndipo chiwonongeko sichitha kanthu kokha kuti chikhumbo chikhale chokwaniritsa.
Anthu ena omwe adakula ndi intaneti komanso omwe apeza zolaula kuyambira ali aang'ono amakhalabe anamwali, ndipo sadayambe kugonana kapena kuukitsa kunja kwa makompyuta kapena mafoni awo. Zoonadi, ndizosavuta kumvetsetsa ndi kanema pamakompyuta kuposa munthu weniweni wokhala ndi zosowa komanso zofuna. Kumbali inayi, anthu omwe ali mu kanema sangathe kuyankha kwa owona, kaya mwamaganizo kapena mwathupi.
Chochitika chomwe chikudziwika kuti "kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha" chimafotokoza za munthu yemwe amakonda zogonana. Kodi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi njira yatsopano yosonyezera kugonana, kapena kodi ndi chizindikiro chongogwiritsa ntchito kubisa kuopa kukondana?
1. Kukwera kwa Zachiwerewere: Mbiri Yachidule Yogonana pa Webusaiti
Mu nthawi ya digito, sizodabwitsa kuti kupezeka kwa zolaula zaulere pa intaneti kwapangitsa kuti anthu azitha kupeza njira zothetsera mavuto awo mosavuta. Mwachitsanzo, mu 2016 Year in Review ya Pornhub , tsamba ili lidalandira maulendo 23 biliyoni; ndiko kuti, anthu 729 pa sekondi imodzi, kapena 64 miliyoni patsiku. Yerekezerani zimenezo ndi chaka cha 1991 intaneti isanayambike; panali magazini ochepera 90 a zolaula ku US, ndipo tsopano pali malo opitilira 2.5 miliyoni a zolaula otsekedwa ndi CYBERsitter, fyuluta yoyambirira ya intaneti.
Tonsefe timadziwa amuna ambiri kuposa akazi omwe amaonera zolaula. Kafukufuku wa mu 2014 ku JAMA adapeza kuti 66 peresenti ya amuna onse ndi 41 peresenti ya akazi onse amaonera zolaula kamodzi pamwezi. Kusiyana kumeneku kulipo chifukwa chikhalidwe chachikulu cha ku US chikuwoneka kuti chimapangitsa kuti amuna azionera zolaula mosavuta komanso moyenera, ndipo izi zimawonjezera mwayi woti aziulula kugwiritsa ntchito.
Akatswiri ambiri ofufuza apeza mfundo yakuti: Amuna amatha kuonera zolaula.
Ubongo wa amuna umakonzedwa kuti ukhale ndi chilakolako chosavuta, zomwe zikutanthauza kuti nthawi iliyonse akawona mwayi wogonana, amakhala okonzeka. M'bukuli, A Billion Wicked Thoughts , olemba Oi Ogas ndi Sai Gaddam amanena kuti mitundu yambiri ya amuna imakhudzidwa ndi zinthu zachilendo. Izi zimathandiza kufotokoza chifukwa chake zolaula za okonda kuonera zolaula ndizodziwika kwambiri; zimaphatikizapo zizindikiro zenizeni komanso zachilendo. Chifukwa chake, zolaula zaulere pa intaneti zimapereka njira yabwino yopezera mwayi wogonana ndi amuna kudzera muzokopa zowoneka.
Izi ndizodziwika kuti sizidziwika kuti zimaperekedwa ndi zithunzi zolaula pa Intaneti zomwe zapangitsa kuti anthu ambiri azidziwika ngati zolaula.
"Kusavuta kugwiritsa ntchito intaneti popanda ntchito, kufooka, ubwenzi, ndi kulumikizana ndi ena kungakhale kosangalatsa kwa ena," Christene Lozano , katswiri wodziwa za mabanja ndi mabanja, katswiri wodziwa za kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo, komanso woyambitsa Meraki Counseling ku Glendora, California, adauza Medical Daily.
Kawirikawiri amuna ambiri amagwiritsa ntchito zolaula, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti azidziwika ngati zolaula kuposa akazi.
Kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumasiyana ndi machitidwe ena azakugonana chifukwa ndimakhalidwe omwe amaphunzitsidwa omwe alibe ubale wolumikizana ndi anthu. Kuonera zolaula pafupipafupi kumawonjezera chiwopsezo chotenga chiwerewere, atero a Lozano, pomwe wowonayo amasokoneza ubongo ndi thupi lawo kuti athetse zolaula zomwe zimalimbikitsa kwambiri. Chilichonse chomwe chimagonjetsedwa, kugwiritsidwa ntchito mopitirira muyeso, ndi kuzunzidwa, chimatha kupanga chizolowezi.
Kwa anthu akuluakulu pafupifupi asanu mpaka asanu ndi atatu pa zana , kugwiritsa ntchito zolaula kumatha kukhala khalidwe loledzera.
2. Ubongo Wanu Pa Zithunzi: Kodi Ndizochuluka Kwambiri?
Kafukufuku wambiri wasonyeza kuti kugwiritsa ntchito zolaula kumatha kusintha ubongo , kusintha kapangidwe kake ndi magwiridwe antchito ake, ndikuwonjezera mwayi woti munthu azichita zinthu zosokoneza bongo. Dopamine, yomwe ndi neurotransmitter, imakhala yogwira ntchito kwambiri mukamaonera zolaula, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti munthu ayambe kuchita dopaminergic. Uwu ndi neurotransmitter yomwe imakupatsani chikhumbo chofuna kudzisangalatsa, pamene kuchuluka kwa dopamine kumawonjezeka poyankha zomwe munthu akuyembekezera komanso zomwe akuyembekezera.
Kugwiritsa ntchito zolaula ngati njira yokhayo yosangalalira pogonana kungapangitse kuti ubongo usamasangalale ndi zinthu zomwe zimafunika pa mphoto. Mu kafukufuku wa 2014 , wofalitsidwa mu JAMA Psychiatry , ofufuza aku Germany adachita ma scan a ubongo pa owonera zolaula. Adapeza kuti kusintha kwa ubongo kumagwirizana ndi kuchuluka kwa zolaula zomwe munthu amaonera. Izi zikutanthauza kuti akamaonera kwambiri, ntchitoyo imachepa m'malo opezera mphoto mu ubongo wawo zithunzi zogonana zitawonekera pazenera.
Ubongo umayamba kufuna dopamine yambiri nthawi iliyonse ikayang'ana zolaula kuti umve zotsatira zake. Nthawi zina, ubongo umatha "kufooka", womwe umalepheretsa kupanga dopamine, ndikusiya wowonayo akufuna zochulukirapo osatha kuzipeza. Izi zitha kupangitsa kuti munthuyo aziwonera zolaula zambiri kuti azitengera "pamwamba" zomwezo nthawi yoyamba.
Umu ndi momwe ubongo wa munthu wokonda zolaula nthawi zambiri umayerekezeredwa ndi wa munthu wokonda mankhwala osokoneza bongo kapena chidakwa. Kafukufuku wa 2014 ku Cambridge University wofalitsidwa mu magazini ya PLOS ONE adapeza kuti ventral striatum - kapangidwe ka ubongo komwe kamagwira ntchito mu malo opatsa mphotho muubongo, komwe amadziwikanso kuti njira zake zosangalalira - kanayamba kuwala pamene munthu woledzera adawona chithunzi cha chakumwa. Mwa anthu omwe amakonda zolaula, kafukufukuyu adapeza kuti ubongo umachita zinthu zofanana: owonera amafuna zolaula kwambiri, koma sanazisangalale nazo kwambiri.
Amanda Pasciucco , katswiri wodziwa za ukwati ndi mabanja, katswiri wodziwa za kugonana, komanso wolemba Playtime: Not Just for Children , akuvomereza kuti anthu odzitcha kuti ndi ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ali pachiwopsezo chokonda zolaula.
"Anthu okonda kugonana amasangalala ndi chisangalalo chawo chonse chogonana okhaokha m'malo mogawana," iye adauza Medical Daily.
Komabe, izi sizikutanthauza kuti anthu onse amene amasangalala ndi zolaula ndizo zolaula.
Pasciucco akulangizani kuti muwonetsetse kuti zolaula sizinthu zokha zogonana. M'malo mwake, mukhoza kuika maganizo anu pa kulingalira ndi kugonana maliseche mwa kutchula malingaliro anu poganiza popanda kuyang'ana zolaula zilizonse.
Zithunzi zingakhale zothandiza pofufuza zilakolako za kugonana, koma kugwiritsidwa ntchito kosayenera kungawononge ubongo.
Vuto si zolaula, ndi momwe mumasankhira kuzigwiritsa ntchito.
3. Kusankha Zachiwerewere Kugonana IRL: Masking Zovuta
Anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amavomereza kuti amasiya kuonera zolaula m'malo mogonana ndi munthu wina. Kafukufuku waposachedwa womwe unaperekedwa pa Msonkhano Wapachaka wa 112th Annual Scientific wa American Urological Association adapeza kuti kuonera zinthu zojambulidwa ndi X kungapangitse amuna kulephera kugonana ndi anthu enieni. Kuphatikiza apo, pafupifupi amuna anayi pa 100 aliwonse adavomereza kuti amakonda kuseweretsa maliseche kuposa kugonana ndi munthu wina.
Zithunzi zolaula sizinapezeke mosavuta kuposa pano, ndipo amuna ambiri amawona chidwi chongodina "mbewa" kuti adziyese okha - palibe chofunikira. Masamba ojambulidwa ndi X monga PornHub amakulolani kuti musinthe zolaula momwe mumakondera, zomwe zimakupatsani mwayi wosintha zomwe mumakonda, monga kutalika, utoto wa tsitsi, mtundu, zaka, ndi zomwe amakonda komanso zomwe sakonda pabedi. Achiwerewere amawona kugonana ngati khama, pomwe kugonana pagulu pamaso pazenera sikuyesetsa, kupatula kuvula mathalauza anu.
Komabe, ndizoposa kungokhala kosavuta komwe kumakopa amuna ndi akazi ena. Ogwiritsa ntchito zolaula amapewa dala kuthana ndi nkhawa yolankhula ndi bwenzi lawo komanso kukana kukanidwa. Amakonda kubisa kusatetezeka kwawo pogonana m'zipinda zawo - okha.
"Tsoka ilo, pazaka zanga zogwiritsira ntchito zachiwerewere, kuda nkhawa ndikuopa kukanidwa kwapangitsa kuti anthu azidziwika kuti ndi achiwerewere," atero a Pasciucco.
Mu nkhani ya 2013 ya Thought Catalog , Marcus Jackson, yemwe adadzitcha yekha kuti ndi wogonana ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, analemba kuti:
"Ndikanati ndizisankha kukhala ndi moyo wanga kapena moyo wanga wonse, nditha kusankha zolaula tsiku lililonse."
Jackson adavomereza chikhulupiliro chofala chakuti moyo weniweni ungayambitse kukondana, kulumikizana, kukondana, ndi kukondana. Koma, kwa iye, adanenanso molimba mtima kuti akhala bwino popanda chikondi - ngakhale anali pachibwenzi zaka zingapo zapitazo. Jackson akufotokoza kuti ali pachibwenzi, koma onse adatha kuchoka, osati mwa kusankha kwake.
“Nthawi ina, onse akufuna kundisiya. Ndipo mfundoyi nthawi zonse imabwera nthawi yomweyo; pafupifupi masekondi 37 nditayamba kuganiza kuti tingakhale ndi chinthu 'chenicheni.' ”
Amavomereza zolaula, ndizosavuta, chifukwa zimachotsa zovuta zomwe zimadza ndi chibwenzi - kuda nkhawa ngati wina amakukondani kapena ayi; ngati mukubwera mwamphamvu kwambiri kapena mulibe mphamvu zokwanira; kapena kuyembekezera ndikuyembekeza kuti munthuyo adzakutumizirani mameseji kapena kukuyimbirani foni, kapena ngati angakubweretsereni meseji yanu kapena kuyimba foni. Kugonana kwa Jackson kumachitika chifukwa choopa kukhala pachiwopsezo komanso kukhala pachibwenzi. Monga momwe zinalili ndi iye, kupezeka kwa zolaula kwapangitsa kuti achiwerewere asayese kukakumana ndi anthu ena ndikulumikizana kwambiri.
Pasciucco akuwonjezera kuti: "Sakuyenera kuti azikhala m'malo ovuta kuti akhale olimba mtima kuti apite kukapempha ena kuti alumikizane nawo bwino. Izi zimawapangitsa kudzidalira, kuda nkhawa, kuchita mantha komanso kukanidwa. ”
Zonsezi, ngati wina wakhudzidwa, kuweruzidwa, kapena kukanidwa muukwati, izi zingakhale ngati zovuta kugwiritsira ntchito zolaula pa intaneti m'malo modziika panja.
Izi zikutanthauzidwa kuti ndizopewerana, ndipo zingayambitsenso chifukwa cha kusowa chibwenzi pakati pa ubwana.
4. Ubwana Umayambitsa Kugonana
Kudzizindikiritsa ngati munthu wogonana ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kungakhale chizindikiro chobisa kusadzidalira kwanu komwe kungachokere ku ubwana. Pali matenda mu DSM-V otchedwa " reactive attachment disorder ", vuto lomwe mwana amalandira chisamaliro chosasamala, ndipo samapanga ubale wabwino ndi osamalira ake oyamba - nthawi zambiri amayi - asanakwanitse zaka zisanu.
Akatswiri a zamaganizo, monga Dr. Fran Walfish , amakhulupirira kuti izi zingayambitse kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, komwe kumabisala kumbuyo kwa mantha okondana.
"Ena mwa anthuwa, osati onse, omwe sakhala ndi ubale wogwirizana, wobwezeretsa ubale pakapita nthawi, angadzizindikiritse okha ngati anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, chifukwa sangathe kupirira kapena kulekerera ubale wapamtima ndi wokondedwa wawo popeza sanakhalepo nawo," Walfish, katswiri wa zamaganizo wa banja la Beverly Hills komanso ubale, wolemba buku la The Self-Aware Parent , komanso wosewera naye, Sex Box pa WE TV, adauza Medical Daily.
Munthu wochita zolaula yemwe amadumphira mu bafa kuti adzichepetse yekha amangoona ngati kugonana, ndipo amaphunzitsa thupi lake kuti lichite zinthu zosasangalatsa popewera kugwirizana, ndi kumangogwedeza.
“Amalandidwa mayankho aubwenzi, ogwirizana ndi amayi; akusowa cholumikizira, "adatero Walfish.
Nanga bwanji iwo omwe ali pachibwenzi, amene nthawi ina ankafuna kugonana ndi anzawo, koma tsopano amakonda zosangalatsa?
5. Kugonana ndi Amuna Kapena Amuna
Pali maanja omwe akhala akuvutika ndi zolaula m'maubwenzi awo. Akazi angapo amavomereza kuti chibwenzi chawo kapena mwamuna wawo wataya chidwi chogonana, koma akadali ndi chilakolako chodziseweretsa maliseche. M'bukuli, The Sex-Starved Wife , wolemba Michele Weiner Davis akupereka chithunzithunzi chosangalatsa cha vuto lomwe likukula m'gulu la anthu: kugonana pa intaneti ndi kudzigonana ngati njira yolowa m'malo mwa kugonana kwa m'banja, kapena kugonana kwa IRL.
Mu mutu wachisanu, Davis akufotokoza momwe zolaula ndi maliseche zingayambitse kugonana pakati pa mabanja. Amuna angakhale otengeka ndi zolaula zonse pa intaneti ndi kunja, pomwe amayi ambiri sadziwa kuti chifukwa chiyani amuna awo amakonda kuchita maliseche kusiyana ndi kugonana nawo. Kumene kuli banja lokhala ndi chilakolako chofuna, palinso anthu omwe ali ndi zibwenzi.
Kukula kwa zolaula pakati pa maubwenzi kawirikawiri kumakhala chifukwa cha kusokonezeka kolankhulirana, malinga ndi Walfish.
"[T] nkhuku mwachangu kugonana kumapita ndikusoweka, ndiye chifukwa chomveka chofotokozera chifukwa chake kulumikizana ndikofunika kwambiri pazogonana," adatero.
Popanda kukondana, mnzanu aliyense akhoza kukhala wosungulumwa kwambiri muzochitikazo, ndichifukwa chake bukuli limatchedwa The Sex-Starved Wife.
Kafukufuku wa mu 2016 womwe unaperekedwa pamsonkhano wapachaka wa 111 wa American Sociological Association adapeza kuti kuonera zolaula kungakhudze kwambiri mabanja osangalala. Akatswiri a zachikhalidwe cha anthu ochokera ku yunivesite ya Oklahoma adati kuonera makanema a akuluakulu kumawonjezera chiopsezo cha kusudzulana kwa mabanja omwe sali achipembedzo kwambiri, okwatirana kumene, kapena osangalala m'banja lawo. Mwayi uwu unali wokwera pakati pa achinyamata.
Osadandaula, achinyamata a ku America amakonda kuona zolaula nthawi zambiri kuposa achikulire Achimereka. Komanso, anthu achikulire a ku America amakonda kukhala ndi mabanja okwanira chifukwa amayamba kukhala okhwima, okhwima ndalama, ndipo amakhala ndi nthawi yochulukirapo, mogwirizana ndi ochita kafukufukuwo.
"Chifukwa chake, tidaganiza kuti ndizomveka kuti zomwe zolaula zimasokoneza chisudzulo zikuchepa ndikukula," adatero.
Koma, izi sizikutanthauza kuti kuonera zolaula n’koipa paubwenzi — pang’onopang’ono. Kafukufuku wakale wofalitsidwa mu Archives of Sexual Behavior adapeza kuti kuonera zolaula pang’onopang’ono kunapangitsa amuna ndi akazi kunena kuti ali ndi moyo wokhutiritsa kwambiri wogonana komanso ali ndi malingaliro abwino pa kugonana ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo. Kuphatikiza apo, ofufuza adapeza kuti makanemawa akamakhala ovuta kwambiri, malingaliro awo pa kugonana amakhala abwino kwambiri.
Mabanja omwe sapeza zosangalatsa zawo zolaula angapindule mwa kufunafuna chithandizo ngati akufuna kuti agwire ntchito.
6. Kugonana Kwachiwerewere: Kodi Kumagwira Ntchito?
Pamwamba, kupeŵa kwapafupi sikuwoneka ngati matenda aakulu a thanzi, komabe, zimakhudza kwambiri umoyo wanu, zokolola zanu, ndi chimwemwe chanu chonse. Kukhalitsa chinsinsi cha ubalewu kungathandize anthu kutsogolera moyo wokhutira ndi wokhutiritsa mkati ndi kunja kwa chipinda. Komabe, mankhwalawa amathandiza ndi anthu omwe akufuna kusintha zilakolako zawo zogonana, osati omwe amasangalala ndi zofuna zawo zogonana.
Pasciucco, yemwe akuti ali ndi mwayi wopambana 100 pa anthu kapena maanja omwe akufuna kuthana ndi vutoli, avomereza kuti zonse zimadalira kufunitsitsa kwa wodwalayo kuchita bwino.
"Ndakhala ndi mwayi kuti aliyense amene wabwera pakhomo panga amafuna china chake kupatula kupitiriza kuchita zachiwerewere," adatero.
Ngati wina abwera, ndikufuna kuti mwamuna kapena mkazi wawo "asiye kuchita zachiwerewere," a Pasciucco avomereza kuti sangachite bwino kwenikweni.
Pochiza, Pasciucco amagawana zomwe amapitilira ndi kusiyana kwa magawo azokhumba pakati pa onse awiri. Amakambirana za njira zomwe onse amafunika kukwaniritsa ndi momwe zimapwetekera mnzake yemwe akuwona kuti wakanidwa chifukwa "ataya" kwa zolaula.
"Ngati awiriwa akufuna kukhala limodzi, tiyenera kupeza njira yoti afotokozere onse chikondi ndi chilakolako chogonana mwanjira ina iliyonse yomwe ndi yovomerezeka," adatero.
Therapy imatha kuchita bwino pakafunsidwa kuti igwire ntchito.
7. Kugonana: Kodi Ndi Njira Yotsatira Yogonana?
Kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha si kugonana komwe kungafanane ndikudziwika kuti ndi owongoka, ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Poterepa, chisangalalo chogonana sichimachokera kwa munthu "weniweni" pamasom'pamaso, koma kudzera munthawi yeniyeni. Achiwerewere amathabe kumverera kuti amalumikizana ndi ena, mwachinyengo, koma pakhoza kukhala cholepheretsa kulumikizaku ngati atasankha zolaula monga chibwenzi chawo chachikulu.
Kuwona zolaula ndi njira yothandiza kufufuza ndi kuphunzira zokhumba zokhudzana ndi kugonana, koma kudziletsa ndizofunikira. Zambiri mwazomwe zingathe kusokoneza bwino, ndi kuwononga thupi lanu ndi ubongo wanu, kukupangitsani kufuna kwambiri. Lingaliro lochotsa kugonana IRL ndi zolaula limaimira kusowa kwa chibwenzi ndi mantha ambiri.
Lawrence Siegel, katswiri wa zachiwerewere komanso mlangizi wa maphunziro a zachiwerewere ku Modern Sex Therapy Institutes , amakhulupirira kuti anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sakusonyeza chikondi chenicheni. Iye akunena kuti sakufuna kusiya chitetezo ndi zodziwika bwino za malo awo omasuka kuti akafune kuyanjana ndi anthu.
"Popeza kukhutitsidwa kwawo konse ndi kugonana ndi kudzikhutiritsa, sanaphunzirepo maluso osiyanasiyana ochezera anthu kuti apange ubale wabwino komanso wapamtima," adatero kwa Medical Daily.
Pali nkhani zokhudzana ndi chiyanjano zomwe zimayambitsidwa ndi zowawa zoyambirira, kaya ali mwana, kapena chibwenzi choyambirira, chomwe chimachitika patapita nthawi pamene chiwopsezo cha chibwenzi chimawonekera. Komabe, tsiku lirilonse, anthu amasonkhana pamodzi, kupanga maubwenzi ndi mgwirizano kuti akhale omasuka wina ndi mzake m'moyo.
Kugona pabedi, mwakuthupi komanso mwamalingaliro, kumatha kukhala kowopsa, makamaka popeza muli pachiwopsezo chachikulu, koma izi sizitanthauza kuti muyenera kusiya.
Walfish akufotokoza kuti dzina "latsopanoli" limabweretsa chisokonezo pagulu.
"Mwinamwake kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumakhala ndi tanthauzo loipa kwa munthuyo kuposa kunena kuti, 'Ndine chibwenzi phobe.'”