By Dorothy Hayden LCSW 04/28/16
Chisangalalo chogonana chochuluka ngati kuchoka ku zochitika zosafuna za mkati.
Kutsata ndondomekoyi yakhazikitsidwa bwino ndi zina zomwe zingakhale zovuta ndi zochitika (kutchova njuga, kugula, kudya, kumwa ndi kugwiritsa ntchito zinthu), malo atsopano ogonana pogwiritsa ntchito makina a intaneti adayambitsa vuto lina kwa anthu ndi anthu. Monga momwe zimakhalira ndi makhalidwe ena, anthu ambiri omwe amachita nawo zolaula (zolaula, mafilimu, mafilimu, chiwerewere, kutumizirana mauthenga achiwerewere, etc.) zimatero nthawi zina, kuti izi zikhale zosangalatsa zomwe zimasangalatsa osati monga wokhutiritsa monga kugwirizana kwambiri. Koma kwa ena, kuthekera kochita zinthu zogonana ndi anthu mosagula komanso mosadziwika kumatha kuwononga miyoyo ndi kuwononga maubwenzi enieni omwe ali ofanana ndi mitundu ina ya chizolowezi choledzeretsa. Dorothy Hayden wakhala akugwira ntchito ndi zibwenzi zokhudzana ndi kugonana kwa nthawi yaitali ngati kugonana kwabodza kwakhala kozungulira. Apa, iye akupereka phunziro lachidziwitso lomwe likuwunikira zambiri zomwe zimapangitsa kuti pulogalamuyi ikhale yovuta. Richard Richard, PsyD
Pamene Steve anabwera ku gawo lake loyambali ndi ine, anali wosasamala komanso wochepa thupi. Ndili ndi mutu, sanandiyang'ane maso ndipo, atakhala pampando, anali mkati ndikusowa kanthu kakang'ono koti ndinene. Pambuyo pake adalankhula kuti adakali pantchito ndipo mkazi wake adawatenga kuti asudzulane. Iye ankawoneka kuti anali ndi vuto lalikulu la kuzunzika pazowonongeka.
Steve adanena kuti kale adayamba kumwa mowa ndi mankhwala osokoneza bongo koma chifukwa cha ngozi yaikulu pantchito, iye anasiya kugwiritsa ntchito zinthu. Komabe, pa miyezi ingapo yotsatira, adapeza kuti zofuna zake kuti achite maliseche ziwonjezeke. Anapeza kuti ngati sakanachita izi, adzakhalabe "woopsa" tsiku lonse ndipo sangathe kuganizira ntchito yake kapena kumvetsera mkazi wake pamene adalankhula naye. Nthawi zonse ankangoganizira za kugonana kwake.
Steve analibe moyo wopanda kanthu, wopanda mphamvu, chidwi, kapena mphamvu yokondwera. Chinthu chokha chomwe chinamupangitsa iye kumverera molakwika chinali kugonana. Kwa miyezi ingapo mkazi wake atanena kuti akuchoka, adapeza kuti malingaliro ake ogonana ndi chilakolako chogonana ndi chiwerewere akukhala ovuta kwambiri. Anadziŵa kuti ngati samakhala ndi maliseche, adzalandira "tsiku" tsiku lonse, zomwe zingamuthandize kukhala wosasamala, wokhumudwa komanso wosakhutira.
Posakhalitsa, Steve anaona kuti zolaula sizikwanira kuti azisangalala ndi kugonana. Kugwiritsira kwake ntchito zipangizo zamakono kuti akwaniritse kugonana kwachuluka. Anapeza kuti kukhala wotsekedwa m'malingaliro ndi miyambo yomwe idagonjetse kugonana inali yolimbikitsanso ngati kugonana kwenikweni, mwinamwake kwambiri. Zomwe anali nazo pamtima zinkasungidwa ndi dopamine-kupititsa patsogolo kufufuza, kulumikiza, kuyankhulana, kutumizirana mameseji, kutumizirana mameseji ndi zina zotengera zogonana. Mavidiyo atsopano, chithunzi, masewera, kapena munthu amamasulidwa kwambiri dopamine, kumuthandiza kukhalabe wosangalala nthawi zonse mwa kuyang'ana kwake, kufufuza, kulingalira ndi kuyembekezera.
Steve ananena kuti angathe kumangokhalira kumangokhalira kumangokhalira kumangokhalira kumangokhalira kumangokhalira kumangokhalira kumangokhalira kumangokhalira kumangokhalira kudzuka. Kufufuza kwake kwa kanema, kujambula kapena wokondedwayo kumamuthandiza kuti asokonezedwe komanso asokonezedwe ndi zofunikira pamoyo wake, maubwenzi ndi zolinga za moyo monga heroin, cocaine, kapena chinthu china chilichonse chosintha maganizo. Cybersex inalidi "mankhwala osankhidwa."
Pambuyo pa chaka kuchipatala, Steve anavomera kupita ku msonkhano wa Addicts Anonymous (SAA). Anapeza chitonthozo kumeneko, podziwa kuti sanali munthu yekhayo amene adagonana nawo. Iye ankamverera kuti akuchirikizidwa ndi wolemekezeka mwa njira yomwe sanakhalepo kale mu moyo wake. Kwa nthawi yoyamba, anamva kuti anali kwinakwake. Anayamba kumva kuti akhoza kulankhula ndi anthu komanso kuti anthu akhoza kugawana naye. Chofunika koposa, adanena kuti, akuphunzira kukhala yekha komanso kukhala womasuka ndi anthu.
Inde, izi zinakhudza chithandizo chake. Tinayamba kuchita kafukufuku wogula / phindu la khalidwe lake la kugonana.
Pa nthawiyi, Steve adapambana kwambiri. Kukana kwake kunathyoka, adawona kuwonongeka komwe adazichita kwa iye yekha ndi kwa iwo omwe anali pafupi naye. Izi zikuphatikizapo:
- Kusungulumwa kwa abwenzi ndi banja / kuchepetsa ubwenzi ndi mnzanuyo
- Kusakhulupirika mu ubale wanu
- Kuwonjezeka kwa nkhawa pokhala ndi moyo wosangalatsa
- Kutaya phindu kuchoka kuntchito kuntchito ndikutheka kutaya ntchito
- Othandizana nawo ataya kudzidalira komanso kudzidalira polephera "kukhala ndi moyo" pazithunzi zolaula
- Kusasamala ana
- Kulephera kugonana (erectile dysfunction)
- Kutaya chidwi pa zokondweretsa ndi ntchito zina zathanzi
- Kudzipusitsa chifukwa cha kusowa tulo ndi kuchita masewera olimbitsa thupi
Mbiri ya Moyo
Steve ndiye woyamba kubadwa atatu, alongo awiri aang'ono. Asanabadwe, amayi ake anapitako padera pakapita miyezi isanu. Steve anafotokoza kuti amayi ake ndi "achinyengo" -kudzidzimutsa ndi kuyitana mphindi imodzi ndikukana chotsatira. Anapembedza Steve. Iye anali apulo la diso lake yemwe sakanakhoza kuchita cholakwika chirichonse. Komabe, iye anali ndi miyezo yovuta, ndipo atalephera kuwapeza iwo amamuuza kuti iye anali wonyansa, wofuula komanso wamwano ndipo amakhoza kumutumiza m'chipinda chake kwa maola ambiri.
Steve anakumbukira kuti amayi ake anali ndi "maganizo owopsya" kwa amuna ndipo nthawi zambiri ankadandaula kuti anali "zinyama" -momwemo, zovuta, komanso zokonda kugonana. Nthaŵi zambiri ankanyalanyaza pamaso pa Steve, ndipo amachoka pakhomo lotseguka asanagone. Pamene ankawopa, nthawi zambiri ankakwera pabedi pamodzi ndi makolo ake. Izi zinapitilira mpaka atate wake atachoka m'banja pamene anali ndi zaka 12. Iye anakumbukira kuti iye anali atagona pabedi ndi iye ndipo iye anali atavala chikwama chokwanira cha usiku. Steve adanena kuti wakhala akugonana ndi amayi ake nthawi zonse.
Bambo a Steve anali munthu wokoma mtima, womvetsa chisoni komanso wovutika pamene anali wodandaula, koma pamene adamwa, anali wokwiya komanso wamwano. Panthaŵi imene Steve anali ndi zaka zitatu, abambo ake nthawi zambiri anali osasamala. Kuonjezerapo, adazunza banja lonse pamene adamwa, koma adamuchitira nkhanza Steve. Nthaŵi ndi nthaŵi, amatha kunena kuti kubadwa kwa Steve sikunakonzedwenso kapena kunkafuna. Steve ananena kuti bambo ake "nthawi zonse ankaonetsetsa kuti ndimadziwa chomwe chimakhala."
Abambo a Steve adasiya banja Steve ali ndi zaka zisanu ndi zinayi. Steve adadzimva kuti wasiyidwa ndikuwopa kuti abambo ake sabweranso, koma nthawi yomweyo adaopanso kuti abweranso kudzawawombera onse. Anamvanso kuti ndi amene amachititsa kuti banja la makolo ake lithe.
Njira Yothandizira
Cholinga chachikulu cha Steve chokhudzidwa nacho chinali chonyansa, chowonetsa manyazi chomwe chiwerewere chinamupatsa mpumulo wake yekha. Iye adalephera kutsatira zomwe makolo ake ankayembekezera kwa iye ndipo alephera kukhala ndi moyo wake. Kukhala m'banja lomwe mwina ankamupembedza kapena kunyoza, manyazi ake adalowa mkati mwake, ndiko kuti, chinthu chofunika kwambiri.
Iye anali ndi manyazi amodzi chifukwa chokhala ndi banja lake komanso manyazi ena achiwerewere. Nthawi iliyonse yomwe anali ndi zovuta, anasiya manyazi komanso amadana naye. Ndizochititsa manyazi kuti sitingathe kukhala ndi khalidwe labwino ngakhale mutayesetsa kwambiri.
Kudzidalira kwa Steve komanso kudziona kuti ndi wopanda pake, makamaka chifukwa chodziwa kuti abambo ake samamufuna kapena kumulemekeza, mwina chifukwa chakuyankha kwa amayi ake molakwika komanso mwanjira ina chifukwa chodzipatula komanso nthawi zina amorphous. Amayi ake a Harold adasokoneza ntchito ya Steve yopanga ulemu wamwamuna mwa kupeputsa abambo ake, kudzudzula Steve pomwe adachita ngati abambo ake ndikuwapatsa ulemu amuna wamba.
Zomwe anakumana nazo pulogalamu ya 12-Step zinathandiza kuchepetsa manyazi, ndi chifundo ndikumvetsetsa zomwe ndinamupatsa iye anathandizanso kuthetsa manyazi ake.
Chithandizo chinagawanika kukhala "choyamba" kusintha ndi kusintha kwachiwiri. "Choyamba" kusintha kumapangidwira kukhazikitsa khalidwe lake. Anatumizidwa kukayezetsa matenda a maganizo kuti athetse mavuto omwe amachititsa kuti matenda a psychiatric asokonezeke. Dokotala anamuika pa dose ya Prozac yaing'ono, osati chifukwa cha matenda a maganizo, koma kuti amuthandize kusamalira zofuna zake zogonana zowopsya.
Kenaka tinayamba kukhazikitsa chidziwitso chokhazikitsa chiopsezo. Iye adalemba mndandanda wa "zokopa" -zochitika zam'tsogolo komanso zakunja zomwe zisanachitike. Anaphunzira kukhala kutali ndi mikhalidwe yoopsa. Njira zothana ndi njira zina zinkakonzedweratu pa chokhachokha. Njira zothetsera zilakolako ndi zodandaula zinakambidwa. Iye ankawona zolakalaka ndi malingaliro monga chizindikiro cha vuto la mkati. Amatha kuona ndi kutanthauzira mau ake amkati, m'malo mowayankha mwachidwi. Kuphatikizanso, tinakambirana njira zomwe angagwiritsire ntchito maulendo operewera ndi kubwereranso.
Kusintha kwa khalidwe losavuta kunayikidwa. Anagwiritsa ntchito foni yamakono yake pafoni yam'manja. Kompyutayi inaikidwa mu chipinda cha banja. Fyuluta yomwe inachotsa zolaula inayikidwa pa kompyuta. Anakhazikitsa mgwirizano wa utumiki wa intaneti. Pamene anayenera kugwiritsa ntchito kompyuta, anadziika yekha nthawi yeniyeni pamene anafufuza maimelo ake ndi zina zotere.
Steve ndi ine tinakambirana nthawi yayitali za ubale wake ndi maganizo ake, chifukwa nthawi zambiri maganizo osokonezeka amagwiritsidwa ntchito ngati mafuta oti achite. Mankhwalawa adalimbikitsa kuphunzira kulekerera malingaliro opanda kugonana popanda kugonana kuti awathandize. Kudziwa momwe mungagonjetsere bwino ndi kulimba mtima n'kofunika kuti mukhale wodziletsa. Kulimbana ndi vuto la kukondweretsa msanga kunakambidwa.
Mbali yovuta ya Relapse Prevention Plan ikugwira ntchito pakuzindikira ndi kutsutsana zopotoza zamaganizo. Omwe akugonjetsa kugonana ali ndi zokhotakhota zambiri za iwo okha, za amayi komanso za kugonana. Ndinamuuza Steve kuti alembe zomwe ankaganiza kuti ndizolemba ndikulembapo mbali ina, ndikuganiza kuti ayenera kuwerenga nthawi zingapo pa sabata.
Chifukwa chakuti Steve anali atakhala kutali kwa nthawi yayitali, tinagwiritsa ntchito luso loyankhulana ndipo adagwirizana kuti adzalandire. Ntchito zonse ziwirizi zinamuthandiza kukhala omasuka kwambiri padziko lapansi ndi anthu.
Malangizo Okwatirana
Chimodzi mwa zinthu zomwe zinamuyambitsa Steve kuchipatala chinali chiopsezo cha mkazi wake wosudzulana. Ngakhale kuti ubale wawo unali utasokonezeka pambuyo pa zaka zambiri za makhalidwe ake oledzera, adamukondabe ndipo ankafuna kuti akhale ndi moyo. Sara, chifukwa cha mbali yake, adagwidwa zidutswa ndi makhalidwe a Steve. Kugwiritsa ntchito nthawi yochuluka chotereyi m'chipinda chapansi chotengera khalidwe la kugonana kunam'pangitsa kukhala wosungulumwa, kusasamala, wosafunika komanso kunyalanyazidwa. Anadziona kuti ndi wofunika kwambiri, podziwa kuti mwamuna wake amakonda kugwiritsa ntchito nthawi yake patsogolo pa makompyuta podutsa munthu wongopeka amene sankatha kulimbana nawo.
Ankachita manyazi kwambiri chifukwa cha zomwe zinali kuchitika m'banja mwake, chifukwa chakuti anali wotsutsa kuyankhula ndi wina aliyense za vutoli kapena chifukwa chake chifukwa ankafuna kuteteza Steve kuti asachite manyazi.
Kuphatikizidwa kwa kuwonongeka, kupweteka, kusakhulupirika ndi kutaya ulemu kumapangitsa kuti Sara ayambe kukhala ndi chibwenzi ndi mwamuna wina. Zolinga zake zinali zowonjezera kudzidalira kwake ndikugonjetsa Steve chifukwa chomupandukira. Sarah sanapitirizebe kuchitapo kanthu kwa nthawi yayitali, komabe, chifukwa adakali wodzipereka kwa Steve.
Steve akuchitapo kanthu anali ndi vuto lalikulu pa moyo wa kugonana kwa anthu awiriwa. Sarah, poganiza kuti "sangafanane" ndi akazi ake oganiza bwino, ankayesetsa kuti adzikonzekerere komanso kuti ayambe kukonda chikondi kuposa kale. Ankavala zovala zachigololo zomwe ankaganiza kuti Steve angakonde. Nthaŵi zina, Sara amachita zochitika zogonana zomwe anazipeza kuti zinali zokhumudwitsa chifukwa ankaganiza kuti zikanamukondweretsa. Iye anachita zonse zomwe akanatha kumunyengerera iye kuti "sanafune" kuyang'ana "akazi ena" aja.
Chimene Sara sankamvetsa chinali chakuti palibe munthu wokhala ndi moyo amene angakhalepo ndi "chibwibwi" -chidziwitso cha dopamine, chokweza kwambiri kuti chizoloŵezi cha kugonana chimalowetsa pamene akuchita zomwe sizikugwirizana kwenikweni ndi kugonana ndi mkazi weniweni. Munthu weniweni wa moyo sangapambane ndi malingaliro. Iye sanamvetsetse kuti sanakhale ndi udindo pazochitikazo, kuti matenda a Steve adachokera ku chipsinjo cha mwana ndipo kuti adanyamula mabala ake pamtima asanakumane naye.
Pochita chithandizo, Sara analembera kuti sizinali khalidwe la chiwerewere lomwe linamupweteka kwambiri monga mabodza ndi zinsinsi zomwe zinayendetsa khalidwelo. Ndicho chimene sankadziwa ngati angakhululukire. Anakayikira kuti adzamukhulupiriranso.
Kwa zaka, Steve amamuuza kuti "wamisala" pamene akudandaula. Anayenera kuvomereza kuti sanabweretse vutoli komanso kuti sangathe kuliletsa.
Kwa zaka zingapo, Sara, mofanana ndi amayi ambiri am'mbuyomu, adayamba kuganizira kwambiri za "kuseri" kwa mwamuna wake; kufufuza mobwerezabwereza makina oyendetsa makompyuta, mafoni, malemba, mavidiyo, ma webusaiti, maimelo, ndi zina zotero kuti awone ngati akuchita. Anati adali wamisala pamene adachita izi, koma adapitiriza kuyesa kupeza mphamvu yowonjezera zomwe adaona kuti alibe mphamvu.
Sarah anavomera kuti ayambe kupita ku S-anon, pulogalamu ya 12 yothandizana nawo kugonana kumene adakumana ndi amayi omwe amatha kumupatsa chithandizo ndi chifundo. Pa nthawi yomweyi, adayamba chithandizo ndi wodwala amene ndimamutchula, pamene onse awiri anapitiliza kukondana.
Psychodynamics
Chaka chimodzi chitatha chithandizo, Steve adalengeza kuti akuchotsa chithandizo. Ndinamulimbikitsa kuti afotokoze zomwe zinamupangitsa kuchita izi. Kufufuza kwathu kunawulula malingaliro ake kuti ndidzamulanga ndi kumuchititsa manyazi chifukwa cha "kulephera" atakhala wotsimikiza. Ntchito yina ikuonetsa mgwirizano pakati pa malingaliro amenewa ndi manyazi a Steve ponena za kugwa kwake ndikusowa thandizo, kaduka kwake ndi mkwiyo wake, ndi zochitika zambiri zomwe zimakhudza ubwana ndi makolo ake onse. Steve amatha kukambirana zinthu izi pamalo otetezeka amandithandiza kuti ndisandione ngati woponderezedwa komanso ngati wothandizira ndikukhazikika kuti athe kumuthandiza kuti asatuluke mumsokonezo womwe amadziwa kuti ndi moyo wake wamkati.
Zotsatira za Chithandizo
Pamene chithandizo chinawonjezeka, Steve anayamba kuzindikira kuti kugonana komweku kochokera pansi pazinthu zosiyana siyana sizinali zomwe anali kufuna, popeza sakanati akwaniritse kapena kukwaniritsa zosowa zake.
Chithandizo adatenga nthawi yothana ndi zomwe zawonongeka chifukwa cha ubale wake ndi makolo ake. Tidayang'ana kwambiri mauthenga omwe adalowa mkati ali mwana omwe amakhudza thanzi lake atakula. Ena mwa awa anali:
- Iye sanali wabwino, osakondedwa ndipo sanali ake
- Iye adawopsezedwa chifukwa chosiyidwa, kunyalanyazidwa ndi kusakonda
- Makolo akakhala angwiro
Tikapeza mauthenga ofunikira kwambiri omwe analandira, adadandaula mmoyo wake womwe unabwera chifukwa cha mauthenga awa. Pamene anali wamkulu, iye adatsutsa mwatsatanetsatane uthengawo ndi mauthenga atsopano omwe amasonyeza kuti ndi ofunikira. Chofunika koposa, adabwezeretsa "manyazi ake". Makolo ake onse adali ndi miyoyo yovulazidwa ndi kudzichepetsa kwawo komanso manyazi chifukwa adapereka kwa Steve. Steve anapanga chisankho kuti manyazi sanali ake; Icho chinali cha makolo ake ndipo iye anachibwezeretsa kumene chinali-kwa makolo ake.
Steve anakhudzidwa ndi lingaliro lokhululukira banja lake. Anawona kukhululukidwa monga chinthu chomwe anadzichitira yekha chifukwa kukhala ndi moyo wokwiya kumapweteka kwambiri. Izi zinasonyezedwa pamene anapita kukawachezera. Maulendowa anali ofupika ndipo kuyanjana kwake ndi iwo kunali kosauka komanso kochepa. Iye anali atawalandira iwo ngati anthu opotoka amene anachita zonse zomwe akanakhoza kuti amubere iye.
Patapita zaka zitatu chithandizo chayamba, Steve anasintha kwambiri moyo wake. Anapitiliza kubwera kuchipatala ndipo adagwira ntchito yogwira ntchito yogonana pogonana osadziwika. Anali ndi mndandanda wa abwenzi othandizira ndipo anayamba kupanga zodzikongoletsera. Iye ankachita nthawizonse. Iye ndi Sara anali kuchita bwino. Anatsatira "mgwirizano wodetsa nkhaŵa" umene unali ndi mndandanda wa makhalidwe omwe amatsatira. Patapita nthawi, adamuwonetsa kuti adzakhalanso wokhulupirika.
Steve adakali ndi zilakolako, koma adapeza luso lomwe angawathandize. Nthawi zingapo, iye anadumpha. Komabe, chifukwa cha ntchito yothandizira kubwezeretsa, ife sitinayambe kubwerera mobwerezabwereza ndipo anazindikira kuti vuto linalake limatanthauza kuti adayenera kusintha kusintha kwake.
Kudzidalira kwake kunadzuka. Iye sanakhalenso wokonda kudzidana ndi manyazi. Iye anali womasuka mu kukhalapo kwake komwe. Kupyolera mukutenga kwake mu pulogalamu yake ya 12, adakondwera kukhala membala wa anthu osamalira komanso kuthandiza ena.
Pothandizidwa ndi mankhwala, maganizo ake pa moyo anasintha. Anasunthika kukhala munthu wachinyamata, wolemba mbiri, yemwe amawona ena kuti ndi "zinthu zosowa zokhutiritsa" kuti awazindikire monga munthu aliyense payekha omwe ali ndi zosowa, malingaliro ndi maganizo ake. Anaphunzira kukhala omvera wabwino komanso omvera. Zotsatira zake, adakhutira ndi kukhala ndi intaneti ya abwenzi apamtima, othandizira, kuphatikizapo makamaka mkazi wake.
Kupyolera mwa uphungu, chipsinjo ndi mkwiyo adayikidwa kumbuyo kwawo, ndipo kudzera mwazochilendo zawo, adaphunzira kukhala "ogwirizana" kuchipatala. Onsewa adanena kuti atapyola mavuto awo, amakhala ndi chiyanjano chakuya, komanso chokwanira.
Kutsiliza
Chikondi ndi kugonana ndi mbali ya chikhalidwe chaumunthu ndipo, motere, ndizo nkhani zokhudzana ndi madera omwe amapezeka kuchipatala. Izi ziyenera kuti ife omwe timagwira nawo ntchito zachipatala, makamaka achinyamata, kuti tidziwe bwino zomwe zipangizo zamakono zogonana zimakhudza kugonana kwaumunthu.
Dorothy Hayden, LCSW, ndi matenda opatsirana pogonana ku Manhattan. Kwa zaka 20 wakhala akuchita zachiwerewere ndi anzawo. Walembera nkhani za 40 zokhudzana ndi kugonana (www.sextreatment.com) ndipo adalemba buku lakuti "Total Sex Addiction Recovery - A Guide to Therapy". Ms. Hayden adafunsidwa ndi HBO, "20 / 20" ndi Anderson "360" za momwe anthu amachitira pa Intaneti pa Intaneti.
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