Mofanana ndi onse ogwira ntchito zachipatala, zokambirana za Peter Saddington ndi makasitomala ake ndizobisika ndipo sangasokoneze chidaliro chawo poyankhula za iwo. Nkhani zake zokhudzana ndi kasitomala zangouziridwa ndi ntchito zomwe wachita ndi achinyamata pazaka zake monga wothandizira.
Ndimalankhula ndi anthu zinsinsi zawo zapamtima koma samadziwa chilichonse za ine - ndi momwe ziyenera kukhalira.
Ndine katswiri wothandiza anthu pa nkhani ya kugonana, choncho anthu amabwera kwa ine kuti andithandize pa chilichonse kuyambira vuto la kugonana mpaka kupweteka kwa kugonana mpaka vaginismus, vuto lomwe limapangitsa kuti nyini ikhale yolimba akamayesa kulowa. Ngati kasitomala andifunsa kuti 'Kodi mwakwatira?' Ndidzawauza kuti ndakwatira, chifukwa zingakhale zachilendo kubisala koma, kupatula apo, ndimachita zinthu mwaukadaulo. Ndikulankhula ndi anthu awa ngati katswiri wothandiza anthu, osati ngati bwenzi. Mwachionekere, mumamanga ubale ndi makasitomala ena koma zonsezi ndi mbali ya njira yowathandiza kuthetsa mavuto awo.
Kuchipatala komwe ndimagwirako ntchito, zipinda zothandizirazo zili ngati zipinda zogona m'nyumba momwe simukhala aliyense. Pali mipando itatu yabwino - imodzi ya ine ndi iwiri ya makasitomala. Ndilibe zithunzi zabanja kapena zokometsera zanga zomwe zimandithandiza kuti ndizikhala patali.
Ndikuwona maanja ndi anthu - omwe atha kukhala osakwatira kapena wina yemwe ali ndi mnzake wofuna kulangizidwa yekha. Zaka zingapo zapitazo, bambo wazaka 29 wotchedwa Rob adabwera kudzandiona ndekha chifukwa anali ndi nkhawa ndi zomwe amachita ndi bwenzi lake latsopano, lodziwa zambiri. Sanafune kuti amuthandize chifukwa anali wamanyazi pomva choncho.
Phunziroli, ndinamufunsa Rob ngati kusoŵa kwake kumamupangitsa kuona Kelly mosiyana, ngati maudindo adasinthidwa. Inde, adayamba kuzindikira kuti sizinali zofunika, ndipo adamupempha kuti alowe naye. Kelly atangoyamba kutenga mbali, chidaliro cha Rob chinabwerera. Chinthu chomwe chinapangitsa kusiyana kwake chinali kukhala woona mtima za nkhawa zake m'malo moyesera kuti adziyerekezere kuti amadziwa zambiri kuposa momwe anachitira.
Makasitomala anga nthawi zambiri amakhala ndi zaka za m'ma 20 mpaka kumayambiriro kwa zaka 40 koma achinyamata saopa kufunafuna chithandizo cha kugonana monga momwe mungayembekezere. Ndipotu, ndaona kuwonjezeka kwa makasitomala achichepere omwe amabwera kudzandiona pazaka 15 zomwe ndakhala ndikugwira ntchitoyi, komanso chiwerengero cha anthu achikulire kwambiri omwe tsopano akulowa muubwenzi watsopano mtsogolo.
Mavuto okhudzana ndi kugonana sali oletsedwa masiku ano ndipo, chifukwa cha zotsatira za zolaula komanso kusintha kwa ziyembekezo zokhudzana ndi kugonana, ndikuganiza kuti anthu akukumana ndi mavuto osiyanasiyana ndipo akukumana nawo ali aang'ono. Ndili ndi makasitomala azaka zapakati pa 6 ndi 6 omwe amabwera kudzandiona ndi mavuto kuyambira nkhawa yokhudza kutaya chilakolako chawo chogonana mpaka chisokonezo chokhudza kugonana kwawo. Ndipo malinga ndi bungwe la Relate, lomwe ndimagwira ntchito, anthu opitilira 42% omwe adapita ku chithandizo cha kugonana ku malo awo ena mu 2018 anali osakwana zaka 35.
Kumapeto ena a sikelo, mlendo wanga wakale kwambiri wakhala ali ndi zaka 89. Ameneyo anali bambo yemwe anali pachibwenzi chatsopano kwa zaka zingapo. Tsoka ilo, iye ndi mnzake watsopanoyu anali kuvutika kuti agonane. Adapita ku GP limodzi koma amamva ngati adotowo adadabwa kuti akugonabe pamsinkhu wawo. Zomwe, zachidziwikire, sizinathandize konse - kotero adabwera kudzandiwona.
Anthu ambiri omwe amafuna chithandizo chachiwerewere ayesera kale kupita kwa dokotala. Nthawi zambiri, amangofuna mwayi woti akambirane zavutolo ndi wina. Anthu ambiri amakhala amanjenje - maanja ena amaganiza kuti akuyenera kuwonetsa zogonana zawo m'chipinda chomwe chili patsogolo panga. Izi mwachidziwikire sizili choncho!
Mmodzi mwa makasitomala anga aang'ono kwambiri anali mnyamata wazaka za 17 yemwe anali ndi vuto ndi kukweza kwake. Iye ndi chibwenzi chake adayeserera kugonana ndipo adataya. Pambuyo pake anaphwanya ndipo anadzudzula pa vuto lake. Anayesa zokopa zokhazokha ndikukhalitsa mitsempha yake mowa koma palibe chimene chinagwira ntchito ndipo sankadziwa choti achite. Tsopano, panali mtsikana yemwe ankakonda kwambiri m'kalasi mwake, yemwe ankawoneka ngati amamukonda, koma adawopa kuti asamuke pambuyo pa zomwe zinachitika.
Iye anapita kwa dokotala wake kukafunsa uphungu ndipo anauzidwa kuti anali wamng'ono ndipo vutoli lidzatha lokha. Ali kumeneko, anaona kapepala kokhudza chithandizo cha kugonana ndipo anaganiza zoyesa. Atabwera kudzandiona kuti akaone koyamba, ndinazindikira kuti anali ndi mantha - anali wofiira kwambiri pankhope pake nthawi yonseyi!
Gawo lililonse la mankhwala opatsirana pogonana ndi losiyana, ndipo pa ntchitoyi, ntchito yomwe tinkachita inali makamaka maphunziro a kugonana. Tinayang'ana majambula achimake ndikukambirana za momwe mumakhalira ndikusunga erection. Ndinamuthandiza kumvetsetsa kuti, chifukwa cha iye, kudera nkhawa ndiko kumabweretsa vuto.
Ndinamupatsa ntchito yopita kunyumba kuti ndikamutse ndikukankhira katatu mzere kuti ndimuthandize kukhulupirira kuti akhoza kubwezera. Pang'onopang'ono, anayamba kuyamba kukhala ndi chidaliro, ndipo zinangotengera magawo asanu ndi awiri kuti nkhani yake ikonzedwe. Pafupifupi patatha mwezi umodzi atatha kuchiza, adalowa pakati ndikusiya kabuku kakang'ono ponena kuti akupita ndi mtsikana wa m'kalasiyo tsopano, ndipo akuganiza kuti atha kugonana posachedwa.
Asanakhale wothandizira, ndinagwira ntchito kusukulu yokhalamo ana omwe ali ndi zosowa zapadera. Ndinkawona kuti kulimbikitsidwa kwakukulu kuti ndipeze sukulu yabwino ndikuchita bwino ndi mwana wawo kuika maubwenzi ena, ndipo ndikulakalaka kuti ndichite zambiri kuti ndiwathandize. Ndinakhala zaka ziwiri ndikuphunzitsidwa ngati mlangizi wa maanja patsiku langa, asanapite nthawi yonse.
Pamene ndinali kuthandiza maanja ndi mavuto awo, nthawi zina zimakhala zoonekeratu kuti mavuto awo anali kugonana, komanso maganizo. Kotero, ndinaganiza zophunzitsa chithandizo cha kugonana kuti ndiwathandize pa magawo onse.
Banja lina limene ndinaliona nditangotha kukhala munthu wogonana, yemwe anali ndi chibwenzi cholimba koma ankafuna kuthandizidwa ndi moyo wawo wogonana, anali Matt ndi Alex, omwe anali oyambirira ndi 20s oyambirira.
Gawo lathu loyamba, onsewa amawoneka amanyazi, kusuntha mipando yawo ndikupewa kuyankha mafunso anga. Ankachita manyazi kulankhula nane za zolaula, monga kugonana kumatako, ndipo zimawoneka kuti ndili ndi nkhawa kuti sindingawalandire chifukwa anali achiwerewere. Ndinali ndi vuto kuti vuto likhoza kukhala lokhazikitsidwa, kotero ndinabweretsa kuti ndidutse - Ndinkafuna kuti ndiwadziwitse kuti ndibwino kulankhula za kugonana momasuka komanso moona mtima.
Mavuto okhudzana ndi kugonana ndi kutulutsa umuna msanga ndi zifukwa zomwe amuna amabwera kudzandiona. Mu maubwenzi a amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, komwe pangakhale chiyembekezo chakuti onse awiri azigonana, pangakhale kukakamizidwa kwambiri kuti achite. Pomwe, ndi anthu okwatirana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, palibe chomwe mwamunayo angayerekezere nacho mwachindunji pakadali pano.
Ndinaikira Matt ndi Alex zolimbitsa thupi kuti athetse kukondana. Wokondedwa aliyense amayenera kukhudza mnzake kwa theka la ola - kufufuza thupi lawo ndikuwona zomwe zimawasangalatsa. Anali amaliseche koma sanaloledwe kugwirana maliseche - sizokhudza zamasewera, koma mozama pamalingaliro.
Pambuyo pake, iwo adapitirizabe kugwira ntchito yonse ndikuzindikira momwe angadzutsirane, asanafike polowera. Amaika khama lalikulu ndikusamalira magawowa ngati tsiku la usiku, ndi makandulo ndi nyimbo zachikondi. N'zosangalatsa kuti posakhalitsa chikhulupiriro cha Matt chinawonjezeka.
Pambuyo pa masabata a 15 a mankhwala, Matt ndi Alex anali ndi chiwerewere chokwanira. Patatha masabata angapo, anandiuza kuti kugonana kumagwira ntchito nthawi zonse. Anabwerera kudzandionanso patadutsa miyezi itatu chithandizochi chitatha, ndipo adakondana kwambiri. Anandiuzanso kuti akukwatirana! Zinali zosangalatsa kwambiri kumva kuti iwo anali okondwa komanso akuchita bwino.
Anzanga amasangalala ndi ntchito yanga. Anthu amachita chidwi mukawauza kuti ndinu phungu - koma pali zovuta zina mukamanena kuti ndinu ogonana! Anzathu ena samalankhula zilizonse zokhudzana ndi kugonana ndipo samakhala omasuka kwenikweni. Komabe, ena amandiuza mosangalala za mavuto awo ogonana. Anzanga ena adandifunsa ngati angandione mwaukadaulo, chifukwa amadzimva olimba mtima kuyankhula ndi munthu amene amamudziwa koma ndidawakana. Ndikofunika kuti ndisatengere ntchito yanga kupita nayo kunyumba ndipo simungathe kukhala ndiubwenzi ndi achibale kapena abale anu.
Nthawi zambiri, mavuto okhudzana ndi kugonana amakhala okhudzana ndi kuvulala komwe kudachitika kale monga kugwiriridwa kapena kuzunzidwa. Kasitomala wina wamkazi, yemwe anali ndi vuto la vaginismus, adamva amayi ake akutsala pang'ono kufa pamene anali kubereka mng'ono wake. Mu gawo lathu lachiwiri, tidachita zomwe ndimatcha 'kujambula mbiri', komwe ndimafunsa kasitomala za ubwana wawo, banja lawo komanso zomwe adakumana nazo ali mwana. Mary adandiuza za kuvulalako ndipo, ali mtsikana wamng'ono, adamva amayi ake akulira ndipo abale ake ena akulankhula za momwe angapulumukire.
Pofuna kuthandiza Mary kuthana ndi mavuto ake okhudza kulowa m'mimba, tinachita kafukufuku wambiri wa Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), womwe umafufuza momwe timachitira zinthu zokha. Ndinamuphunzitsa kumasula minofu ya pansi pa chiuno chake, ndipo ndinamulimbikitsa kuti azichita kudzilowetsa m'mimba pogwiritsa ntchito zomwe zimadziwika kuti trainers. Izi ndi zinthu zosalala, zooneka ngati tampon zomwe zimabwera kukula kosiyanasiyana ndipo zimathandiza munthu kuzolowera kuyika china chake mu nyini yake.
Ndikadapanda kuphunzira kusadukiza molawirira, sindikadapulumuka pantchitoyi. Ndikumva nkhani zovuta komanso zopweteka. Ndiyenera kuyika zinthuzo mbali imodzi chifukwa apo ayi ndikadakhala wopanda ntchito - kumva chisoni kapena kumva chisoni kwa kasitomala sikuthandiza.
Koma pa mphindi iliyonse yachisoni, pali osangalala nawonso. Nthawi zina, ndimalandira mauthenga ndi makadi kuchokera kwa maanja mankhwala akatha akuti, 'Zikomo chifukwa cha thandizo lanu lonse - tili ndi pakati!' M'malo mwake, pali banja limodzi lomwe ndimalandila khadi yolembera yapachaka, ngakhale zitatha zaka 12, zondiuza momwe zikuyendera. Anandipatsa dzina la m'modzi mwa ana awo, womwe unali ulemu!
Mwanjira ina, chifukwa simukupeza ndalama zambiri pakugwira ntchitoyi, payenera kukhala chifukwa china chomwe mukuchitira. Kuwona anthu akugwiritsa ntchito malangizo anu ndikuyamba kusintha miyoyo yawo ndikumverera kodabwitsa.
Yauzidwa kwa Natasha Preskey
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