Kuonera zolaula ali aang'ono kungakhudze anthu modabwitsa. Mu kuyankhulana sabata ino mu Politics Home, MP wa Labour Samantha Niblett anakumbukira nthawi yoyamba yomwe anayang'ana zinthuzo. "Ndinali ndi zaka 10 ... Ndipo nthawi zina ndimadabwa, popeza ndinaziona ndili wamng'ono kwambiri ... ngati zimenezo zasintha munthu amene ndili lero." Powerenga za kampeni yake yophunzitsa za kugonana yomwe yangoyambitsidwa kumene mdziko muno - kulimbikitsa maliseche kuti thanzi liwonjezeke, kubweretsa zoseweretsa zogonana ku nyumba yamalamulo, kulimbikitsa aphungu anzanga kuti azilankhula momasuka za kugonana - ndivomereza, ndinayambanso kudabwa ndi zimenezo.
Lingaliro lalikulu la Niblett ndikulengeza mu zomwe amatcha "chilimwe cha kugonana", kuphunzitsa anthu onse luso lokhala ndi zochitika zosangalatsa komanso zolemekezana. Mwina poganiza kuti Kumanja kukufunika thandizo lochulukirapo ndi izi kuposa Kumanzere, akuwoneka kuti akuwongolera kampeni yake kupita kwa ovota a Reform and Restore makamaka: "ndi nkhani yokhudza kulamulira dziko lathu, yokhudza kutenga ulamuliro wa Britain wathu, komanso kusachita manyazi". Chifukwa chake, adatcha pulojekitiyi kuti "Yes Sex Please, ndife aku Britain", zomwe zimamveka ngati chinthu chomwe mlendo yekha akanatha kupanga. Komabe, ndi nkhani yongopeka ya kugonana ya zaka za m'ma 1970 yokhala ndi Ronnie Corbett - mwina ndi nkhani yochepa, ngakhale kwa mafani a Rupert Lowe.
Tsatanetsatane wa pulojekiti ya Niblett ukuoneka kuti sungakhudze dziko lonse. Kapena monga momwe Aristotle adanenera mosiyana, munthu mmodzi sachita bwino nthawi yachilimwe. Akukonzekera kugwirizana ndi mnzake wokonda kugonana - dzina lake Cindy Gallop - kuti alowe m'malo mwa zithunzi zolaula m'mitu ya anthu ndi zithunzi za "anthu enieni" akugonana. Mwanjira ina: musaganize za Pornhub, taganizirani Matt Hancock akugona muofesi. Gallop ndiye woyambitsa MakeLoveNotPorn (MLNP), tsamba lawebusayiti komwe, malinga ndi nthabwala yake, mutha "kuwonera makanema enieni achiwerewere mu umunthu wawo wachikondi, wotentha, komanso wosokonezeka". Zikuoneka kuti Niblett amasangalala kupita patsamba lino - "Ndi nthawi yoyambira, imakuthandizani kudziseweretsa maliseche, imakuthandizani kugona", akufotokozera mtolankhaniyo, mosafunikira - ndipo akunena kuti akufuna kuthandiza woyambitsa wake ndi nduna za boma kuti agwirizane.
Pakadali pano, Gallop ndi wamalonda wazaka 66 yemwe posachedwapa adauza a Telegraph Iye amanyadira kuti “nthawi zonse komanso mosangalala” amagona ndi anyamata achichepere. Zikuoneka kuti panthawi ya zosangalatsa zimenezi, anakhala ndi nthawi yosangalala ndi Eureka, m'njira yachikhalidwe. Anayamba kuzindikira kuti anyamata omwe anali kugona nawo anali ndi malingaliro osiyanasiyana olakwika okhudza kugonana, kutengera kugwiritsa ntchito zolaula. Ndipo taonani, lingaliro la MLNP linabadwa.
Mu mzimu wofufuza, ndinalembetsa kuti ndipeze mtundu waulere. Sindinganene kuti ndinasangalala kwambiri ndi zomwe ndakumana nazo, ngakhale mwina zinali chifukwa chakuti makanema omwe ndimaonera anali a masekondi atatu okha - muyenera kulipira kuti muwonere makanema athunthu, ndipo ine sindinatero. Nthawi zambiri, tsamba lino limawoneka ngati gawo la Akazi a Owerenga lomwe lasinthidwa. Ngati mumakonda kuwala kwachilengedwe koopsa, mawonekedwe ankhope olimba, kugwedezeka pang'ono pa mipando yovala bwino ya Ikea, komanso kugubuduza nthawi zina komwe kumamveka phokoso la njira yowulukira ndege ya Heathrow, apa pakhoza kukhala malo abwino kwa inu.
Ophunzira akulemba mawu awoawo kuti akope owonera, ndipo ambiri akuoneka kuti akuphatikizapo mawu okhudza kusamalira ana: “Iyi ndi kanema waufupi chabe womwe tidapanga pamene tikupeza nthawi m'mawa pamene ana anali kugona”; “Tikugwiritsanso ntchito nthawi yomwe mwana wathu akugona kuti tipeze nthawi yocheza momwe tingathere”. Mutu wina ndi wakunja: “Onani pamene thupi la Tausha likuyankha kukhudza kwa Trevor. Imvani kulira kwake kukulira m'nkhalango, mvetserani mbalame zikuyankha ku mawu ake oyambira”. Ndinachita monga momwe ndinalangizidwira ndipo ndimaganiza kuti mwina ndinamva ng'ona yodabwa, ngakhale kuti zinali zovuta kudziwa.
Zachidziwikire — monga momwe aphungu anzake a Niblett adanenera mwachangu — zonsezi ndi ufulu Pitilizani, ndi kusokoneza zinthu zofunika kwambiri pa ndale zomwe zikuchitika panopa: nkhondo, kusowa kwa chakudya komwe kukubwera, kulephera kwa kayendetsedwe ka zinthu zomwe zinapangitsa kuti ana aphedwe. Monga momwe Kemi Badenoch ananenera mosapita m'mbali mu Nyumba Yamalamulo, "zimapereka tanthauzo latsopano la kusewera pamene Roma ikuyaka". Atakhumudwa ndi kutsutsidwa kumeneku, Niblett tsopano wasintha njira yake yolankhulirana ndi anthu, kutanthauza dzulo kuti kampeniyi ndi yopindulitsa “anthu okalamba” omwe “akufuna kugonana”. Mwina gulu la Badenoch la Spads likuganizira zinthu ziwiri zokhudza kutseka katatu pamene ndikulemba.
Koma chomwe chikukhumudwitsanso n’chakuti Niblett ndi Gallop apeza vuto lenileni, ngakhale kuti yankho lomwe akupereka ndi lopanda pake. N’zoonekeratu kuti kugwiritsa ntchito zolaula, pakati pa mavuto ena amakono, kukuyambitsa khalidwe logonana lomwe likuwononga akazi ndi amuna, koma yankho silingakhale loipa kwambiri - chifukwa ichi ndi chomwe MLNP imapereka, ngakhale kuti mutu wake uli ndi mawu otsutsa. Zoona, palibe ma webcam kapena akazi omwe ali ndi misozi, ubwino wosakayikira; koma kusakhalapo kwa chinthu choipa sikuwerengedwa ngati maphunziro ofunika.
Vuto lina ndilakuti zithunzi za anthu akusangalala sizinena chilichonse chovuta kwambiri. Popeza sizili zongopeka, zithunzi zimakhala zosavuta choncho. Gala mokweza kwambiri amati kuti kanema aliyense patsamba lake "ndi phunziro lofunika kwambiri pa mgwirizano, kulankhulana, makhalidwe abwino ogonana, khalidwe labwino la kugonana". Koma zili ngati kunena kuti chithunzi cha Kew Gardens ndi phunziro lofunika kwambiri pa momwe mungakulitsire maluwa. Komabe, zomwe tikuganiza kuti tikuziwona zikuwonetsedwa pazenera ku MLNP - ulemu, kuyanjana, kukondana ndi wina, kapena chilichonse - ndi zotsatira za njira yomwe idakali chinsinsi kwa ambiri.
Popeza kugonana komwe mumachita ndi ena ndi chifukwa cha ubale waukulu womwe muli nawo ndi iwo, maphunziro a kugonana omwe ali ndi dzina lake angafunike kupanga zigamulo zenizeni za makhalidwe abwino ndi oipa - osati m'chipinda chogona kapena pa kapeti ya pikiniki. Komabe kupitirira mawu wamba okhudza kuvomerezana ndi kulankhulana bwino, ichi ndi chinthu chomwe Niblett ndi Gallop sakufuna kuchita; ndipo ndi kusafuna komwe kumagawidwa ndi pafupifupi aliyense m'malo otchedwa "maphunziro a kugonana". Niblett akuumirira mu kuyankhulana kwake kuti "sakunena kuti zomwe wina aliyense amakonda ndizolakwika". Ndipo mu nkhani ya Ted ya 2009, Gallop akuti: "izi sizikunena za kuweruza ... izi sizikunena za zabwino ndi zoyipa". Amadzinenera kuti amaonera zolaula nthawi zonse. Chidziwitso chake chachikulu ndichakuti pa chilichonse chomwe chingatheke pakugonana, padzakhala ena omwe amakonda, ndi ena omwe sakonda; ndipo ngati simukukonda china chake, ndibwino kunena choncho.
Koma masukulu a sekondale, magazini a akazi, ndi ma sewero a pa TV akhala akukambirana mfundo yofunikayi kuyambira m'ma 1980. Kulengezanso izi sikungasinthe chilichonse. Ndipotu, munthu wamba amene amavomereza chizolowezi chogonana chomwe amadana nacho amadziwa bwino kuti "ayi" yotsimikizika imapezeka nthawi zonse; koma safuna kuigwiritsa ntchito, osati chifukwa chakuti akumva kuti ali ndi maganizo otseguka. Kufotokozera kotsutsana ndi kumeneku n'kwakuti sangaganizepo chilichonse chokhudza chizolowezi chomwe chikukambidwacho; ndipo, pankhaniyi, chikhalidwe chachikulu sichinathandize chilichonse. M'malo mwake, chapangitsa kuti pafupifupi mitundu yonse ya khalidwe logonana isatsutsidwe kwambiri, bola ngati ikugwirizana ndi fumbi lachikale losintha la chilolezo cha akuluakulu.
Kunena kuti chinthu china chake ndi choipa ngati simukuchikonda, koma chabwino ngati mukuchikonda, ndi mfundo yosakhutiritsa kwenikweni. Sichigwira ntchito bwino ngakhale pakumwa vinyo, osatinso ubale wa anthu. Zimapangitsa kuti zomwe mumakonda kapena zomwe simukukonda pa zinthu zina ziwoneke ngati ziyenera kumangidwa pamchenga, ndipo siziyenera kutetezedwa. Maganizo onyansidwa amakhala "zokonda" m'malo mochita zinthu zothandiza pozindikira makhalidwe abwino. Mumataya mphamvu yofotokoza zomwe nthawi zina zingakhale zachibadwa kunena kuti: "Ayi, sindikuchita bwino kuchita zimenezo, chifukwa sizimasonyeza china chilichonse koma kundinyoza; ndipo ndinu munthu wokonda kuyesa".
Maphunziro enieni okhudza kugonana ayenera kukhala, pang'ono, maphunziro a makhalidwe abwino, ndipo maphunziro a makhalidwe abwino amaphatikizapo kuweruza malinga ndi tanthauzo; komabe akatswiri a makhalidwe abwino amakono ali ndi lingaliro losaweruza, monga momwe mawu omwe amawakondera amanenera. Chifukwa chake, amaona zochitika zogonana ngati zosiyana kwambiri ndi machitidwe ena onse a anthu: monga momwe zimakhalira zachilendo kuchokera ku malingaliro a tsiku ndi tsiku monga chidani ndi mkwiyo, ngakhale pamene zochita zomwe zimachitikazo ndi zonyansa komanso zokhumudwitsa. Palibe njira ina yomwe mungamenye munthu mwamphamvu kumaso, kumuletsa, kumukoka pa chingwe, kapena kumupangitsa kuti abwerere m'mbuyo, koma kenako osachita manyazi kunena kuti "mumawalemekeza" kwambiri nthawi zonse.
Popeza kuti ndi anthu okonda zachikazi okha komanso anthu achipembedzo okha omwe akuoneka kuti akufuna kutsutsa nkhani yopusa iyi, mawu opanda pake ochokera kwa anthu ngati Niblett ndi Gallop okhudza "kulankhulana bwino", "kumasula anthu ku manyazi" komanso, "kuvomerezana kwakukulu" mwina kudzapitirirabe, akuzungulira mozungulira zovuta zenizeni za makhalidwe abwino okhudzana ndi kugonana koma osachita nawo chidwi kwenikweni. Mu kuyankhulana kwa 2019, Gallop adalankhula za mapulani oyambitsa bizinesi yotchedwa ConSensual: osati, monga momwe mungaganizire poyamba, tsamba lophunzitsira za kugonana lolunjika kwa mamembala a Conservative Party, koma "pulogalamu yotetezeka yotumizirana mauthenga olaula, yomwe imakulolani kutumiza mauthenga olaula motetezeka komanso kukonza kulumikizana kwanu kogonana muubwenzi wanu (ndili ndi zonse zomwe ndakonza, ndikungofuna osunga ndalama)". Tangoganizirani Cindy-avatar atavala nsapato zonyansa, akukukumbutsani mosangalala kuti ngati wina akutchani hule wonyansa, ndizo zabwino, bola ngati mukuzikonda; koma ayi ngati simukukonda! Koma ine ndekha, ndikuganiza kuti ndingogwiritsa ntchito WhatsApp, komanso chizolowezi changa chopewa kutumizirana mauthenga olaula ndi anthu omwe amandinyansidwa kwambiri. Ndipo zimenezo ndi maphunziro a kugonana omwe dziko lapansi lingapereke kwaulere.
Nkhani yoyambirira ya Kathleen Stock