September 25, 2013
Ili likhala lipoti la masiku 90 la mtundu wina, komabe ndimawona kuti ndili kutali ndi komwe ndikufuna ndikakhala ndiulendo wawutali. Ndikuti ndizinene ngati zili mchinthu ichi ndipo ndikupepesa pasadakhale ngati kalembedwe kakuwoneka ngati kovuta.
Choyamba ndidzadula kuti ndithamangitse ndikuwuza kusintha komwe ndazindikira.
Mipira yayikulu - Palibe kukayikira pa izi mipira yanga idakula kwambiri m'masiku anga a 90 popanda PMO.
Utsi wa ubongo - Inakhala yovuta pomwe ndimayambiranso ndipo pafupifupi ndinayamba kufooka ndimamva ngati ndichedwa. Komabe m'masabata awiri apitawa zakhala bwino pang'ono ndikuwongolera.
Maganizo odekha - Sabata yapitayi yomwe ndi sabata yanga yomaliza yamasiku 90 oyambilira, bata lamtunduwu landigwera mosiyana ndi zomwe ndakhala ndikumva kwa nthawi yayitali. Moyo wanga ndiwopanda kanthu pakadali pano, banja langa likugwa, ndikulimbana ndi anthu omwe ndimachita nawo zachiwerewere ndipo ndikudandaula kwambiri. Ndipo mukudziwa chiyani? Ndine wodekha kuposa momwe ndakhalira zaka zambiri, sindimangobera.
Nditha kupeza lingaliro ndikungogwira ndipo palibe chomwe chimapangitsa kuti munthu azichita maliseche popanda vuto lililonse. Ndizosintha kwambiri kuchokera pakudzibisa kupita ku zolaula ndikukhala ndi bulu wofooka komanso vuto losowa kwambiri.
Zoyipa zanga zimawoneka bwino, imakhala yolimba pang'ono ndipo ngakhale itakhala yovuta khungu kuti lipenye. Mutha kuwona mitsempha pansi pa khungu ndi zinthu.
Mwina ndaphonya kena kake koma sindikutsimikiza. Komabe, yakhala gehena yaulendo mpaka pano, panthawiyi ndakhala ndikulimbana ndimunthu wovuta kwambiri sizoseketsa. Ndakhala wotsikitsitsa kwambiri omwe ndidakhalako. Ndakhala moyo womwe wakhala gehena wangwiro padziko lapansi. Kwa milungu ingapo kumeneko ndimadana ndi moyo wanga. Sindikudziwa ngakhale chifukwa chomwe sindinayese kudzipha.
Kusintha kwanga sikunathe kwathunthu koma kwasintha pang'ono, koma sindichita mwatsatanetsatane ndi izi pakadali pano. Ngakhale ndidakhala ndi nthawi yayifupi kwambiri pomwe ndimamva kuti ndine wabwinobwino. Ndikuyembekezera mwachidwi tsiku lomwe lidzandisiye bwino. Ndi gehena yeniyeni ndipo ngati simunakumaneko nayo simungaganizire.
Ndidali wokhumudwa zonsezi zisanachitike ndipo sindimadziwa nkomwe. Ndikuopa kuti ndadodometsedwa ndi ubongo wanga wazaka zingapo zapitazi ndi benzos, SSRI, ndi PMO. Ndidzakhala zombie ndipo sindinazindikire mpaka koyambirira kwa chaka chino. Kusintha kwa umunthu sikunandikhudze ndikadachitabe lero. Zinatengera china chake chowopsya komanso chowopsa kuti ndipangitse kuzindikira zomwe ndimachita.
Sindikudziwa kwenikweni zomwe ndimakhulupirira koma ndimaona ngati izi zikuyenera kuti zichitike kwa ine. Ndi njira yomwe ndiyenera kuyendamo ndikudutsamo, kupyola, kupilira, ndipo pamapeto pake tsiku lina ndidzatuluka mbali ina ya chigonjetso ichi. Ndikhala wamphamvu kuposa kale lonse.
Pa masabata angapo apitawa ndayamba kuwona kusintha kwanga pang'onopang'ono. Ndayamba kukhala ndi chiyembekezo pang'ono ndikumverera ngati awa sindiwo mathero anga. Zinthu sizili bwino ngakhale. Ndiyenerabe kuphunzira momwe ndingakhalire ndi kudzisinthaku ndikuyesera kuchira. Ndataya mtima kwambiri ndipo sindikudziwa ngati zikuthandizira kusandulikako kapena ngati zikuyambitsa.
Mu dipatimenti ya libido nanenso sindili bwino. Mwinamwake ndili ndi mbiri yokhazikika, chifukwa ndakhala m'modzi kwa masiku opitilira 90 tsopano. Yoipa, yopanda nkhuni zam'mawa, palibe kalikonse. Atsikana amoyo weniweni samandisangalatsanso konse komanso samachita zolaula. Ndikumva kuti ndimagonana, komabe ndimatha kukomoka ndikungogwira.
Ndinaganiza zopita ku MO mosaganizira chilichonse chifukwa ndamva kuti pambuyo poti anthu ena ayambitsanso libidos yawo ndi MOing. Pakadali pano sindikuwona momwe athandizidwira aliyense, koma nthawi yomweyo sizimapwetekanso. Sizinapangitse kuti ubongo wanga ukhale woipa kwambiri monga momwe unalili nthawi yomaliza kubwerera ku PMO. Sindimamva kuti ndine wolakwa ndipo zidamveka ngati zachilengedwe komanso zowona.
Ndikulemba zinthu zingapo zomwe zandithandiza ine ndi maupangiri angapo omwe angathandize winawake.
1. Kulekerera Zero - Musakhudze khutu lanu pokhapokha mutayika kapena kutsuka. Palibe mafunso osatero.
2. Ndinapita pa izi ngati panalibenso njira ina, chifukwa kunena zoona kunali kopanda ine. Ndinali nditatsika kale kwambiri chifukwa chodzisintha komanso kukhumudwa kwakuti panalibenso njira ina. Sanali fap kapena ndidapangidwira. Ndinachita izi monga momwe moyo wanga umadalira.
3. Elliott Hulse - Guy ndiwodabwitsa, yang'anani njira zake za youtube. Ali ndi upangiri pazabwino kwambiri, mayankho ake nthawi zonse samangokhala mayankho ochokera mumtima. Bioenergetics ndi nkhani yosangalatsa kwambiri ndipo ndikuganiza kuti tonsefe titha kupindula nayo. Ingotenga mawu anga pa izo ndikuyang'ana munthu uyu. Ndiye ngwazi yanga / wowalangiza.
4. Nyimbo - Sindimasewera nyimbo konse, koma ndimakonda kuimvera. Ndikakhumudwa ndikapanikizika kwambiri kuti ndichite china chilichonse ndimagona ndikumvetsera nyimbo. Ndimamvera nyimbo zomwe zimafotokoza zoyipa zenizeni, zovuta zenizeni. Gulu limodzi lomwe ndimakhala ndikumvetsera nthawi yayitali ndi Staind. Woimba wawo wotsogolera Aaron Lewis ndi wodabwitsa. Ali ndi chivundikiro cha Pink Floyd cha "Comfortfort Numb" chomwe chili chabwino. Nyimbo yopweteka kwambiri yomwe ndidamvapo m'moyo wanga, ndipo sindimadziwa izi kale koma tanthauzo limodzi la nyimboyi ikufotokozera za kudzisintha. Zimandipangitsa kumva bwino kudziwa kuti anthu ena adutsapo zomwe ndikukumana nazo pakadali pano ndipo sindili ndekha.
Ndikadali kutali ndi komwe ndikudziwa kuti ndiyenera kukhala, ndipo sindikunena kuti nkhaniyi ndiyopambana. Ndikudziwa kuti nofap si mankhwala onse, koma palinso china chake. Ndikabwezera libido yanga ndidzaitcha izi kukhala yopambana. Mpaka pomwe ndimalimbana, sindidzayambiranso kuonera zolaula mulimonse momwe zingakhalire. Ndimangomva mumtima mwanga kuti zonsezi ndizolumikizana. Kuti kukhumudwa uku ndi china chilichonse chitha m'kupita kwanthawi pomwe ubongo wanga umadziwongola. Ndiyeneranso kubwerera kukweza zolemera. Ndalola zonsezi kuwononga kukweza kwanga, ndinkakonda kukweza tsopano sindikusamala. Ndili munyimbo zoyipa kwambiri zomwe ndakhala ndikulalapo.
Komanso chenjezo lokhudza kusamba kozizira. Ndinayamba kumwa madzi ozizira nthawi yayitali ndisanadziwe za fap. Ndakhala ndikumwa mvula kwazaka zopitilira chaka ndipo ndidayamba kumva kutopa nthawi zonse ndipo sindimadziwa chifukwa chake. Ndinazindikira tsiku langa limodzi kuti akhoza kulumikizidwa, ndinasiya kumwa madzi ozizira ndipo ndinayamba kukhala ndi mphamvu zambiri. Sindikudziwa ngati zinangochitika mwangozi koma ndikuganiza kuti madzi oundana ozizira pakapita nthawi anali atagunda thupi langa kapena dongosolo lamanjenje kapena china chake. Ndikuganiza kuti ndi lingaliro labwino kwakanthawi kochepa koma osazichita kwa nthawi yayitali.
POST YOYAMBA - Funso mwachangu (Ndi backstory)
March 24, 2013,
Kodi pali umboni uliwonse wochiritsa kuyambiranso kapena kusintha kwambiri nkhawa, ndi kukhumudwa?
Apa pali maziko pang'ono pa ine. Ndinayamba kuchita zoseweretsa zofika zaka khumi ndi ziwiri, ndipo ndakhala ndikuchita pafupifupi tsiku lililonse kuyambira nthawi imeneyo. Nthawi yayitali kwambiri popanda izo inali milungu iwiri pomwe ndimayesera kuyambiranso kamodzi chifukwa nditatha kuwerenga za izi pa yourbrainonporn, ndikukhala oona mtima chifukwa chokha chomwe ndikuganiza kuti ndidakwanitsa chifukwa ndidali pa zoloft ndipo idapha libido yanga molimbika. Ndili ndi zaka zambiri ndikamatha kupeza intaneti ndimakonda kuseweretsa maliseche ambiri. Choyamba chinali zithunzi za atsikana, kenako zithunzi zolaula, kenako makanema, ndipo ndimalowa mumitundu yonse yazing'ono, zazing'ono, ndi zina. Mwayi uliwonse womwe ndimakhala ndekha ndimapezeka pa intaneti, ndikuyang'ana zolaula komanso maliseche. Pambuyo pake zinthu wamba sizinali zokwanira. Ndinayamba kuwonera makanema ocheperako, ndipo m'malingaliro mwanga ndine munthu wowongoka. Sindimakopa amuna. Zikuoneka kuti tsiku lina mchaka changa chachikulu kusekondale ndimayenda pakati pamakalasi ndipo nkhawa zambiri izi zidandigwira. Zinagopsa gehena kuchokera kwa ine, ndipo ndinayesera kukhala mkalasi koma ndinamasuka, ndinatuluka mkalasi ndikulunjika ku ofesi ya aphungu. Mwamwayi amadziwa zomwe zikuchitika ndipo adandiuza kuti mwina sinditha kuchita mantha. Zinali zabwino kudziwa chomwe chinali koma sizinandipangitse kumva bwino. Pambuyo pa chochitika choyamba chimenecho ndidakhala ndi nkhawa kuti ndikumvanso motero, chifukwa kale ndimakhala ndi nkhawa ndikamakhala ndi zaka za 10 ndipo ndimawopa kuti akukulanso mutu wawo woipawo. Tsoka ilo ndinali kulondola, palibe tsiku limodzi lomwe ndinalibe ndipo masiku ena ndimakhala ndi angapo. Ndikapanda kukhala nayo ndinali ndi nkhawa yoti ndikhale nayo. Ndidapita kwa dotolo wanga wamkulu yemwe adangokhala dokotala wa ana ndipo adandiuza kuti ndimwe hydrozine kapena china chake. Mankhwala othandizira kuti andithandizire kupumula pasukulu kuti ndikanakhoza kumaliza maphunziro. Izo sizinagwire ntchito nkomwe, ndipo ndinali wosimidwa kotero ine ndinapita kwa dokotala wina. Adandiuza xanax ndi zoloft ndipo adandifotokozera kuti xanax ndiyowonda kwambiri. Amayi anga anali otsutsana nawo onse ndipo patapita kanthawi anavomera ndikuvomera kuti ndisiye xanax, koma zoloft. Ndidatenga xanax ndipo idakonza vuto langa kwakanthawi, nthawi yoyamba yomwe ndidatenga idadabwitsa. Ndimaganiza kuti ndapeza chithandizo changa, mapiritsi amatsenga omwe adandipangitsa kuti ndipume komanso kuti ndisamve kupweteka. Koma posakhalitsa sizinagwire ntchito, ndimafunikira zina. Ndinatenga zambiri kuposa momwe ndimaganizira chifukwa sindinasamale ndipo ndinali kukhumudwa ndikuganiza kuti ndidzawonongedwa ndi nkhawa moyo wanga wonse. Ndinakhala agoraphobic ndipo sindimakonda kuchoka panyumba panga. Ndidakwanitsa kumaliza sukulu yasekondale koma nditasiya kale ndidalola agoraphobia kutenga moyo wanga ndikundiletsa kupita kukoleji. Ndinalibe ntchito, sindinapite kusukulu yasekondale, ndinalibe anzanga, palibe amene amandimvetsa kuposa mayi anga chifukwa anali ndi nkhawa zaka zanga. Ndinalowa m'malo ovuta kwambiri m'moyo wanga, ndipo mayi anga pomaliza anavomera kuti ndisiye zoloft. Zinanditengera milungu ingapo kuti ndigwire ntchito, ndipo itatha ndidamva bwino. Nditatuluka ndinapeza ntchito ndikuyamba kugwira ntchito, ndikuyamba kuchira. Zotsatira zoyipa zokha zomwe ndinazindikira panthawiyo zinali zakuti ndinali nditatsala pang'ono kuzizira. Komabe kuonera zolaula komanso kuseweretsa maliseche chinali chimodzi mwa zinthu zomwe ndimakonda kuchita, ndimatha kuzimva koma zinangotenga kanthawi ndipo sizinasiye zolimba momwe zimayenera kukhalira ndipo ndinati izi ndi zoloft. Sindinakonde izi, koma ndimayenera kupanga chisankho ndipo ngati zimatanthauza kukhala moyo wopanda nkhawa ndiye kuti nditha kupirira.
Pakati pa klonopin yomwe ndidasinthidwa ndi zoloft sindinasamale chilichonse, sindinkafuna chibwenzi. Sindinakhale ndi nkhawa koma sindinamvanso zambiri. Maganizo anga adasokonekera kwambiri, agogo anga aamuna adamwalira chaka chatha ndidali pa zoloft ndipo ndidangotulutsa misozi itatu ndipo tinali pafupi kwambiri. Usiku wina mu Januware ndidadzuka ndipo ndimadzimva wosasangalatsa, ngati kuti ndinali nditalekanitsidwa pang'ono ndi chilichonse chondizungulira. Ndikumverera kodabwitsa, komanso kovuta kufotokoza. Mitundu yofanana ndi yomwe mumayang'ana pa pepala kapena kuvala chigoba chomwe chimachepetsa masomphenya. Monga diso langa lakumanja ndilopambana, ndipo mphuno zanga zimayang'anitsitsa, komanso ndimadziwa kusiyanasiyana kwa nthaka, malo otsetsereka, ndi zina zambiri ndipo ndimakhala wopanda malire. Ndinkachita mantha kuti pamapeto pake ndimasokonezeka ndipo zidandidabwitsa, ndidachita mantha ndipo zidandibwezera m'mbuyo, ndidakhala ndi ena angapo, ndipo ndidataya chidaliro. Ndidachita kafukufuku ndipo chinthu chokha chomwe ndimapeza ndichinthu chomwe chimatchedwa kuti kuchotsera, koma sindikudziwa ngati ndi choncho. Ndikumverera kosamveka kwenikweni, koma kokhumudwitsa, kowopsa. Ndidali ndikumvapo kale ndikasuta udzu, ndipo zidandichititsa mantha ndipo ndidapeza kuti udzu sunali wanga. Zinapitilira masiku angapo, ndinapemphera kuti zisiye, sizinatero. Usiku wina ndidadwala ndikupita ku ER chifukwa palibe ma doc omwe anali otseguka nditachoka kuntchito. Ndinayesera kuwafotokozera momwe ndimamvera ndipo adanditenga ngati munthu wopenga ndipo adanditumiza kuchipatala cha amisala motsutsana ndi chifuniro changa ndipo sindiyenera kulipira ndipo ndilibe inshuwaransi. Ndinaganiza kuti ngati zoloft sadzandithandizanso kuti ndisiye, ndinawerenganso kuti zoyipa zina za zoloft ndikumverera kopatsa chidwi komanso kusindikiza mgwirizano. Ndidafunsa adotolo momwe angalekerere ndipo ndidatsata zomwe adandiuza. Ndakhala ndikupita ku zoloft kwa sabata limodzi ndi theka tsopano ndipo ndikumva bwino koma osalondola. Ndakhala ndikulimbana ndi kuchotsedwa kwa SSRI komwe kumandichititsa kuti ndizingokhalira kunjenjemera kwambiri, ndimakhala ndi zinthu zina zodabwitsa monga zamagetsi zamagetsi pamutu panga komanso zinthu zodabwitsa zomwe zikuchitika ndi masomphenya anga ngati masomphenya anga akungoyenda ngati wina akuyatsa magetsi kuchoka mofulumira. Ndidatsala njira ina yotchedwa klonopin Seputembala watha kotero kwakhala pafupifupi miyezi isanu ndi iwiri ndipo imodziyo ndipo pakadali pano ndilibe mankhwala ndipo ndikumva ngati ndiyo njira yokhayo yopita chifukwa ambiri mwa mankhwala amisala amabweretsa mavuto ambiri kuposa amakonza.
Ndikudziwa kuti ndizochulukirapo koma ndikufuna ndikupatseni mbiri mwina wina angandiuze ngati akuganiza kuti vuto langa liyenera kuti lidayambitsidwa ndi zaka zoseweretsa maliseche. Kodi mantha anga oyamba mwina ubongo wanga ungandibweretsere chifukwa chozunza?
KULUMIKIZANA - Lipoti la Tsiku la 90
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