Kuti ndine ndani zilibe kanthu. Ndili ndi zaka 22. Ndakhala ndikuonera zolaula kwanthawi yayitali. Tinazindikira za izi ndi zaka 13/14. Ndipo adakula nthawi zosasunthika pakadali pano. Mpaka zaka 3 zapitazo pomwe ndidakhala 19. Nthawi imeneyo ndidayamba kulumikizidwa. Mwana wamkazi ameneyo anali 'jender-bender'.
Ndawonera zojambula zaku Japan kuyambira midschool ndipo NDIKUKHULUPIRIRA kuti izi zitha kukhala gawo lalikulu pakukula kwanga pakugonana. Pambuyo pa 'kusangalala' kutha. Mwana wobadwayo adasandulika chibwana china chomwe chimatchedwa autogynephilia kapena kudziyesa wekha ngati msungwana uku akumenyedwa. Zomwe bakha wouluka. Zinthu zazikulu anyamata. Koma ndinali komweko. Ndipo ndimaganiziradi kuti ndikadakhala transgender.
Mukanandiwona lero, simukanakhulupirira kuti ndine munthu ameneyo, ngakhale mutakhala ndi moyo wabwino.
Pomwe ndimayang'ana zolaula ndikukula sindinali ndekha. Ndinali loboti wachikazi, yemwe sanachite chilichonse, sanachite chilichonse ndipo moona mtima ndinali wonyansa, mwanjira ina.
Zolaula zimanditengera tanthauzo la zomwe ndili. Ndinatenga umunthu wanga wamwamuna komanso wamisala ndikuwononga.
Zinali zanga, komanso vuto langa lokha. Palibe wina. Zinali chifukwa chofooka kwanga komanso chifukwa cha ine kusasamala zoyipa.
Ndiloleni ndikuuzeni. Sindikudziwa kuti sindinatenge nthawi yayitali bwanji. Sindiwerengera masiku, sindikufuna kubzala kapena kusakula. Ndikungofuna kuti zinthu zitheke. Kuonera zolaula sikumatanthauzanso dikishonale yanga. Ndimangokhala kutali ndi izo. Palibe china chokhutiritsa mdziko muno koposa kunyamula mtsikana mmanja mwako ndi kumpsompsona ndikumulola kuti adziwe ndikumva kuti ndi mkazi ndipo umamuyamikira, kugonana kwake ndi kukongola kwake.
Dzinalo langa ndisanalisinthe linali 'BlackSnowPrince', chitsanzo cha (pepani kuti ndakhumudwitsa anthu ena. [Sindikumva chisoni]) fagot sissy shit yomwe idapitilira muubongo wanga. Nthawi imeneyo ubongo wanga nawonso ukadakhala utasinthana ndi bulangeti la pinki. Mulungu ndikumangirira kwambiri ngakhale kuziganizira. ugh. Asa.
Panthawiyo sindinathe kusiya ndikudzuka. Zithunzi zachikazi zidatenthedwa muubongo wanga wachikazi. Ichi ndichifukwa chake ndinali ndi lingaliro. Bwanji osalola kuti khansa idye kolera yomwe inali ubongo wanga. Chifukwa chake ndidayamba kuseweretsa maliseche kwa sabata limodzi. Kamodzi patsiku, kapena apo. Sindinadzutse ngati ndi sissy shit koma zidatheka. Ndipo momwe ndimazichitira izi, ndimakopeka kwambiri ndi atsikana m'masiku otsatira.
Sindinayambe ndawonapo zolaula kwakanthawi kwakanthawi, koma nthawi iliyonse ndikakhala ndikulimbikitsidwa, zomwe sizimachitika kawirikawiri. Ndikuwona zithunzi za atsikana okongola m'maso mwanga.
Zinthu zomwe zidasintha pambuyo pa PMO konse:
- Ndachokanso m'nyumba yanga. Osati kukhala moyo wabwinobwino wonyansa wamunthu.
- Ndimakondwera kucheza ndi anthu ndikupita zakumwa ndi maphwando.
- Ine ndimachita bwino ndi azimayi, ngakhale kukhala ndi iwo amabwera pambuyo panga.
- Mawu anga ndi akuya kwambiri.
- Ndine munthu wamakhalidwe abwino pomwe palibe malingaliro opatsirana pogonana.
- Ndikumva ngati mwamuna. Ndine mwamuna, mwamuna weniweni. Mwamuna yemwe saopa kuwonetsa amuna ndi akazi ena kuti ndi mamuna. Mwaulemu koma mwaulemu.
Ndinazindikira kuti sindine munthu wabwino kapena munthu wabwino. Sindingadzitchule kuti ndine munthu woipa koma ndimangovomereza chizindikirocho kuti ndizisangalala kukhala woimira satana.
Pali china chake pakati pa kukhala chabwino ndi choyipa.
Pomwe PMO chidaliro changa chidafika povuta ndidaopa kuti ena akundikana ndichifukwa chake ndimakhala kuti 'ndimasewera bwino' m'mawu ena ndimakhala wopusitsa kuti ndilandiridwe, zomwe zimapangitsa anthu 'ozizira' kusiya kundilemekeza . Ndipo choseketsa ndichakuti, sindimadziwa kuti ndikunama! Ndinalingaliradi kuti ndinali munthu wabwino. M'malo mwake ndimangokhala wamantha, wopanda pake komanso wotopetsa.
Nthawi imeneyo, palibe chilichonse chamunthu chomwe chinali mkati mwanga chomwe chimawala. Khalidwe langa linalibe.
Ndinakhala wodzikonda kwambiri eya. Palibe kukonda ena ngati simudzikonda nokha mukudziwa. Ndinayambiranso masewera. Ndimachita masewera olimbitsa thupi ndimapita kukasambira. Ndimachita zoyipa kachiwiri. Sindikulola kukhala ndi thupi lofooka komanso lopanda amuna. Zakudya zanga zimayang'aniranso ndi ine, osati njira ina yozungulira monga kale ndi PMO. Ndimasamaliranso zoyipa. Ndimachita zinthu moona mtima ndikuchita zinthu.
Ndimanyoza anime pondipangitsa kukhala wocheperako panthawiyo. Ndi poizoni amene amadetsa anthu osatetezeka ndipo pang'onopang'ono amawasandutsa a weirdo. Osati kuti ndine wopanda tsankho. Musalole kuti ana anu aziyang'ana. Sizosangalatsa. Ndizodabwitsa. Monga fuck. Ndipo zingowonjezera kuthawa kwawo. Ndinaphunzira kudana ndi kuthawa. Ndinaphunzira 'kudana ndi intaneti', chifukwa imawononga nthawi yanga yambiri ndipo ndidachitapo kale. Ndinganene chiyani. Ndili ndi anzanga tsopano, atsikana omwe amandikonda. Inde ndikudziwa, kukhala ndi 'kulumikizana' ndi atsikana oposa m'modzi kumandipangitsa kukhala munthu woyipa koma osapita kunkhondo
- Ndikuphunzira digiri yanga, ndili ndi tsogolo labwino.
- Ndine muvi wowongoka, wamwamuna, wamwamuna, wamwamuna kachiwiri.
- Ndimatha kuyendetsa bwino mtima ndipo ndili wodekha komanso wosavuta tsopano.
- Ndakhala ndiudindo. Ine ndimachita zinthu. (ndikunena izi kwa nthawi ya 3rd koma chilichonse)
- Thupi langa likusokonekera ndipo ndimagwira ntchito zambiri.
Chifukwa chake uthenga womwe ndikufuna kukuwombera: Chilichonse ndi chilichonse chikhoza kusintha. Ndimaganiza zodzipha kale m'mutu mwanga. Ndi kuseka bwanji! Ndakhala wopusa bwanji. Mutha kusintha. Mudzasintha. Sinthani, tsopano!
NDINABWERETSA PAKATI PA MUMTIMA, NDIPONSO MTIMA WANGA NDI MALO AWA NDIMAYESA, kapena china chonga icho.
Chete, khalani olimba, apangitseni abambo kunyada.
LINK - NDIMAYESA KWAMBIRI
by Jason Liam
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