Chifukwa chake, iyi ndi nkhani yosamvetseka, komanso yokongola kwambiri, koma ndikuganiza ndizomwe gulu ili likunena motero zikuwoneka zoyenera. Ndizitali kwambiri, koma ndikulumbira kuti ngati muwerenga zonsezo, muwona momwe PMO ingakhalire yamphamvu komanso momwe NoFap ingakhalire yamphamvu. Apa sipapita chilichonse.
CHABWINO. Kuyambira tsiku lomwe ndinabadwa, ndimakonda akazi. Panalibe kukayikira konse m'malingaliro mwanga kuti sindinali china koma owongoka mwa anyamata owongoka kwambiri padziko lapansi (monga momwe aliyense angakhalire, zivute zitani). Ndipo sikuti ndimamva ngati ndikulakwitsa kusakhala wowongoka kapena china chilichonse, sizinawonekere m'maganizo mwanga kuti mwina ndingakhale gay kapena bi kapena trans kapena zina zake.
Ndidazindikira kuti ndikumera ndikakhala pafupi 6 kapena apo, mwinanso wocheperako, osagwiritsa ntchito buku kuti ndipikisane ndi membala wanga ndipo posakhalitsa ndikuzindikira kuti zimadabwitsa ndikazichita motalika kokwanira. Chifukwa chake ndimachita izi pafupipafupi koma sindinayambe kulakalaka za atsikana mpaka patatha zaka zingapo. Ndipo ngakhale apo, zinali zowonjezera kukonda zovala zamkati zamakalata a Spiegel ndi JC Penny. Palibe wopenga kwambiri.
Kenako, monga anthu ambiri pano, ndazindikira intaneti ndipo ndimatha kupeza zamisala zonse zomwe ndikanafuna kuziwona. Nditayamba kusefukira, ndikuyamba kugwiritsa ntchito dzanja langa, ndimangokhala ndi zolaula zenizeni ndipo ndimakonda kuyang'ana pa Solo Galleries ndikupeza atsikana omwe amawoneka ngati atsikana omwe ndimadziwa m'moyo weniweni kapena wina amene ndimaganiza kuti ndingakhale naye. Ndimagwiritsabe ntchito malingaliro anga, inenso, ndipo sindimayang'ana ngakhale zolaula nthawi iliyonse yomwe ndimakhala. Koma ndikadakhala kamodzi kamodzi patsiku.
Chifukwa chake, nthawi imapita, ndimayamba sukulu yasekondale ndipo ndidayamba zolaula. Chinthu chododometsa kwambiri chomwe ndimayang'ana mwina ndi kugona ndi nyama, ndipo ndikuganiza kuti izi zidachokera kuti sindinayikidwepo kusekondale ndipo lingaliro loti ndikhale ndi nyama limawoneka ngati njira yokhayo yomwe ndingadziwire zomwe zili mkati mwa nyini ndinamva ngati. (Sindinachitepo kanthu pa mantha awa, mwamwayi, si komwe nkhaniyi ikupita).
China chomwe ndidayamba kuchita ndikudzilimbitsa ndekha, osati kwenikweni chifukwa ndimafuna kugona ndi mnyamata, koma chifukwa ndimaganiza kuti ndingafotokozere zomwe zingandilowetse mumtima momwe ziyenera kukhalira mtsikana. Ndipo chinali chochitika chosangalatsa ndipo chimamveka bwino, makamaka, chifukwa chake ndidayamba kugwiritsa ntchito izi posinthasintha koma sindimaganizira kwambiri.
Zaka zingapo pambuyo pake, ndidayamba kumeta tsitsi langa ndikupita kukoleji koma sindinathe kuyatsidwa. Inenso ndinadzipatula kwambiri ku koleji kuposa momwe ndinalili ku High School, inenso. Ngakhale sindinali Don Juan ku High School, ndinali ndi anzanga ambiri komanso osakhala ndi nkhawa zambiri ku koleji, ndimadzimva kuti ndili kutali ndi zomwe ndimapanga ndipo zidandivuta kukumana ndi anthu. Zizolowezi zanga zodziseweretsa maliseche zidasinthiratu ndikuwona zolaula zambiri za Transexual ndi Lady Boy ndikulingalira mochulukira momwe zimakhalira ndi kugonana ngati mtsikana.
Tsiku lina, ndinayamba kuona kuti zingakhale zophweka kwambiri kuti ndipeze ngati ndili mtsikana, ndipo popeza ndinali ndi tsitsi lalitali, ndinaganiza kuti ndinali pafupi ndi theka, choncho ndinayamba kuvala nsomba zapamadzi ndi kudziyerekeza kuti ndine mtsikana pamene ndikanatha. Vuto lokha linali kuti ine ndikhoza kutembenuzidwa ndi lingaliro lakuti ndikulowetsedwa, koma anyamata, okha, sanakhalepo okondana kwambiri kwa ine. Ndikanati ndikawone akazi okongola kusukulu ndikutembenuka, koma sindinayambe ndamuwona mnyamata wabwino ndikukhala ndi maganizo omwewo. Koma ndinapitiriza kuvala ngati mtsikana, koma sindinadziwe kuti ndiwe wamantha. Ndikukhulupirira kuti sindinamvepo ngati ndikugonana pa nthawi iliyonseyi chifukwa nthawi yomwe ndinkangokhalira kulowetsa, sizinali ngati mnyamata, nthawi zonse zimakhala ngati msungwana, motero, zinali zongoganizira kukhala ubale wa hetero.
Nditamaliza maphunziro anga kukoleji, komabe, ndinali pa phwando lomaliza maphunziro, ndipo simukudziwa, ndinakumana ndi mtsikana ndipo usiku wotsatira, tinapita kunyumba kwanga, ndipo ndinagona koyamba. Ndipo zinali bwino. Sizinali zopumira koma koma ndikuganiza kuti ndimangokhala wamantha chifukwa chatenga nthawi yayitali kotero kuti sindinkafuna kusokoneza zinthu. Mwamwayi zonse zidayenda bwino ndipo ndidayamba kuwona ndikugona ndi mtsikanayo pafupipafupi kwa mwezi umodzi.
Munthawi imeneyi, sindinachite maliseche kwenikweni, ndipo ndinali wokhutira kungoyikidwa. Sindinamvekenso chidwi chokhala mtsikana, mwina. Patatha mwezi, komabe, mtsikanayo adasunthira komabe, zolimbikitsazo sizinabwererenso.
Ndinagona ndi atsikana okwana 5 m'miyezi isanu ndi umodzi yotsatira ndipo ndinamva bwino, ndikugonana.
Zitatha izi, ndidagwera pachipsinjo chachikulu pazifukwa zambiri. Mmodzi mwa atsikana omwe ndimagona nawo anali m'modzi wa anzanga apamtima nthawi yayitali kotero ndinataya bwenzi lapamtima, kenako ndinasiya bwenzi lina lapamtima lomwe ndimamva kuti likundilemetsa, ndipo ndinali kukonzekera kusamukira ku Los Angeles kumapeto kwa chaka koma analibe ndalama zokwanira ndipo anali wopanikizika kwambiri nazo, naponso. Ndinkadanso ntchito yomwe ndimagwira ndipo ndinali ndi matenda a Office Space komwe tsiku lililonse linali tsiku loipa kwambiri m'moyo wanga.
Ine ndiye, usiku wina, ndinali ndi lingaliro kuti ngati ndikanakhala msungwana, ndikadatha kupeza munthu yemwe angandilipire chilichonse pamoyo wanga, ndipo sindiyenera kugwira ntchito ndipo ndikhoza kukhala ndi moyo waufulu womwe Ndakhala ndikulakalaka nthawi zonse. Ndazindikira kuti kumveka molakwika pamutu, koma lingaliroli lidandilimbikitsa kwambiri. Kenako ndinazindikira kuti moyo ndi wovuta kwambiri kwa anthu a Transgender kotero ndidasiya dongosololi, ndikupanga nkhani yayifupi, ndidatsimikiza kuti ndiyenera kukhala gay kuti ndichite izi, ndipo popeza ndimakonda kale lingaliro lolowetsedwa , zingakhale pafupi kwambiri ndi chinthu chomwecho ndipo nditha kupeza munthu wachuma yemwe ndi wachuma kuti andilipire ngongole zanga. Apanso, ndikuzindikira kuti izi ndi zoyipa bwanji, koma ndinali mega wopsinjika kotero ndinali wofunitsitsa yankho.
Kenako ndinayamba kujambula zolaula usiku uliwonse, koma ndimangoganiza zongokhala wachikazi ndikulamulidwa ndi wina wamphamvu kuposa ine, koma ngati ndimayesa kuganizira za kukhalapo kwamwamuna m'malingaliro, zidatero Palibe kanthu kwa ine, kupatula ndikumbutseni kuti sindinakopeke ndi anyamata. Zinali zophweka kwa ine kuti ndizitha kuonera zolaula ndikungoyerekeza kuti ndine mtsikanayo. Koma, monga inu nonse mukudziwa, kudzera pakupitilira kopitilira muyeso, pamapeto pake ndinatulutsa malingaliro amenewo ndikudziwitsa ndekha kuti ndimangoopa kukopeka ndi mnyamata chifukwa anthu amaganiza kuti ndizolakwika ndipo ndinali nditakhazikika ganizo loti kukopa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kuyenera kuponderezedwa.
Kenaka ine ndinasamukira ku LA ndipo ndinaganiza kuti apa ndiye potsiriza mwayi wanga kuti ndiyesere kukhala ndi mnyamata. Zinanditengera kanthawi kuti ndikakomane ndi anthu koma potsiriza ndinatero ndipo ndinakumana ndi mnyamata yemwe angakhale mwamuna wanga woyamba.
Ndikufunanso kuwonjezera kuti ndikanakopeka ndi atsikana okha omwe ndimawawona mumsewu, koma ngati ndingayesere kuwapeza, ndimakhala ndi nkhawa yayikulu ndikuganiza kuti sindingathe chiwerewere molimba kotero ndimatha kubwerera ndikulingalira zoloŵera mkati ndipo, panthawi yamalungo, zinali zabwino, koma pambuyo pake, ndimakhala ndi nkhawa zina chifukwa ndimadziwiratu mkati mwanga kuti sindimakopeka kwenikweni ndi anyamata. Koma, ndinapeputsanso izi ndikuganiza kuti ndi anthu omwe amandipatsa ziwanda izi, osati zilakolako zanga zakugonana.
Chifukwa chake, kubwerera kwa mnyamata yemwe ndidakumana naye, sindinakopeke naye koma amandikonda kwambiri komanso anali wolemera, kotero ndidapereka. Zachidziwikire, ndidasankha kukhala pansi. Ndipo, moona mtima, kugonana sikunali koyipa kwambiri kuposa kale lonse ndipo kunali kozizira bwino, ndipo pamapeto pake ndinali ndi munthu yemwe adakopeka ndi ine zomwe zimandipatsa chilimbikitso. Koma nthawi iliyonse yomwe sitinkagonana kapena ngati sindinali kukula, sindinathe kuti moyo wanga usinthike ndi lingaliro loti ndikhale ndi mnyamata, koma panthawiyi, ndinali nditapeputsa kuzindikira kukopa kwanga kwa akazi mochuluka kotero kuti kunali kovuta kuti ine ndiyambenso kuyendanso ndi iwo, mwina. Pambuyo pake ndinayamba kuganiza kuti sindidzakopekanso ndi wina aliyense, zomwe zinali zomvaipira kwambiri padziko lapansi.
Choncho, pakapita nthawi, nditakhala ndi nthawi yaitali ndikusuta fodya (zomwe ndakhala ndikuchita kuyambira 16, zomwe zinathandizanso kupanga zovuta zokhudzana ndi kugonana), ndinapeza chithandizo cha cocaine ndikuyamba kumwa mankhwala osokoneza bongo. ndikufuna kuti ndidziwe kuti ndine wachinyamata ndipo ndikuganiza kuti coke horniness ingandilole kuti ndiwonetsetse nkhawa zanga ndipo ndingathe kuvomereza kuti ndine amzanga. Mwamwayi, izi sizinachitike ndipo ndangodandaula kwambiri.
Koma patapita nthawi, ndinali ndi mnzanga wosasunthika kubwera ndikukhala pa nyumba yanga kwa kanthawi kuti ndiwathandize ndi lendi ndipo adatha kusokonezeka kwa mantha ndikupita kwathunthu ku khoma lakunja ndi nyundo ndi chisel ndisanatenge TV yanga kuchokera pawindo langa la 6th pansi, kotero ndikuoneka kuti ndikuchotsedwa mwamsanga ndipo posakhala ntchito ndikukhala ndi ndalama zochepa zomwe ndinasungira, ndinaganiza zokweza ndi kubwerera kunyumba kwa kanthawi kuti ndibwezereni zonse zanga moyo.
Ndimachokera m'tawuni yaying'ono kwambiri nditafika kwa makolo anga, nthawi yomweyo ndimakonda bata ndi mtendere kuchokera mzindawo, komanso ndinali wamisala. Ndinapitilizabe kusuta mphika pa reg ndipo ndinapitilizabe kulimbana ndi ziwanda zanga zogonana, ndikuwona kuti ndimakonda kugonana ndi ndani pomwe ndimatha. Ndipo ndimakhala ndikukula tsiku lonse. Kotero, nthawi yonse yomwe ndinali ku LA ndi miyezi inayi yomwe ndinali kunyumba, ndinali fap makina akugwira ntchito kuti ndipeze kugonana komwe ndimakhumba kwambiri. Zachidziwikire kuti iyi inali njira yoyipa yodzipezera yokha ndipo idangobweretsa kukhumudwa komanso chisokonezo.
Kenako, kugogoda kuchokera kumizimu yakumwamba kudatsika ndipo ndidapemphedwa kuti ndikakhale ndi mchimwene wanga, yemwe anali ndi mavuto ake azaumoyo, kuti ndimuthandize kuzungulira nyumba yake ndi zinthu zina. Ndinkadziwa kuti sindingathe kupeza udzu, ndipo ndimaganiza kuti kutuluka kwathu ndikundithandizanso kuchotsa mutu wanga.
Pomwe ndimapita pagalimoto yake (pafupifupi maola khumi kuchokera kunyumba kwa kholo langa), ndimaganizira kwambiri zomwe zimachitika mmoyo wanga ndipo ndidayamba kulingalira zomwe ndimafuna kuti zisakhalepo. Ndinazindikira kuti ndimangowopa kuti ndizidzisamalira ndekha ndikugwira ntchito kwa moyo wanga wonse kuti ndikhale ndi moyo komanso kukhala waulesi komanso womva izi, malingaliro awa adandiwopseza. Ndipo pamwamba pa izo, ndinadzilola kuti ndizindikire kuti ndakhala ndikukopeka ndi atsikana nthawi yonseyi koma ndinkangoopa kuti sindinali wamwamuna wokwanira kapena woyenera kuti msungwana afune kukhala ndi ine kapena kuganiza kuti ine amayenera kudalira chilichonse. Inali nthawi yoyamba kuti ndikhale woona mtima kwa ine ndekha kwakanthawi, zinali ngati cholemetsa chidachotsedwa pamapewa anga. Koma ulendowu sunathere pomwepo.
Pambuyo pake ndidafika kwa mchimwene wanga ndipo ndidaganiza zopitiliza kulingalira za izi kuti ndiwone komwe zinganditengere.
Kusiya udzu kunali kosavuta kuyambira A) Sindinasankhe chifukwa chosakhala ndi wothandizira ndipo B) idayamba kundipanga kukhala wopanikizika kwambiri komanso wopanda pake, ndipo ndakhala ndikukhala ku LA. Ine ndinasiya ku NoFap ndipo ndinayamba kuona kuti zomwe ndakhala ndikuchita, ndikuchita maliseche osiyana siyana ku zolaula zosiyana siyana, ndinali ndikukumba zingapo m'mtima mwanga ndikudzipangitsa ndekha kuti zomwe ndimamva ndikuona zolaula ndi zomwe ine anali wokonda kwenikweni kugonana ndi moyo weniweni! Ndinazindikira kuti zanga zonse zokhudzana ndi kugonana komanso zowonjezereka zinali zopanda pake koma zongomangirira zomwe ndakhala ndikukumanga m'malingaliro anga pa moyo wanga wonse mpaka pomwepo.
Ndinadabwa koma zonse zinayamba kumveka.
Nthawi yomweyo ndinayamba NoFap ndipo ndakhala ndikuchita pafupifupi mwezi umodzi ndi masiku 4. Zotsatira zakhala zodabwitsa. Ndimadya wathanzi tsopano ndipo ndayamba kuchita kachitidwe ka yoga ndipo ndikuyenda mofulumira koma ndithudi, chilakolako changa chogonana chinabwereranso kuchitidwe cha amayi okha.
Ndipo kachiwiri, palibe cholakwika ndi kugonana kapena kukopeka ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi, koma nditakhala ndi nkhawa zazikulu za izo komanso kusakwaniritsidwe ngakhale kukhala ndi mwamuna wamwamuna, ndapeza mpumulo woterewu kuti ndikondwere akazi kachiwiri. Poyamba ndimamverera ngati zomwe ndinkakonda ndikaganizira za chikondi cham'tsogolo chimene chikadalipo.
Ndimakonda kukongola, ukazi, kusuntha, kukoma mtima kwa amayi-zonsezi, monga momwe ndanakhalira ndisanakhale ndi chizoloŵezi chokula ndipo ndimamva mwachibadwa monga kale. Sindingathe kukhala wosangalala kapena kutonthozedwa tsopano pakanakhala palibe NoFap ndi mphamvu zodzifufuza.
Chifukwa chake, kumaliza zonsezi, sikunakhale ulendo wosavuta, koma ndimawona ngati ndaphunzira zambiri zakutengera kukopa ndikudzimva kuponderezedwa ndikuwonedwa ndi anthu (komanso inemwini) ndikungoti za umunthu wonse. Koposa zonse, ndili wokondwa kwambiri kuti ndazindikira kuti ndine ndani komanso zomwe ndimayenera kuchita padziko lapansi pano ndipo sindikuganiza kuti ndikadatha popanda thandizo yowerengera bolodi iyi ndikudutsa ndi NoFap ndekha.
Tsopano, sindimaganiziranso za anyamata kapena kukhala ndi zipsinjo ndikawona mkazi wokongola yemwe tsopano ndimalola kukopeka naye kwambiri.
PMO ndi chinthu choopsa ndipo akhoza kusokoneza anthu kunja komwe akufunafuna yankho, monga momwe ndinalili. Ndikukuthokozani nonse chifukwa chokongoletsa nkhani zanu za tsoka ndi chilimbikitso ndipo ndikulakalaka ndikanakhala ndi mwayi wina aliyense amene akukumana ndi mavuto omwewo.
Muyenera kukhala olimba mtima ndikufuna kudziwa zambiri za inu nokha, koma molimba mtima ndikudzipereka, ndizotheka.
Ndikufuna kuti aliyense akhale woona kwa iwo okha, ndipo ndikuyembekeza kuti nkhani yanga ingathandize munthu kunja monga nkhani zina zonse zandithandizira.
Zikomo aliyense, ndipo zikomo chifukwa chowerenga!
Ndipo mwayi wabwino.
LINK - Kusintha kwa Kugonana (kapena Kubwezeretsa) kuchokera kuNoFap- mwezi wa 1
by ArcadeBlaze8
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