Ndachita nofap / zolaula pa hardmode m'masiku 180 apitawa. Ndakhala ndikukhala ndi 1 nthawi yonseyi ndipo ndimalota mvula tsiku la 14. Ili ndiye gawo langa loyamba pomwe ndidayamba zolaula komanso nofap. Palibe positi ya masiku 30, palibe masiku 90, palibe. Ndapewa kulemba chilichonse chifukwa ngakhale ndidachita bwino, miyezi 8 yomaliza yakhala yoyipa kwambiri m'moyo wanga.
Ukwati wanga unatha, bizinesi yanga idayamba kuyenda, ndipo sindinadziwenso kuti ndine ndani. Ndikukhulupiriradi kuti zolaula komanso nofap ndiye chifukwa chake sindinachite zopusa komanso zosasinthika m'moyo wanga wonse unandizungulira. Ndili ndi kachilomboka m'mutu mwanga m'mawa uno kuti ndakonzeka kulemba kena kake ndipo ndinadabwa kuzindikira kuti linali tsiku la 180. Kinda zoseketsa. Izi sizikhala posachedwa, ndiye palibe vuto ngati simukuwerenga. Zili makamaka kuti ine ndipeze malingaliro anga. Ndikukhulupirira kuti ena mwa omwe amawerenga apeza china chothandiza kapena china chomwe chingakutsimikizireni. Tonse tili limodzi.
Ndinayamba ndi PMO ndili ndi zaka zapakati pa khumi (zogonana ndinali wam'mbuyo) ndipo mpaka ndinali 19 inali malo anga okha. Ndikakumbukiranso ndikutha kuwona kuti atsikana ena anali ndi chidwi ndi ine, koma kudzidalira kwanga komanso nkhawa zanga sizinandilole kuti ndiziwone. Ngakhale ndikadazindikira kuti mwina ndikadakhala kuti ndikadafikiratu. Zolaula komanso maliseche zinali zanga. Mkazi wanga wamtsogolo ndi ine tinayamba chibwenzi tili ndi zaka 18. Iye anali msungwana woyamba kwambiri yemwe ndidakhala naye pachibwenzi. Titangoyamba kukhala ndi thupi, ndinadabwa kuti sindimatha kudzuka. Ndinali ndi nkhawa komanso mantha osaneneka kotero kuti thupi langa lidasokonekera m'maganizo mwanga ndipo sindimatha kumvetsetsa zomwe zimandivuta. Mpaka zaka zingapo zapitazi pomwe ndidazindikira kuti PMO anali gawo lavutoli. Pambuyo pake ndinazindikira zinthu naye ndipo anali wothandiza modabwitsa komanso womvetsetsa. Sindinasiye PMO kwa nthawi yayitali, komabe. Kunali komweko kwa ine ndikapanikizika, nditatopa, pomwe sindinathe kuwona gf yanga kwakanthawi, mkati mwa sabata ndili ku koleji (timapita kusukulu kutalikirana maola 2), ndipo nthawi iliyonse ndimamva pansi ndikusowa njira yachangu kuti mumve bwino, ngati kwakanthawi.
Zinayambitsa mavuto ogonana. Kwa nthawi yayitali ndimakhala ndi vuto lokhala ndi chilakolako chogonana ndekha. Nthawi zambiri ndinkangoganizira za zolaula ndikugonana kuti ndikufike pachimake. Nthawi iliyonse yomwe zimachitika, manyazi omwe ndimamva anali osapiririka. Ndinali ndi msungwana wodabwitsa (wokongola, wothandizira, wachikondi) ndipo ndimayenera kulingalira azimayi ena kuti azipita kwinaku akugonana naye. Ndizovuta bwanji? Pazaka zathu zonse zokhala pachibwenzi (zaka 5) ndi banja lathu (zaka 7), PMO nthawi zonse amakhala gawo la moyo wanga komanso amandipatsa mlandu waukulu. Nthawi ina zaka zingapo zapitazo ndidamuuza mkazi wanga za izi. Adapweteka kwambiri koma adatha kumuthandiza. Komabe, ndikuganiza kuti adasiya kundikhulupirira panthawiyo ndipo ndichimodzi mwazinthu zomwe zidapangitsa kuti banja lithe. Ndinatha kusiya miyezi ingapo pamenepo, koma sizinathe. Bizinesi yanga imanditengera nthawi yanga yonse ndi mphamvu zanga ndipo sizimayenda bwino. Kupsinjika kwanga kunali kudutsa padenga. Ine ndi mkazi wanga tinayamba kugonana pang'ono. Pamapeto pake ndinayambiranso makhalidwe anga akale.
Mu Disembala chaka chatha ndidakumana ndi mkazi wanga ndikuti sindinali wokondwa. Ndimamva ngati akuthawa kwa ine (anali atakhala miyezi) ndikuti ndikufuna kuyesa kuyanjana pamodzi. Iye anali chinthu chabwino kwambiri m'moyo wanga ndipo sindinangokhala osachita chilichonse tikamasiyana. Zachisoni, amamva kale kuti tasiyana kwambiri. Ndimadana naye kwambiri chifukwa chosatimenyera nkhondo; kudikirira kuti anene chilichonse mpaka iye analibe chidwi ndi upangiri kapena kuyesa konse. Ndidazindikira miyezi ingapo pambuyo pake kuti panali wina kale panthawiyo. Chonde mvetsetsani kuti chisudzulocho sichinali vuto lake lonse: sindinamuwonetse kuti ndimamukonda m'njira zomwe amamvetsetsa (Aliyense amene angafune kukhala pachibwenzi ayenera kuwerenga bukuli mozama, ndikutanthauza. Ndikukhulupiriradi kuti malingaliro omwe ali m'bukuli atha kupulumutsa banja langa ngakhale ali ndi PMO), kupsinjika kwanga ndi kukhumudwa kwanga chifukwa cha bizinesiyo zidamukhudza kuposa momwe ndidaganizira, ndinali wowopsa kutsatira zinthu zomwe zimawoneka zazing'ono mnyumba (kuchita mbale, kuyeretsa, ndi zina zambiri), ndimalola kupsinjika kwanga kumandipangitsa kuti ndikhale wokhumudwa pafupipafupi. Kunena zoona, sindinasangalale kukhala nawo. Ngakhale zonsezi, sindinawone chisudzulocho chikubwera. Ndimaganiza kuti tidali ndi misana. Tonse tili ndi chitetezo kwa anthu omwe sitikukhulupirira, motsutsana ndi alendo, motsutsana ndi aliyense amene tikuganiza kuti sangatifunire zabwino. Koma ngati timakhulupiriradi winawake, tiribe chitetezo chotsutsana naye. Akatipweteka, zimapweteka kwambiri kuposa zomwe wina aliyense angatipweteketse. Ndikuyesera kuti ndisakhale wopitilira muyeso koma moona mtima sindimadziwa kuti ndimatha kumva kupweteka kwambiri.
Chifukwa chake, nditazindikira komwe zinthu zaima, ndinayamba kugwira ntchito. Pa ine. Ndinayambanso nofap ndi zolaula (zambiri zinalephera zoyesayesa zakale, zomwe zimakhala zosakwana sabata la 1). Ndinayambanso kusinkhasinkha pafupipafupi. Ndinayamba kuchita masewera olimbitsa thupi. Ndinkakhulupirirabe panthawiyo kuti ndikhoza kukonza zinthu. Ndinali kulakwitsa kwambiri, koma mwanjira ina sizinandilepheretse ndi nofap / zolaula. Nayi gulu lazosintha paulendo wamasiku 180:
- Choyamba, ndinangoyamba kuchita bwino ndikayamba kuganizira za zolaula komanso nofap nthawi yomweyo. Ndikadangopanga nofap, ndikadzidalira ndikungowonera kanema kapena 2 sinali vuto lalikulu. Ganizirani momwe izo zinathera nthawi zonse. Ndikadakhala ndikukula koma ndikupewa zolaula, pakati pomwe mphamvu zanga zikadakhala zotsika kwambiri ndimaganizira momwe zingakhalire bwino ndikanangowonera china chake chotentha ndikumachita. Chifukwa chake kwa ine amayenera kukhala onse awiri kapena ayi, ndipo sindinabwererenso kuyambira pamenepo.
- Masiku 30 oyambirira anali ovuta kwambiri. Ndimadzipeza ndikulemba ulalo woopsa osaganizira. Ndinali wamisala kwamasabata angapo oyamba. Pambuyo pake chinali chizolowezi komanso kupsinjika komwe kunatsala pang'ono kundibwezera.
- Ndinalota maloto tsiku la 14 ndipo ndiye vuto lokhalo lomwe ndidakhala nalo m'miyezi ya 6. Thupi langa likuwoneka kuti lazolowera moyo wamtunduwu, apo ayi ndikutsimikiza ndikadakhala ndi maloto ambiri kuti thupi langa "litsuke mapaipi." Ndine wodabwitsidwa ndi izi. Ndimaganiza kuti ndikulimbana ndi maloto onyowa nthawi zonse. Ngakhale zinthu zambiri zomwe ndikulimbana nazo masiku ano, ndimakhala wathanzi, wamaganizidwe, komanso wamaganizidwe kuti ndili ndi moyo wanga wonse nditatha msinkhu. Nditawerenga pa Karezza, continence yamwamuna, coitus reservatus, ndi zina zambiri. Ndikuganiza zopita pachimake pokhapokha nditayesa kutenga pakati. Ndi momwe ndakhala ndikumvera komanso momwe thupi langa lasinthira izi sindikuwona chifukwa chomasinthira mtsogolo. Ndikumva ngati lingaliro loyenera kwa ine kwakanthawi.
- Mphamvu Zapamwamba? Ayi. Kundisunga ndimaganizo pang'ono ndikamadzipatsa ulemu ndikamadutsa ku gehena pamoyo wanga wonse? Fuck eya. Ndakhala wokhumudwa kwambiri koma ndikudziwa motsimikiza ndikadakhala woyipa kwambiri ngati PMO akadali gawo la moyo wanga. Nthawi zonse ndinkakhala ndi manyazi pambuyo pa PMO, kuwonjezera pa kupsinjika mtima, ubongo wa ubongo kwa masiku, kuvutika kuganizira, kukhumudwa mosavuta komanso kukwiya, ndi zina zotero. Zizindikirozi zinali zochepa ndikamachita zachiwerewere, koma ndikuyang'ana mmbuyo perekani pamlingo wina uliwonse ndikakhala ndi vuto. Zinali zodabwitsa kuzindikira kuti kwa ine, ziphuphu zimatha kundichotsa pamasewera kwa masiku angapo. Ndinali wosangalala komanso wosadziimba mlandu nditagonana, koma zoyipa zake zinali pamenepo.
- “Oposa mphamvu?” Inde. Ngakhale zonse zomwe ndakhala ndikukumana nazo, mwanjira ina kuyankhula ndi alendo ndikosavuta. Anthu amawoneka omasuka ndikakhala ndi ine. Ndakhala ndikuuzidwa ndi mchimwene wanga (yemwe ndimzanga weniweni) kuti ngakhale zoyipa zikuchitika, akuwona moyo wochuluka mwa ine tsopano kuposa kale, kuphatikizapo ubwana wathu. Ndakhala ndi akazi okongola kwambiri omwe amayankha mwachidwi pazokambirana zazing'ono m'malo ngati golosale kuposa kale. Ndakhala ndikulumikizana ndi diso, kumwetulira kwambiri, ndi zina zambiri. Ndimapeza izi zoseketsa ndikaganizira momwe moyo wanga ulili pakadali pano.
- * Ma Flatline? Inde. Zambiri zazitali komanso zazifupi. Pambuyo pafupifupi tsiku la 20, ndimakhala pansi pamasabata osachepera 6. Chikhumbo chochepa kwambiri, chopanda matabwa am'mawa, ndi zina zambiri. Mungaganize kuti ndizosavuta kupewa PMO koma sizinatero. Ndingayesedwe chifukwa cha kupsinjika, chifukwa cha chizolowezi, chifukwa ndinali wokhumudwa ndipo ndimafuna kumva bwino munthawiyo, ndi zifukwa zina zambiri. Ponseponse, bola ngati sindinadandaule za ma flatline sanali vuto lalikulu.
- Akazi ndi okongola komanso odabwitsa. Ndimadzipeza ndekha osati kukopeka kokha komanso ndikudzifunsa momwe alili ngati anthu. Kodi ndizosangalatsa momwe amawonekera? Nthawi zonse ndimakhala wokondana moponderezedwa, ndipo kuponderezana kumeneku kumatha pang'onopang'ono. Ndikufunitsitsa kuti ndikhale ndi akazi ambiri, koma osati zogonana zokha. Ndine wokondwa kukumana ndi anthu ambiri, kuti ndidziwe zomwe ndikufuna, ndikupeza munthu woyenera. Ndili mwana komanso wachinyamata ndimakhala ndikulota zakulumikizana ndi munthu nthawi zambiri ndikakhala ndi malingaliro azakugonana ndipo chizolowezicho chimakulitsidwa ngati china chilichonse.
- Sindimayankha akazi mwakuthupi momwe ndimakhalira kale. Tsopano sizocheperako chiberekero. Chokhumba chomwe ndimamva ndikumverera kwathu m'chifuwa mwanga ndipo chimatulukira kunja kwa thupi langa lonse. (Malongosoledwe anga akumveka abwinobwino kuyambira pano mpaka pano, koma iyi ndi njira yabwino kwambiri yomwe ndingafotokozere) Ndikumva ngati kuphulika kwa mphamvu zakugonana zomwe sizikupezeka. Monga nyama yakutchire mkati mwa khola lotsekedwa, koma ndine amene ndili ndi kiyi. Ndikamamva izi chidaliro changa chimangodutsa padenga kwakanthawi. Ndikudziwa kuti zomwe ndimawona kuti ndi zolondola, kuti ndine munthu wogonana, komanso kuti ndimayang'aniratu. Sindikupondereza zachiwerewere, ndikungozitsogolera momwe ndikufuna komanso momwe zikuyenera kukhalira.
Ndiye, ndipita kuti kuchokera pano? Sindikufuna kubwereranso ku zolaula kapena zolaula. Nthawi zonse. Ndikuyembekezera kugawana zogonana kwanga ndi munthu wina (kapena maulendo angapo) omwe ndimalumikizana nawo… ndikakhala wokonzeka. Ndikumvabe kuyesedwa kwa PMO, koma pakadali pano ndi mawu ochepa chabe kumbuyo kwa mutu wanga. Gawo lamphamvu kwambiri lomwe ndamanga m'miyezi ingapo yapitayi limangoseka ndikupitilira. Zimamveka ngati ndagonjetsa chizoloŵezi ichi, komabe ndizovuta. Ndikukonzekera kukhalabe pagawoli, werengani zomwe ndingathe ndikupereka zomwe ndingathe. Ndikumanganso moyo wabwino ndikukhala ndi moyo wabwino pakati panga. Nditha kukhala miyezi isanu ndi umodzi yapitayo kapena kuphunzira kuchokera kwa iwo. Njira imodzi yokha ndiyomwe imabweretsa chisangalalo. Pakadali pano pali kuunika kumapeto kwa mumphangayo ndipo ndikupita pang'onopang'ono.
Khalani omasuka kufunsa chilichonse ndipo ndiyesetsa kuyankha.
LINK - Kusintha kwa Tsiku 180
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