Ndikulemba izi tsopano, chifukwa sindingathe kuzichita ndikadzafika masiku 90. Ndipo gehena eya, nditero! Nkhaniyi ndi yayitali kwambiri koma ndikhulupilira kuti ndiyosangalatsa ndipo mutha kutulutsa kena kake (kwa inu nokha).
Ngati pali zolakwika zilizonse chonde ndikhululukireni chifukwa Chingerezi si chilankhulo changa.
Aliyense ali chidakwa. Inenso.
Miyezi ingapo yapitayo, bwenzi langa lakale lidandisiya. Anali chikondi changa choyamba ndipo zimandipwetekabe. Zokonda zanga chifukwa cha chikondi chake zakula ola lililonse kuyambira tsiku lomwe adandichokera. Ndimagwira pang'ono vodka ndikuwombera. Ndimalingalira za nthawi yomwe tidagawana, nthawi zosangalatsa. Nthawi zambiri ndimaganizira za mphindi zosangalatsa. Nkhope yake yokongola, thupi lake lokongola. Zinthu zoipa? Sizingatheke. Anali wangwiro. Ndipo tsopano apita. Ndimatenga kuwombera kwina kwa vodika. Imasokoneza malingaliro onse. Ndimadziseweretsa maliseche chifukwa zimandithandizira kuiwala. Zimamveka bwino pazifukwa zina. Ndimachita mobwerezabwereza monga momwe ndidachitira zaka zomaliza za 12 za moyo wanga. Ndi zolaula, inde!
Patatha miyezi itatu. Mayi anga amwalira patatha zaka 15 akumenyana ndi khansa. Onse anali kwa ine. Sindingathe kufotokoza momwe ndikumvera. Zowawa. Kutayika. Ndikumva ngati mtima wanga ukuyaka ndipo sindingathe kuyimitsa. Pano ndabwerenso, ndikumwa chowombera nditawomberedwa. Kuwerengera zakukhosi kwanga. Ndimaganizira za nthawi zabwino pomwe amayi anga akadalipo ndipo ndidakhala ndi bwenzi. Ndasowa bwenzi langa lakale. Ndimachita zosewerera mobwerezabwereza.
Pambuyo pa miyezi isanu ndi umodzi. Azakhali anga amwalira ndi matenda a khansa. Anali munthu wapadera kwa ine. Kumandisamalira ndikadali mwana ndikupita kusukulu mayi anga akagwira ntchito. Adali ngati mayi wachiwiri kwa ine. Ndiponso. Zowawa. Kutayika. The Vodka. Kuledzera. Maliseche. Mwachisawawa.
Nthawi ikupita. Mwezi ndi mwezi ndimakhala ndikuledzera sabata iliyonse ndikumayimitsa ulamuliro pazonse. Atsikana okonda sindine chidwi ndipo nthawi zina sindichita nawo chidwi. Ndimasiya njira ya mtima wosweka ndi malingaliro, pomwe ndimayenda m'njira ya moyo sindimva kalikonse. Nthawi zina ubongo wanga umandilankhula ndikumandifunsa mafunso ngati "Kodi mukutsimikiza kuti simuli osokoneza bongo?". Nah. Sindinachite chizolowezi chifukwa ndili ndi zifukwa zambiri zokundithandizira. Ingopita ndi kukachita phwando ngati tsiku lomaliza padziko lapansi.
Patatha zaka ziwiri. Ndikufufuza pa intaneti, ndikuyang'ana malangizo ena abwino a momwe ndingayikire atsikana ndidawerenga china chake chokhudza mudzi womwe umatchedwa NoFap. Amalankhula za "superpowers" ndi zinthu. Mumangopeza izi mukasiya kuonera zolaula. Ndinawerenga zambiri pamutuwu ndikutsatira zolemba zina pa subreddit. Pambuyo pa masiku angapo ndidaganiza zoyesera, chifukwa ndi "apamwamba" amenewa mudzasanduka nyama yodzala ndi testosterone motero mudzapeza atsikana ambiri.
Choyamba yesani. Masiku XXUMX. Ndimamva kupweteka nditayambiranso. Zili ngati m'masiku omwe ndinasiyidwa ndi chikondi changa chenicheni. Ndimachotsa sabata ndikuchita zoseweretsa ngati gehena. Ndikufuna zolaula. Ndikufuna vodika yanga.
Kuyesera kwachiwiri. Masiku XXUMX. Wina akufuna kumva ngati zoyipa lero? Inde, chonde! Ndimachita zosewerera. Zachidziwikire: Ndikufuna vodka yanga. Ndikufuna zolaula zambiri. Zowawa!
Masiku amadutsa ndipo ndimamvanso bwino kwambiri nthawi iliyonse ndikadziseweretsa maliseche. Ndimayamba kuseweretsa maliseche kamodzi pa sabata. Kugwira ntchito bwino kwakanthawi. Sindimayambiranso kulira ndipo ndimayambiranso kuseweretsa maliseche ndikumwa.
Patatha miyezi ingapo ndikupita usiku wachisanu. Kuledzera mwachizolowezi ndi anzanga akale omwe ndimamwa kwambiri komwe kumakhala kwa ine zaka zingapo zapitazi. Ndimakhala ndi zosangalatsa, ndimavina uku ndikudya za vodika. Mmasuleni masiku atatu mu sabata limodzi. Ndikumana ndi mnzake wakale, amagula botolo la zinthu zomveka bwino. Ndimawombera. Chilichonse chimayamba kuda kuzungulira ine. Masomphenya anga amakhala osalunjika, mpaka nditakwaniritsidwa.
Patatha maola asanu. Ndimadzuka pamsewu. Ndili kuti? Thupi langa lonse limapweteka, manja anga akutuluka magazi pang'ono. Mutu wanga ukupweteka kuposa kale. Ndili ndikupunthwa mozungulira ndikupeza njira yotsika phiri lomwe ndapiteko. Patatha maola awiri ndimatha kupeza malo omwe ndimazindikira. Ndidakali kumudzi kwathu. Ndimagwira kabati ndikupita kwathu. Ndipo kugona. Monga ndimakonda kuchita kumapeto kwa sabata konseko chifukwa chodyera. Ndidadzuka ndikukhala ndi chipinda changa choyipa kwambiri. Ndikuphatikiza zoyipa zanga ndikuzindikira kuti ndi Isitara. Banja langa likundidikirira. Sindingathe kupita kuphwando la banja la Isitala. Ndimayimbira bambo anga ndikunena kuti ndikudwala chifukwa ndadya zinazake zolakwika. Bullshit. Iwo amakhulupirira izo. Sindingathe.
Ndimalonjeza ndekha kuti: Ndimasiya kumwa mowa kwa miyezi ya 6 ndipo nditatha sindikufunanso kuledzera. Sabata lomwe likubwera ndimachita zoseweretsa kwambiri ndipo sabata yoyamba ndikamaliza lonjezo langa limabwera. Ena mwa anzanga akumwa amandiyimbira. Akufuna kupita kokachita nawo phwando. Ndikukana. Amandiseka. Chifukwa ndimayesera kale kusiya "kusangalala ndi mowa" kangapo. Zomwezo zimapita kwa PMO. Ndimaliza kuyimbira. Ndikhala kunyumba. Ndekha. Lachisanu usiku. Palibe chochita. Palibe mowa. Zomverera zonse zomwe ndikanayenera kumva mzaka ziwiri ndi theka zapitazi zimangokwawa msana yanga m'mitsempha yanga. Ndikumva chilichonse komanso chosasangalatsa nthawi imodzi. Ndimadzigwira ndikadzazindikira zomwe zidzachitike mphindi zisanu zotsatira. Ndikulonjezanso: Ndikufuna kuthetsa zolaula zanga. Kuphatikiza apo ndikufuna kusiya kuseweretsa maliseche.
Masiku XXUMX pambuyo pake. Ndimakhala kunyumba kutsogolo kwa kope langa. Ndikulemba nkhani yayitali kwambiri za zaka zingapo zapitazi komanso zomwe ndakumana nazo mu nthawi imeneyo. Pomwe ndimawerenga zinthu zonse zomwe ndidalemba ndimazindikira kuti ndi zinthu zonse zoipa zomwe ndimakumana nazo pamoyo.
Sindinatchulepo kuti ndinamaliza bwanji maphunziro awo kuyunivesite nditamaliza maphunziro anga a master ku Architecture ndi mphotho yabwino. Ndakwaniritsa izi mu June 2012. Miyezi inayi mayi anga atamwalira ndi khansa. Ntchito yanga yonse idadzipereka kwa iye, chifukwa anali m'modzi wapamtima, wokonda kwambiri komanso wamphamvu kuposa wina aliyense amene ndidadziwapo kale m'moyo wanga wonse. Kungoganiza za kumwetulira kwake konyadira, kumandidzazabe mtima wanga chisangalalo.
Sindinatchulepo konsati yoyamba ya gulu langa mu Julayi 2012. Tinalemba nyimbo zisanu m'mwezi umodzi. Nyimbo yomaliza yomwe ndidasewera pa siteji ndi yomwe ndidalemba kale ex. Ngakhale nyimboyi idaperekedwa kwa iye inali imodzi yabwino kwambiri m'moyo. Ndinathokoza kuti iye ndi mayendedwe anga adutsa, chifukwa popanda iye sibwenzi ndilemba nyimbo ija. Ndikadakhala kuti ndaphonya mphindi yabwino m'moyo.
Sindinatchulepo momwe ndinapitilira paulendo wonyamula zikwama ku Thailand mu Ogasiti 2012. Tsiku lomwe ndinakafika kumeneko, azakhali anga anamwalira ndi khansa. Paulendo wanga wamiyezi itatu kudutsa dzikolo ndidafika kukachisi komwe ndimamuunikira kandulo. Inali mphindi yokongola komanso yokhalitsa.
Sindinanenepo kuti ndidazindikira bwanji kuti sindikufuna kupanga Zomangamanga konse ndipo ndidaganiza zopeza ntchito yofanana ndi yanga. Mu February 2013 ndidayamba kugwira ntchito komwe ndikugwirabe ntchito. Ndi ntchito yabwino kwambiri yomwe ndidachitapo kale ndipo imandivuta tsiku lililonse. Ndikuwona kuti ndili pamalo oyenera. Zikumveka bwino. Zimandisangalatsa.
Sindinatchulepo za anthu onse komanso abwenzi abwino omwe ndakumana nawo ku 2013. Nkhani zomwe tidagawana, nthawi zomwe tinali nazo, zinthu zomwe tachita. Ndimakumbukiranso za atsikana ndi amayi abwino omwe ndidakumana nawo m'masiku oyambirira a NoFap ndi pambuyo pake.
Zaka zingapo zomaliza zinali zovuta kwambiri komanso zabwino koposa m'moyo wanga. NoFap idandipatsa china chake chomwe ndidataya kwinakwake pakati pa kutha mpaka kukhala munthu wamkulu. NoFap idachotsa chifunga m'mutu mwanga. Kwa nthawi yoyamba m'moyo wanga ndimakhala ndi malingaliro abwino. Nthawi zina ndimamva kusewera ngati mwana, ndikusangalala ngati mphaka wagona padzuwa. Ndikumva. Sindinenso dzanzi.
Sindinakumanepo ndi zinthu ngati "zapamwamba". M'malo mwake NoFap yakumana nane ndi moyo wanga weniweni. Maganizo omwe ndikanayenera kumva. Manyazi omwe ndikadakhala nawo. Ululu womwe ndidakumana nawo. Sabata lililonse ndimakhala ndekha. Kusungulumwa. Nokha simunatero.
Ndinakankhira zonsezi pambali. Ndi zolaula komanso mowa. Ngakhale sindidzakumana ndi izi zotchedwa "superpowers". Sindisamala kenanso. Chifukwa ndili ndi chinthu chamtengo wapatali kuposa mphamvu iliyonse padziko lapansi. Nthawi. Nthawi yodzidziwira ndekha pansi. Nthawi yoti ndidziwe zomwe ndikufuna pamoyo. Ndinawerenga zambiri pamakalata omwe amayesa kuyankha funso: "Kodi NoFap ndi chiyani?". Monga nonse mukudziwa tsopano titha kutsegula mtsutsano wosatha pankhaniyi. Anthu ambiri amaiwala kuti mayankho omwe atha kufunsidwa funso ili si olondola kapena olakwika. NoFap ndi yokhudza momwe munthu amapezera yankho lolondola pafunsoli.
Ndiye ndi chiyani kwa ine? NoFap ndi njira. Mumasintha tsiku ndi tsiku, mwezi ndi mwezi, chaka ndi chaka. Sizo zokhudzana ndi zolaula kapena kukula kapena "mphamvu zopambana". Ndizokhudza kukwaniritsa zolinga. Zolinga zanu. Ndidakali paulendo wanga ndipo tsiku lililonse lomwe limadutsa, limandibwezera chidutswa cha ine weniweni. "Ine" ndataya zaka zingapo zapitazi. Tsopano ndikubwerera panjira, ndikumverera bwino kuposa kale, wathanzi kuposa kale ndikukhala wosangalala kuposa kale.
Ndipo komabe, ndili ndi mitu ina ndi zopinga zomwe ndingadutse. Koma ndikuchita ndi kalembedwe. Kukhala wogalamuka kwambiri komanso osafuna zolaula. Tsopano ndimayang'ana kumbuyo kwanga ndipo tsiku lililonse ndimaganizira momwe zinthu zidakhalira. Zochitika zanga nthawi zonse zimandikumbutsa chifukwa chomwe ndimachitira izi. Ndimachita ndekha.
Aliyense ali chidakwa. Inenso ndili ndi moyo.
LINK - Masiku 90 a NoFap kapena "Ndinu ndani!"
;